SUMMER HOUSE S8 Reunion: Winners & Losers
Far Too Many Ls were taken....
I’ve said it before, and I wasn’t joking: this season of Summer House sent my cortisol levels through the roof. Watching these silly little gooses pop off at the reunion without the ability to run on stage with a Kenya Moore megaphone and scepter so I can pull a Porsha on everyone speaking out of turn blew up my coronary artery bigger than one of Ballon Guy’s balloons. Bravo should be fun, and if I’m being honest much of season 8 was. But when this particular group of overgrown party children steps into the reunion arena, something possesses them to channel the distant relatives of Stassi’s dark passenger and it almost always gets directed at one Lindsay Dale Hubbard. Am I a Lindsay apologist? YES. Is Hubbhouse tough enough to take it? HELL YES. But as an enneagram 1, Cancer sun, Scorpio rising, watching people be loud and wrong gives me a Luis Ruelas red rash all over my (otherwise perfect) body.
Everyone pretended to have love for both sides of the breakup from hell this summer, but it seems that was all just a ploy to not get chewed out in the media again for bullying (yeah I’m drinkin’ using the B word LuAnn) another woman solely because she’s kinda sorta a stone cold bitch. Meanwhile, Amanda and Kyle’s relationship has been on hospice for some time now (I’m sure Jax will be trying to bang a side piece next to it any day) but did Andrew F. Baby hold Kyle’s crusty toes the the fire? No. No, he did not. Instead of taking the first private plane directly to The Clubhouse, I decided to snark rage on the winners and losers of the Summer House reunion below. Truth be told, the real winner is all of us, for getting through this electric shock therapy reunion in one piece! Hey, it could’ve been worse. Hannah Berner could’ve been there. Onto the show!
SUMMER HOUSE REUNION S8 WINNERS
Jesse Solomon - for not getting smacked by Ciara when he tried to take up for his best friend West. Also for beating cancer twice. Pretty cool stuff.
Gabby - for being hot and not breaking a sweat. Which to be fair, is easy to do when she gets asked a criminally low number of questions! I get a lot didn’t happen for Gabby this season, but maybe if all her so-called friends didn’t suck all the air out of the room, her dating storyline could breathe. Justice 4 Gabby.
Lindsay - Credit must be given where credit is due (unless you’re a bed bug who doesn’t clock in for work for 16 episodes and then chirps for the entire 2-hour filming of a television reunion). Whether Lindsay is your glass of rose or not, any singular cast member willing to field that much heat for that long coming from all angles, who doesn’t cry, storm off, or cuss everybody out, should be applauded as a winner. When she asked if Carl wanted a pat on the back for paying rent he legally was obligated to supply, I simply had no notes. I do wish she had a better explanation for Paige’s bizarre photoshoot sabotage story (I’m sorry, you were crying on your birthday because your photoshoot that clearly went well was almost sabotaged by the venue owner who allowed you to shoot there?). But for the most part, she managed to stand her ground and clarify her POV when everyone, Andy included, shouted and/or laughed down her opinions. I have waxed poetic enough about Lindsay’s (mostly) impressive (but not faultless) handling of her breakup on this very blog, should you want to read more about how the only people who can’t understand Lindsay’s side are willy igs.
Carl - All things considered, he handled himself pretty well. Do I still think he betrayed his partner’s trust and frankly embarrassed TF out of her by telling anyone but her it wasn’t going to work? 1000000%. But he’s allowed to defend himself, and he didn’t do it with an unreasonable amount of malice either. It is better they’re broken up, and he did have every right to hold Lindsay to task for talking reckless about his sobriety, though maintaining it is now his mission alone in life to pilot through any storm. I honestly wish the best for Carl, which is probably not being in a relationship (or on TV) for a bit. Not because he has baggage (which it’s okay to admit addiction comes with) but because he’s clearly figuring out who Carl is still, and he doesn’t seem to need an audience for that.
SUMMER HOUSE REUNION S8 LOSERS
West Wilson - Oh lord, where to start? You’re telling me you liked someone sooooo much for like six months but ultimately broke up with them because promoting the 8th best show on Bravo would be too harrowing of a gig? As if he’s a 1930s soldier sailing off to Germany with a lady to make it back to. I don’t know if West knows this…but Ciara is really hot. I’m pretty sure more than half of the male population would happily sign up to stand in her shadow if they got to bill cuddle hours with her too. His whole bizarre explanation and sweaty blank stares lead me to believe his EQ is either under the earth’s core, or he honestly never liked her that much in the first place. Which is even more confusing, because how in the world did he think he was going to manage his image well enough to get away with wooing the always a bridesmaid never a bride and then breaking up with her before the next season? Too few thoughts were had, bud.
