Tom Cruise Has Apppointed Michael B. Jordan Next
and other intrusive pop culture thoughts (vol. 5).
Coming down from the Oscars high ain’t easy, just ask Club Chalamet. Though the Academy didn’t deliver a SINNERS sweep, the best film of the year’s meaningful wins felt like when the Eagles beat the Chiefs in the Super Bowl, when Biden squeaked through in 2020, when MOONLIGHT gagged the Oscars stage unforgettably in 2017. When the world is a mess, these accolades can seem trivial, but I’d like to argue that the little bit of free goodwill we get through the arts goes further. Hoorah for SINNERS making the whole internet smile, and that naturally includes incredible footage of Tom Cruise and Michael B. Jordan.
Pop Culture News Of The Week
Tom Cruise gives fighter jet hugs
Say what you want about Tom Cruise (and there’s a lot to say!) but his film persona is thee modern movie star. This video of him embracing Michael B. Jordan, like one of the few 1940s housewives in a happy marriage about to send her husband off to the world war, has been making the rounds. It’s clear Tom (like every other breathing being) loves Michael, and his vice grip perhaps shares his answer to Variety’s question about who will lead the next generation of leading men. Now, the trades are saying Tom is considering cruising into the villain role in the latest MIAMI VICE remake with MBJ and AB (Austin Butler). My dream date, cute!
Is Marlo Hampton dating Tyler Perry?
An AI photo of RHOA’s Marlo Hampton kissing Tyler Perry is going around but the craziest part is there are real photos of Marlo and Tyler looking cozy at the event (just not kissing). This is confusing for many rumored reasons, including trying to deduce where these two would’ve crossed paths in the A. Did she visit one of the ex-wives on a Tyler Perry Productions set? Did he stop by La’Archive for a suit for an Oscars watch party? Is he considering casting her on the season of SISTAS? Sounds like high time for a Marlo return to WWHL, to me.
Club Chalamet dumped Timmy for Connor Storrie
In the weeks leading up to MARTY SUPREME’S Oscars ice out, it’s been apparent Club Chalamet has straying eyes from her namesake, Timothée. On March 6, Simone Cromer was standing by her man, tweeting in defiance of the “smear campaign” against Timothée. But then, on Oscars day itself, CC replied three big words (”I feel seen”) over a tweet about seeing someone’s true colors, implying Timothée’s aren’t good. It doesn’t look like she’s mentioned Timmy’s name on her feed since, and instead has praised MBJ’s win to the high heavens and thirsted relentlessly over Connor, starting a private page dedicated to the HEATED RIVALRY star. Are Club Chalamet and Chalamet of Club dunzo? I think Timothée would miss her next press season, TBH.
A strange man proposed to Keke Palmer
Is this the ultimate climax of the male lonliness epidemic and parasocial stan activity coming? Possibly! Men will do the most unsettling, illogical, attention seeking thing on planet earth and then be like, “wasn’t that flattering!” Besides, if someone is going to surprise propose to me they better surprise have a ring a lot bigger than that.
Jennifer Lopez took KISS OF THE SPIDERWOMAN Soooo Seriously
Don’t you love when you watch a movie and you can just tell everyone involved thought this was going to really go there? Jennifer Lopez doesn’t miss a pointed toe or serious shimmy (though the same can’t be said of her key range) while theatre-kidding her ass off in KISS OF THE SPIDERWOMAN. It’s the type of performance that lets me know she watched Madonna’s EVITA and Renee’s CHICAGO on a loop leading up to filming, but was never cast as the lead in the Bronx high school musicals. Beautiful gowns, beautiful dresses, though.
Labrinth is beefing with Sam Levinson and Columbia Records
Factually, Labrinth called out EUPHORIA, not Sam, but I’m sure if you ask the auteur, same thing. Labrinth followed up his loud exit with more condemnation of the music industry’s turning artists into thieves of the night, which could allegedly imply he felt replaced by another musician for the upcoming season. I find it hard to believe anyone can make Levinson’s hormonal trauma dump have meaning like Labrinth’s beats.
Steve Carell’s new show ROOSTER has bangers
Even though ROOSTER is more earnest than knee-slapping, the show has serious bangers, and surprisingly, they’re mostly not delivered by Steve Carell. Steve breezily plays a warm-hearted, ill-spoken straight man to most of the outrageous jokes dropped by academia caricatures. I’m going to keep watching just to add gems like, “It may not be factually true, but the spirit of it is,” uttered by John C. McGinley to my mental library.
Bite-Sized Bravo Recap Corner
LADIES OF LONDON: Who the hell is Lady Martha Sitwell?
When I learned Bravo was launching THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF LONDON and reviving LADIES OF LONDON simultaneously, the move seemed gratuitous (especially in an era where the network is so apparently pinched for pennies they’re pausing real fans’ favorites). But delightfully, the entire cast of NEW REIGN brings reality TV gold. Even Dara Huang, who is definitely not a madame, and who quit the show episode one by quietly declaring, “Cut. Cut.”
Yet none of the cast compares to the tornado of high society chaos that is Martha Sitwell. Bravo Insider summarizes her life as so: “Martha Sitwell rose from homelessness to high fashion before facing financial ruin after a painful divorce from a baronet” and after the first four episodes of NEW REIGN, I’m stunned to say that is the tip of the iceberg.
So far, we’ve learned Martha was born into wealth of a food entrepreneur and Michelin chef, kicked out into homelessness, rediscovered by Vivienne Westwood to become a fashion icon, married twice and left destitute the second time, and is now living in a dilapidated brownstone with her pet bird Hecate where she can’t fit anything, including her deceased sister’s hat collection. This woman is an ICON.
So far on LOL, she’s accidentally given her keys to a stranger and wired money to a painter she met in the park to try to fix her apartment. Thankfully, her best friend Margo (who no longer drinks because of how hard they used to party together) talks some very tough love into Martha to get her shit together, Carol. I can’t wait to see where this season goes for Martha, but it better end in a brand sponsorship from Sherwin-Williams, at a minimum.
SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY: Emmy’s White Tears Dry On Their Own
Why does every scene of Will’s fiancée this season have me asking, “Emmy, are you okay?” Emmy always looks on the edge of combustion when she’s confronted with things her castmates say she’s done, or worse, Will has done. Every time I see her hyperventilating with Lauren Conrad tears falling, I find it baffling that her fiancé let her face this alone.
On episode 4 of the superb SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY, Emmy gets called out on weaponizing a microaggression against her former bestie, Bradley. Brad is one of two black males in the Charleston crew, and the only straight one. So, unsurprisingly (I guess to everyone except Emmy), he was pretty upset when she told “someone they both work with” she felt “unsafe” after Brad sent her a bitchy text, as shown on Bravo. According to Brad, the verbiage was just mimicking what half the cast heard Emmy herself yell through the wall (that Brad was dead to her). Emmy denies it vehemently and adds several “no’s” to hit the point home when she’s accused of committing a microaggression by Michols (the other black male on the cast), even if it was unintentional.
Emmy is a Bravolebrity we have seen before: petrified that taking any kind of accountability when it comes to race will automatically land a scarlet K on their chest online. Expressing that she perhaps overreacted when insinuating Brad was capable of doing something “scary and unsafe to her, especially given her crown as the crash out queen of Republic, would’ve gone a long way. Instead, her tearful dancing around the issue has emboldened hate, praising her rejection of “identity politics” in her comment section. I wonder if she’ll delete those too, but either way, she’ll have to face the music at the reunion (which, for the first time, is supposed to be studio! Good work, kiddos).