Why Didn't Robert De Niro Get A GLAAD Nomination For STARDUST?, Proof PRACTICAL MAGIC Is Kidman's Hottest Form & Other Halloween Cinema Musings
Kidman AND Bullock, for that matter.
An Ode to Captain Shakespeare
As a whimsical precursor to All Hallow’s Eve, it felt extremely appropriate, festive even, to partake in an umpteenth viewing of the Michelle Pfeiffer (luxury) vehicle, Stardust. There are so many incredible moments jampacked into the two-hour seven-minute runtime that look camp right in the eye, like the evil king’s seven sons dying off one by one, frozen in their manner of death. Or, Michelle Pfeiffer gaining a liver spot every time she casts a spell. In the end, Claire Danes saves the day (spoiler alert! the good guys win) by shining with the power of ten Alix Earle’s Lume Cube ring lights because she was pounding doses of a certain prince’s love like that shit was Celcius. Basically, Stardust is like Lord of the Rings had a very silly baby with The Grinch (yes, Ron Howard is the baby’s godfather, do you even have to ask?).
But the true wonder of Stardust is a career-defining role that critics frankly must be afraid of, as that’s the only way I can justify the lack of accolades. Robert De Niro (Taxi Driver, Goodfellas, Meet the Faulkers, former husband to a black wife, yes that is relevant) plays a flamboyant gay pirate with the gravitas worthy of a million Oscars.
Captain Shakespeare is his name, and his entire character and backstory were unique to the 2007 film, otherwise based on a 1999 novel of the same name.
Why, praytell, did Matthew Vaughn and Jane Goldman (of Kingsman fame) decide to do something so controversial yet so brave by making the pirate leader who inadvertently rescues Tristan (Charlie Cox) and Yvaine (Clare Danes) from a lightning storm a closeted seafarer? Seemingly so we could see De Niro sissy that walk in a private maritime runway of gorgeous showgirl dresses. Truly, the world may never know, but I’m grateful. It barely serves the story in that it explains why Shakespeare doesn’t kill the stowaways (kind of) and how he made Tristan a stud with a Garrett Joseman’s overnight hairdo (not really).
I ultimately have to believe one half of the writing duo turned to the other and said, “I have a funny idea to prank the studio on the notes call today,” which landed their film with something incredibly random (yet iconic) as a result.
After Captain Shakespeare is caught red-handed doing can-cans in frilly socks by the movie’s Little Big Bad, it’s revealed that his loyal crew knew about his twinkle toes the whole time. One toothless buffoon confidently announces, “That’s alright Captain, we always knew you were a whoopsie.” And here I was thinking “a whoopsie” was what happened when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much but not enough to actively preserve their DINK status.
It’s not a dissertation on sexuality as much as a salute to the fact that life is too short to refrain from shaking ass, no matter who’s looking, and the movie would not be half as good without it.
Why are Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock so hot in Practical Magic?
I know we’re supposed to be worried about these two bitches — excuse me, witches — killing Gilly’s crazy ex-boyfriend, but I’m always a tiny bit distracted by the killer looks they’re serving up in their ivy-lined island town like it’s nothing. Did the wicked old townspeople of Maria’s Island deserve the lacy green minidress Kidman dances around her kitchen in? No, they didn’t. Is this look the reason my hair is currently Poison Ivy red? Yep, pretty much!!!!! Someone tell the undertaker I want to be buried in Sandra Bullock’s baby tee/short shorts/muddy boots combo. The way Sandy B makes a casual lacy top and jeans a moment worthy of Midnight Margaritas…her power.
These are actually the fashions the TikTok girlies are worried their locals won’t understand (I wouldn’t worry about an oversized blazer and cut-off jorts making a comprehensible fit, Katie!). But the outfits only pop as hard as they do because both of these actresses were so damn hot in 1998. Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman are so ridiculously fire in Practical Magic that I want to take a time machine to set and drink their bathwater Saltburn-style, in the hopes their 10/10 perfection is contagious. Given time travel isn’t possible (and that if it was, I should probably start by doing something a little more practical, like stopping MLK’s assassination or whateva), I'll just have to keep on dreaming for now. Unless nine of you lovely readers want to join my coven to put the craft to work for my vanity? Cauldron obviously not included.
My Halloween Traditions
As the child of parents who turned the lights low to ward off trick-or-treaters (yes, you can Venmo me $ for therapy), coming up with festive activities for October has been a bit of a late-blooming journey. Yet, as with all the holidays in my life, I gravitated towards movies. I’m streaming my yearly revisitation of I Know What You Did Last Summer as I bang out this post (remember, all typos are also camp) before a friend arrives to hit the town (grab a glass of wine).
If I had a Halloween wish, it would be that every single (living) cast member returns to the JLH-led IKWYDLS forthcoming reboot. Even the dead ones. Let’s hope the saints (studios) can hear me.