Ciara - Girl……..is he THAT funny? The goofiest thing about West is how he slept with Ciara despite all her reservations, took him to meet his family across multiple state lines, and spent the entire summer telling her he liked her before deciding that now it was too messy to stay. But the sad truth we have to acknowledge is…she let him. After everything Austin did to make her look dumb, she went back on the standards she preached from the NYC happy hour rooftops. As a victim of male bitchassery, I’m not victim blaming. But it’s true. The real reason she’s in the loser section is for saying out loud he could get her back if he changed after being vulnerable about all of that mess. Even West was gagged after being indicted in front of a jury of his peers for emotional terrorism that Ciara could possibly still have feelings for him and would essentially never say never to round 2. Ciara, I beg of you, stand up. And just say no to any mid white dude with a questionable haircut who walks through those doors next summer.
Paige - Calling yourself hilarious is cringe, even if you are, and Paige’s interviews get a chuckle out of viewers at best. Let’s just keep it a hundo: Paige hates Lindsay. Stop pretending to build a friendship for viewer approval with someone you OBVIOUSLY want to see methaphotically six feet under. Her big photoshoot gotcha was blatantly teed up so that she could then go in on Hubbs for the rest of the night without looking like a flip-flopper, which she did anyway (like did eight months without cameras not go by when she could’ve brought this allegedly birthday ruining issue up?). By all means, give Carl support. But to throw the very things she claimed to empathize with Lindsay on over the summer back in Lindsay’s face (like trying to shut down Lindsay’s job concerns by presuming to know their influencer income disparity, esp when Carl was the one who said it wasn’t a job?!?!?!??!) — criminal. Straight to jail. Do not pass go.
Danielle - She honestly was fine (except for her delusional stance that somehow Lindsay wasn’t being a friend by no longer allowing her to continue to lie….?) but she’s in this bunch because the styling of her fit was so insanely wack. Can someone from Team Donne help a sister out?
Kyle - Most of my complaints about Kyle start with the fact that he is 42 years old. What’s wrong with staying out until 4AM? He’s 42 years old. What’s wrong with pretending to lose your swim trunks at the beach so you can run around naked? He’s 42 years old. What’s wrong with him taking DJ lessons once a week in New Jersey the state he refuses to move to even though his legally bound wife is begging him to settle down? HE’S FORTY TWO YEARS (!!!!!) OLD. His lack of maturity doesn’t just plague Amanda’s life though, it became Lindsay’s problem when Kyle decided the way to finally give Carl a voice was to yell over him for the entire reunion. The misogyny flying off of him while definitively shutting down Lindsay’s experience as delusional, hysterical, drunk, factually wrong, and the sole cause of all of her problems made my tummy hurt. It was also p ironic considering he did an abysmal of showing what a grounded, level-headed, sober, thoughtful, solutions-oriented partner looked like this season, or frankly any.
Amanda - Let me hit you, dear readers, with the hard truth: Amanda is not a girls’ girl. I know it’s hard to clock in Kyle’s shadow because she truly often moves in silence, but it is so apparent when you watch with both eyes open that when she’s given the platform to twist a knife or stir the pot she often does, and under the guise of wanting to get to the bottom of things involving people she clearly doesn’t care for in the first place. If you think Danielle is a wacko, and Lindsay is a horrible friend, walk me through the math of why you’re mediating their problem? I’m not saying Amanda is the Regina George. She’s more like the student council president that everyone thought they could trust but when you look in her agenda book she has everyone’s deepest darkest secrets written down for blackmail. And like Cinderella’s carriage turning into a pumpkin, once Amanda’s friends turn up, that’s her cue to take the gloves all the way off. The way she made every word Carl uttered an opportunity to pit Lindsay as the big bad of his universe was almost an art form. Andy said Carl wanted to take ownership (the most neutral good statement in the world) and Amanda (who truthfully had no reason to be speaking) said “yeah but he takes too much of it!” Sorry, you’re team let’s have men be less accountable? Cool, cool, cool. I could go on and on about all the annoying jabs she made about a situation that doesn’t involve her but it’s obvious miss mamas has enough on her plate when comes to sticky relationships atm so I’ll lovingly leave it there. Pls go design some swimwear or summ next summer, abeg.