LOVE ISLAND USA RECAP: SEASON 5 - WEEK 5
And the Oscar goes to....
After five weeks of blood, sweat, and betrayals, two lucky twenty somethings from the middle of America will be crowned the winners of Love Island: USA’s fifth season. After watching the supertease of this crew’s greatest hits at the top of the finale episode, it’s hard not to feel proud of the USA for finally entering the Love Island chat. Sure, it’s still not up to par with its iconic predecessor across the pond: the boys weren’t blokes, the family visits were virtual, and the misogynistic disrespect was served in hefty American portion sizes. But we had shocking drama, touching tears, and a few couples that will definitely make it past the after season press. Sarah Hyland has even become an integral part of the narrative as a host. What more can we really ask for?
It may be four seasons behind schedule, but Love Island: USA has at long last mixed up their own special recipe to deliver spicy love on a platter, the American way. This cast has turned up the heat, time and time again, and their temperature in these last few episodes is no exception.
*Must watch episodes this week: finish strong with all five
Episode 32
Week 5 begins with a jaw dropping start, jumping right back into the strip tease challenge. During Kassy’s at bat around the firepit, she makes sure to spotlight every inch of what Leo (may have) missed out on. Destiny could have easily raised heart rates the highest out of pure fear with the relentless way she dominated the men with her whip — that is, until Imani gives the USPS the best PR they’ve had in years, delivering ass ahead of schedule in her mail-woman fit. Johnnie keeps the fire going, but after the girls finish their round, they pivot to comforting Carmen that it isn’t her fault Kenzo was being a wet blanket about lighthearted naughtiness.
Hannah is not exaggerating when she suggests Leo must practice his stripping routine on a weekly basis; as much as they wanted to ignore his prowess, it’s evident Leo knows how to put the fuck in fuck boy. Matia raises eyebrows, too, but more out of concern if he remembers where he is. Kenzo belabors his point by dancing solely on Carmen in direct defiance of the challenge norms. He says it’s because that’s just “how he was raised” but does Kenzo seriously think any of the other guys (except maybe Leo) practiced gleefully stripping in costume as children in the event they’d grow up to be on reality TV one day? I’d rather watch Bergie do sexual stand-up comedy in a speedo, any day. After the non-event that was Zay playing around with test tubes, Scott finishes strong by flipping, dipping and reversing Kassy, Johnnie, and Imani.
After the game, Kenzo triples down that he wouldn’t want anyone else’s attention but Carmen’s. Carmen points out the obvious fact that she wouldn’t behave this way in the real world, but if he doesn’t want to participate in the Love Island culture then why are they still here? She reaches her breaking point when Kenzo insists if she had just been more respectful about her moves, like Hannah was, he wouldn’t be mad — failing to point out there’s a middle ground between Hannah’s tame performance and Imani’s twerkquake, which Carmen was well within. While this seems like a fight that would be non-existent off camera, Carmen’s right to be wary of a man who expresses this level of insecurity in such a harmless setting.
Kassy and Johnnie fantasize about what their potential relationship would look like together. Johnnie is perfectly fine to let Kassy wear the proverbial pants, but she doesn’t want to miss out on Scott if Kassy isn’t deeply comfortable with dating a woman in the long run. Kassy is going to continue getting to know Johnnie but also shares that, if she’s being honest with herself, Leo isn’t totally out of the picture, and she’s also interested in Scott too. They both agree they may have something and, as long as they keep each other in the loop, they’ll be able to figure that out without burning bridges. Two women having the most mature “dating around” conversation on the season to date? Who would guess, other than literally everyone.
In the bedroom, Carmen, now de-winged, chows down on a grilled cheese as Kenzo apologizes for not communicating better. She decides to forgive him, but warns him to trust her. I’ll chalk up her about-face to the power of carbs.
Kassy and Leo debrief next, ogling each other like two drunk college kids during Hallo-weekend. She lets him know she’s trying to figure a way to get over what he did, because even though she was hurt, the good feelings haven’t gone away either. As they giggle the sexual tension out, Leo leans in for a kiss, which Kassy declines. He actually begs for a beso and she won’t comply. If she’s going to take Leo the Liar back (and don’t get me wrong, I really wish she wouldn’t) I can at least appreciate her making him work for it all the way up to the next recoupling. They do eventually share a small kiss in the kitchen before bed, which is chump change compared to Taylor and Bergie’s friction once the lights go down.
