Lydia Tar's Drag Race

This Week's Nervous Breakdown on Reality TV

As the Oscars quickly approach, I, being the delinquent little film scholar that I am, have been on my annual best picture nominated beat the buzzer binge. I’ve actually come to prefer shoving ten plus (and emphasis on the plus since every movie is apparently 2.5 hours by law now) of prestigious content down my gullet instead of enjoying their theatrical releases like a responsible viewer. It’s like going to a Michelin-star restaurant to do a tasting menu. You have to finish every bite of this precious, pretentious food because you’re paying rent to consume it. A fancy meal quickly becomes a smackdown between your palette, your mind, and your lower intestine which you mostly enjoy but also leaves your stomach a little upset. (I don’t know if hot girls have IBS, but all girls over 30 have habitual digestive issues after an indulgent night out.)

Though I am woefully behind on my Oscars screening, I did have the chance to watch Cate Blanchett cut a bitch in TAR. Lydia Tar is a rare example of the most anti-hero to ever be anti-heroic actually working as a watchable protagonist. Cough cough Smodd Smillips. You know you’re not supposed to root for her, you don’t root for her, but it’s still equally filling to watch her give herself a black eye and give someone else a black eye in the same act. 

If the whole remorselessly preying on impressionable young talent wasn’t a thing, she’d honestly be worthy of a sequel. I’d watch this bitch do anything, and if she wasn’t genuinely a horrible person to her core, I’d clap. Some of our best divas are absolute assholes, right? Art, for better or for worse, is often generated by the traumatic guidance of evil bitches everywhere. Which led me to the very obvious next logical thought…how would Lydia Tar behave as a guest judge on RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE?

Judging pictures of The Crystal Ball looks organically caused me to say out loud, “I feel like Tar would hate that”. And thus, the genesis for this ridiculous spiral I’m sharing with you now was born. Who would Lydia Tar toot, boot, or dare I say shoot from the remaining queens on season fifteen of Drag Race? If you didn’t watch tonight’s (3/3) episode - don’t read yet!

Anetra

Tar would love Anetra because Tar is an absolute narcissist and Anetra lowkey gives Tar aesthetically, if you think about it. Tar also loves an understated beauty/humble hidden talent vibe, and as Spice so deftly pointed out before her exit after the LalaPaRuza, Anetra plays it cool about how incredible she is, so not everyone sees her magic. But Tar would see it. She would giggle at the duck walk and she would absolutely lose her shit at Anetra breaking wooden boards in half in heels. She would live for Anetra doing Tar (pre-Me Too) in the snatch game and probably snatch that crystal spine dress directly off of Anetra’s back. An absolute shoot.

Loosey LaDuca

Tar would die before letting Loosey ride in the back of a black car with her. Why? Because Loosey is, bless her heart, suffering from a severe case of Drag Delusion and Tar can’t stomach secondhand embarrassment. Tar would tell Loosey that musical keys are not subjective and that her live vocals were more offensive than anything she said in that *highly doctored* Juilliard class recording. Boot.

Luxx Noir London 

This one is a little hard. LT would be down for the undeniable glamorous fantasy of Luxx, but she would hate all the whining that comes along with it. Like when Luxx was convinced she actually did win the ball and the judges were wrong Tar would’ve been like Luxxe if you actually had thought the crown was yours you would’ve walked out and grabbed it. But you hid your dissent until you were among the other losers. The easy way out. Doesn’t sound like a winner to me, does it? Or something like that! So she wouldn’t toot or boot here, but rather an ambiguous guttural growl that we’re not sure is good or bad.

Marcia Marcia Marcia

Tar would think Marcia was a genius, but a stupid genius because it took her multiple weeks to (kind of) answer a note re: a proper beat on that face. She wouldn’t have patience for someone who dares defy feedback multiple weeks in a row. Eventually, after replaying Marcia’s Tim Gunn for the 100th time she’d consider changing her mind, but the nosebleed look would send her over the edge. Tar hates The Brady Bunch because the banal celebration of the 70s nuclear American Family makes her sick. Plus it reminds her of the time she chased a romantic interest into a dark warehouse and fell down the stairs. Ouchy! Boot.

Mistress Isabelle Brooks

Tar would want to hate Mistress on the sheer basis of those little kitten heels alone (what if Tchaikovsky had kitten-heeled Swan Lake instead of going full tilt) but watching just one episode with MIB’s masterful puppeteering of the weaker queens would cause Tar to instantly stan. Plus Tar loves Rosie O’Donnell. They did shots together once in Naples. Toot! 

Salina EsTitties

How do I put this nicely? Tar would pay Francesca to lure Salina into a dark alley with the sound of jingling hoop earrings so she could personally eviscerate her for putting Cheetos in her see-through thong crotch. I mean what the fuck was that!?!?!? Okay back to Tar though…when Salina cried last week about not being good enough Tar would laugh at her, not because it’s true, but because she’d point out that Jiggly Caliente lasted eight whole episodes wearing basically duct tape and she never doubted herself. Boot, baby.

Sasha Colby

Well, if the judges, the other queens, or frankly almost any person alive who is aware of drag had any influence this would be an obvious shoot. But Tar doesn’t really love immense talent she can’t control and Sasha’s existing stardom would be a major turn-off for Miss Girl. Plus I know Tar would have a major crush on Keri Kolby and therefore would want to drive a wedge between the drag fam at any cost. She’d play nice in front of the other judges but then threaten Sasha like an eight-year-old with an attitude problem on the playground. Going with a very calculated boot here, because Lydia Tar is not a woman of the people.