TRAITORS Week 5: Recap/Power Ranking
What's scarier: the milipedes or worm with a mustache?
It only took the world's goofiest group of Faithfuls SEVEN episodes to catch a Traitor (no Bob TDG doesn't count, as she was really only caught because she was exposed by a fellow Traitor). Those seven episodes have been full of laughs (mostly at Tom Sandoval's expense), confusion (mostly of Danielle's doing), and fashions (mostly from Alan because the rest of the cast is slacking). But one thing we haven't seen much of? Common sense.
In an era where some of the most moronic men walking the planet are the most famous and powerful, common sense has been grossly undervalued. Discarded, even. If I see one more TikTok comment where a presumably literate adult asks an OP where they bought something that is explicitly stated in the three minute video, I am going to make the app go dark again myself. Tana Mongeau tweeted a screenshot of herself asking ChatGPT how old she was in third grade (??????) and I, personally, feel like that should be a criminal act. I'm coming to the brim, as it pertains to superfluous stupidity! And I know the original S word is a little controversial, but there are three conditions under which calling someone's action stupid is always okay: when they are acting stupid, they are above age 10, and it is not their birthday.
In 2025, declaring a dumb choice to be exactly that, out loud, is a genuine act of defiance. Like, fine, we might be living in The Bad Place, but at least we don't have to pretend that sentient mustache your friend is dating "made a few points" with his hot take on Severance. The grace period for "no question to be a stupid question" disbanded the moment that girl used Gorilla Glue as hairspray and our refusal to abide by the sovereign power of "fucking duh" is how so many crucial mistakes have slipped through the cracks. Not one person said "Hey Jacques, lylas, but maybe put Final Draft for one second so we can talk" ??? When the French aren't being honest, that's when you KNOW we're in trouble.
The good news is reality TV is still a safe space for questionable decisions and traditional intellectual inferiority. I hope they never stop flipping tables, conceptualizing European geopolitics in bikinis, or questioning if the Underground Railroad was a mode of transportation for our entertainment. But in a game where you're trying to figure out who the killer is, and every player who said "Hey, maybe it's this guy?" gets murdered, I am legally obligated to point out you're displaying a wee bit of wind between the ears behavior when they won't even consider that dude could be the bad guy.
Who caught The Big Bad Wolf? A TRAITORS season 3 episode 7 recap…
This week in truth is more of a summation than a recap because it is Super Bowl Sunday and my brain is in bird mode, but basically picture one of the lower-stakes episodes of Fear Factor, now add Tom Sandoval with a top hat, and you've got the challenge for the week. Then, at the round table, Britney the Silent finally spoke and when she did it was huge: she finally got the group to believe Boston Rob (who said verbatim "Everyone who accuses me dies" several times in the episode) was, in fact, a Traitor. The cliffhanger was teeing up the face-to-face kill Alan's been teasing with each remaining Faithful giving their own eulogy dressed in red. That scene alone deserves more awards than Em*lia P*rez.
Now, onto the TRAITORS Season 3 Week 4 Power Ranking…
The Most Powerful
Tom Sandoval
Listen, I hate it as much as you do!!!! But the fact is the village idiot used common sense to listen to what Wes screamed as he exited the castle: THAT GUY DID IT. No, it doesn't make him a genius, and no, it doesn’t make Dylan like him (the casual “we don’t have anything in common” roast? PLS) but it does make Tom smarter than almost everyone else in that room, apparently. I think for at least a small honeymoon period people will have to take him 1% seriously.
Gabby
Gabby not only was not only a brave legend during the millipede mayhem crawling all over her hands and body, but she listened well and acted accordingly at the round table, again. Unlike her fellow Bambi, Chrishell, she's not making any rash snap judgments known but she's also not blending in too much. Her solidity as a Faithful was confirmed by everyone's shock when Dylan said her name. Unfortunately, everyone I predicted to win thus far gets killed the subsequent week, but I'll say it anyway: Gabby could go all the way.
Britney
Britney has been quieter than the pause in Heated at the Renaissance world tour all season, but she defended herself out of banishment against Boston Rob, a feat none before she had achieved.
The Least Powerful
Ciara
Ciara's taste in men has once again proven to be on the wrong side of history (tbf Boston Rob would be leaps and bounds better than her previous beaus on looks alone, but in terms of the game, I mean). The confidence with which she said "for sure" when Rob shrugged "IDK, guess I'm being framed" like a Tim Robinson character at breakfast took me out. Since Ciara made herself a known suspect's cheerleader for a few episodes, so there is an obvious target on her back now.
Chrishell
Throwing away multiple votes at a round table is not cool, even when it's against Tom. If you don't feel comfortable going with one of the arguments made, and you don't trust yourself to come up with your own, that means you're too ill-equipped to be in the castle, babe. Her blowout still eats, though!
Ivar
I love the little Princess Diana shoutout, but this Lord is such a non-factor he's not even worth murdering, apparently.
Who is left on TRAITORS season 3? The remaining US contestants after episode 7…
Danielle (Traitor)
Carolyn (Traitor)
Britney
Dolores
Dylan
Ciara
Chrishell
Gabby
Sam
Ivar
Tom