It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, and Carmen still wants Leo six feet under. But she does her best to feign support as Kassy relays last night’s kiss. Kassy agrees with Carmen’s advice to keep making Leo work for his second chance, and reminds her mommy bestie that she is still open to Johnnie, who is busy politely humoring attention from Matia on the cabana even though you can see her reliving his sinfully uncomfortable devil dance the whole time. Johnnie tells Matia she loves that he’s no drama, but when listing her current suitors to the diary cam, she’s quick to bring up Scott. Scott, who swoops in to kick Matia off the cabana to flirt with Johnnie. She makes the adept observation that Scott, a man from the UK, hides his feelings in jokes. Scott seems intrigued by Johnnie and expresses this interest by asking about her family and offering to tour her around Dublin. Remember when he told Abbi he wasn’t flirty or affectionate? LOL.
Leo follows Kassy up to the dressing room where Kassy continues to make me proud, and not just because she successfully executed a play on words without stuttering. Leo lays on the heavy-handed smolder but Kassy holds him off. She’s not done entertaining other people until he makes her feel confident they could have a healthy relationship.
Zay risks another flogging (verbal, this time) from Destiny by pulling Imani for a chat. Despite his paltry performance last night as a sexy scientist (he should leave that to Destiny), Imani feels an attraction there. Zay’s conversation with Imani is certainly more lively than his last one with Destiny, though the bar is low considering Destiny all but plugged her ears and wagged her tongue the last time he tried to speak to her. If Zay’s brave enough to swim with sharks as he sells Imani on a future date, then hopefully he can handle Destiny’s forthcoming wrath (IMO, more dangerous).
Imani’s musing on the depths of the ocean are silenced by a text. There’s a female led recoupling and it’s the last one of the season. That means this choice will eliminate the loveless Islanders and permanently trap partners in tandem with this final choice. Kassy is still torn between Johnnie and Leo, Johnnie is torn between Kassy and Scott and Kyle is bagging his 3 oz travel toiletries in the corner. Before her big choice, Kassy makes her rounds; she thanks Johnnie for helping her confirm that she’s bisexual and teases Leo with the rhetorical question of if he’ll be sad if she doesn’t pick him. Johnnie does the same, cruising through a check in with Matia and getting excited by Scott proclaiming he’s hers, if she wants him.
At the recoupling, Taylor picks Bergie and, for the first time, I can accept they have something that may last outside of Sarah Hyland’s purview (Who has definitely banked some vacation days after the previous episodes’ workplace harassment by Mike and Keenan). Carmen picks Mr. Respectability. As Hannah recites her recoupling speech to Marco I can’t help but notice they’re one of those couples that slowly morphs into one being from the curls to the teeth. True love. Destiny’s options are Zay and, apparently, Kyle, Iain informs us without any camera footage to back it up. Her dramatic speech finds its climax on Kyle, confirming they have, apparently, spoken before. I guess Kyle’s travel sized toiletries are safe for now. Imani seems as taken aback by their pairing as I am, and even more confusingly doesn’t pick Scott who had her ankles trembling a mere 24 hours ago, instead going for Zay. Kassy is teed up next to pick, fully dropping the ball in her court to pick the lady (Johnnie) or the tramp (Leo). Swish, swish, who will Kassy pick?
Episode 33
Kassy breaks Johnnie’s heart (and America’s) by choosing Leo, who squeals at his long awaited rescue from the dog house. Now, if Johnnie doesn’t pick Scott, he’s flown all the way from the UK for nothing. Luckily she does ditch Matia for Scott, which everyone seems quite happy about (especially Kady McDemott who just got more content for her next podcast appearance). With a few mumbles about parents and a dog we definitely care about, Matia is out the door.
After what’s-his-name-again drags his branded luggage across the pebbles, Kassy and Johnnie have a respectful final chat. She was excited by what could happen with Johnnie but ultimately too magnetized by her soul connection with Leo to let him go. Never before seen couple Destiny and Kyle have a more upbeat conversation at the same time, and apparently, they got each other’s back. He tells Destiny to never hesitate to come to him if a problem arises….hahah sweet Kyle. Have you met Destiny? You’re telling a sparrow to sing, buddy.
Kassy leaves a bad bitch to go cuddle with her untrained puppy up in Soul Ties; she reminds Leo that this is his final shot to prove their love is real. Leo’s so excited he “can’t even bullshit” which will be a welcome change from his last four weeks of bullshitting, if true.
The gang wakes up refreshed from a night of sound sleep. Who needs a brown noise machine when you have Marco’s sound barrier breaking farts? Leo proves his devotion to Kassy by figuring out the latte machine which prompts Marco to share his Starbucks order (a large serving of cake in a cup, essentially). As the girls get ready for the day, Leo continues his exhibitionist love journey by invading the dressing room to bring Kassy pancakes despite all the girls rejecting his testosterone infecting their sacred time.
Imani randomly dumped Kyle a few days ago, and now it looks like Zay intends to do the same to her by the sounds of his powwow with Bergie. There should be no friendship couples this late in the game so can we boot him today and redirect his production budget to getting Kenzo some shirts with sleeves?
