TRAITORS Week 1: Recap/Power Ranking
Alan Cumming has been COOKIN.
I’m not sure I’ve ever witnessed a reality show gather a grip on the throat of the zeitgeist as fast as TRAITORS. It feels like overnight the US spinoff hosted by Alan Cumming, and homed by Peacock, is such an essential part of the culture it’s hard to think of a time when it didn’t exist. Should we adjust the historical cataloging of time to BT and AT? Possibly. The first three episodes of season three have been so fire that I’m considering moving to Scotland (as long as Fergus will build me one every night).
Who has been eliminated from Traitors US season 3 so far? A recap…
In episode one, the Housewives did what Housewives do best: commit to outrageous scene-stealing behavior without a moment’s hesitation to consider the consequences. The way that it took Robyn less than one swish of the Loch Ness Monster’s tail to volunteer to stay on the dock? Real Bravo girl shit. Don’t these foolish little faithfuls understand, there is nothing a Housewives loves more than sitting down and talking shit? Apparently, not, as Ivar’s suspicions made the perfect fodder for the Traitors to drum up a perfect killing.
^ me when the last faithfuls entered the room WITHOUT FREAKING DORINDA.
I get the producers can’t intervene in gameplay, but when premium talent (aka a blonde who has coined upwards of five instant catchphrases on network television) gets sent home too early, I can only pray they didn’t ship her back to the US.
Prediction: the fan reaction could def result in a Dorinda return. I can feel it in my tartan-cloaked bones.
In episode two, the big reveal hit. Three new formidable bad boys entered the mix. While I always applaud the question “Why not a woman?” I officially became a pig in shit at the sight of Wes, the ultimate CHALLENGE villain in this house. (Also, lest we forget, Kate was the surprise twist last season.) By the end of the episode, Bob orchestrates Wells’ removal at the roundtable
In episode three, Bob gets a little too big for his feathered britches. Sending Chanel Ayan, the queen of Dubai, home so soon was an error. People have started to suspect that his refusal to shut up is out of guilt, which is really just their way of confirming they’ve never watched a lick of DRAG RACE. But with the Bambis’ support, and Boston Rob’s masterful excellence to deflect the attention away from him, Bob overcame Dylan’s delicious pushback. Tony goes bye-bye and like everyone else in The Castle, I wasn’t sad about it. Over eager son of a gun.
Now, onto the TRAITORS Season 3 Week One Power Ranking….
The Most Powerful:
Boston Rob
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I’m not a SURVIVOR head, so I didn’t get the hype upon sight, but his devious eyes and backward black hat/blazer combo were the first hint this man was not someone to fuck with. At his first round table, Rob’s Alan-mandated silence was so loud. At the second, he somehow managed to point the Traitor finger at Tony without pointing three back at himself. Also, I can’t say the pics of him being ridiculously hot as a youngblood have nothing to do with this ranking.
Dylan Efron
I had high hopes for baby Efron the minute he was cast. Actually, the youngest Efron is like three years old, but Dylan is the youngest on TV right now. He might be cherubic as fuck, but his prowess is understated and underestimated. Dylan has overcome a nepobaby/B-list shadow to become a star overnight simply by being his adorable (ripped) self. I’ll say it: Dylan is everything y’all wanted Peter to be. I bet Ekin Su is thinking “Damn. timing is a bitch” rn.
Bob The Drag Queen
Bob is unfuckwittable-ness embodied and an excellent choice as a Traitor. But he’s going to need to lower his voice (literally and metaphorically) if he expects to win this game. A man who walked into the room in blue feathers certainly can’t play the shy lane, but he’s going to have to lean into more strategy and less chaos if he doesn’t want to be pushed off of his throne of lies.
Honorable Mention: Wes
I giggled and kicked my feet when CT showed up in The Highlands on season two. When my sweet ginger freak, Wes, showed up, I SCREMT. Unfortunately, despite all the downtime I know these fools possess in their day to day, not enough have watched THE CHALLENGE. Thus, they will soon have to learn the hard way the havoc Sir Westofer can incite.
The Least Powerful:
Ciara
Ciara’s previously displayed talents as showcased on SUMMER HOUSE are lying in bed all day, being thin, and flipping her silk press. None of these traits are especially helpful in winning a physical and intellectual challenge. She has also been played by unremarkable men who were far less formidable than the minds in The Castle multiple times. Relatedly, the fact she has gotten about three seconds of airtime implies she’s very much not a threat to the group.
Britney Haynes
Outside of her brief BIG BROTHER drama shoutout, Britney has been even less of a non-factor. She admitted she was afraid to speak and then did an abysmal job in the clown challenge.
Sam Asgari
I appreciate that Sam hasn’t milked his relationship with Britney any further, but it seems like he may have overcorrected. I’m not sure he’s made a single audible statement outside of his exponentially louder jerry-curdled hair.
Honorable Mention: Tom Sandoval
It is deeply hilarious that Sandoval’s crime against humanity (cheating on his life partner and then being such a prick about it) has landed the man with a Scarlet A that transcends genres. I don’t think anyone will suspect him of being a Traitor but he’s just so goofy they’ll eventually vote him out for aura’s sake.
amazing read!! 👏🏾