A surprise text informs the men they’ll be cooking dinner but considering almost none of them are confident cooks, let’s actually go back to referring to them as boys since adulthood requires being able to competently feed yourself. I don’t know much about the people of Fiji, but I do know they’re kind based on the local grocer who did her best to not outright laugh in their faces as they fumbled over tomatoes and parsley.
Carmen and Johnnie opt out of girls’ yoga to unpack the ridiculous love shape between Kassy, Johnnie, Leo, Matia and Scott which they tepidly settle on as a pentagon — let’s hear it for the American public school system. Johnnie may not know basic geometry, but she sure does have a good sense of humor as well as a healthy dose of excitement about her chemistry with Scott. Imani is also eager to get closer to Zay, since their conversation yesterday sparked unexpected feelings. She’s going to be so disappointed when she finds out Zay has no intentions of giving her a chance, now that he’s secured another week of free vacation on her back.
As dinnertime approaches, Zay mistakes himself for Gordon Ramsey and Bergie for Jean-Philippe, barking orders in the kitchen to execute the daunting entree of spaghetti and meatballs. Seventy million hours later, dinner is served. Six male adults with fully formed frontal lobes are able to boil pasta and melt cheese on bread, so the girls are amazed. They’re in such a good mood that they go around the table to say what they are grateful for. Bergie is grateful for sticking it out from his first night when he thought he was going home, to now being in a happy situationship with Taylor who is equally as googly-eyed over Bergie and his cake decorating skills when he presents a chocolate heart shaped cake to the group.
Just when Johnnie gets to the good part of a sermon, preaching about tasteless quid pro pro dating etiquette that so many men need to hear, the congregation’s attention is directed to a text. The Islanders will vote tonight for the least compatible couple, and the loser goes home.
During private deliberation, the couples individually circle Zay and Imani (because his intentions to friendzone her spread around the house), Kyle and Destiny (because where did that even come from), and Scott and Johnnie (because it’s too soon to say if they’re more than just sexual tension). Unsurprisingly, around the firepit those three couples quickly rack up the votes with Zay and Imani in the lead. After Taylor and Bergie both lose their grip on their native tongue of American English during their critique of Scott and Johnnie, Hannah does a more articulate job of sharing that she and Marco don’t believe Destiny and Kyle’s feelings for each other could have materialized out of the clear Fiji sky if they were genuine. Just when it looks over for Destiny, Leo and Kassy subtly call Zay out for leading Imani on with their vote. Johnnie and Scott have the final word, and that word is the grammatically incorrect “genuine-ninty”. In that Zay doesn’t have it regarding Imani, so he should go home, and she’s gotta go with him.
Even though he let his castmates waste time, energy, and potential bad blood picking at each other knowing he, himself felt incompatible enough with Imani, Zay is upset Johnnie and Scott let the cat out of the bag before Imani was able to find out “respectfully” (which likely meant seeing it for the first time on TV instead of him stepping up). Imani slides out of the crook of Zay’s arm, and, sadly, out of season five of Love Island: USA. She came, she saw, she shook ass. Zay, take your accountability and your backwards polarized sunglasses, and go.
Episode 34
The Islanders are pretending not to be insecure about the group’s perception of their relationships after the compatibility vote. Destiny and Kyle pout about being called disingenuous, but chalk it up to just a few bad apples with a sour opinion. Johnnie and Scott laugh off the haters, aka Taylor (and Bergie), because, to quote Mariah Carey, they don’t even know her. Carmen talks herself out of feeling guilty for voting for Imani — she wants the best for her girl, and Zay was far from it.
The next morning in the dressing room Taylor tries to explain herself to Johnnie with more verbiage but equal, if not less, articulation on her thought process. Johnnie counters Taylor’s every point about her connection with Scott falling together out of convenience, eventually getting Taylor to concede they have not, in fact, ever talked about Johnnie’s feelings together. Maybe the applause for being the girl Bergie broke finally got to Taylor’s head.
In the kitchen, Hannah and Marco plan out their perfect dates for the real world, which apparently include dressing up Hannah’s dog in a tuxedo. Destiny and Kyle make even bigger plans to vacation in Bali together when this is all over. Kassy and Leo plot on future quality time, but in the slightly less alluring locale of Texas. When Kassy asks Leo if he’s worried about her Mom’s reaction to the shit show that was their Love Island journey, Leo seems to not have put much thought into it. Which would be pretty offensive if Leo wasn’t allergic to thinking in general.
If you thought we’d heard the last of Bergie and Taylor’s exhausting compatibility dissertation, you thought wrong. This time the pair clarifies that their doubts were surrounding Johnnie, who was juggling multiple suitors but taking her time locking someone down. Kind of the point of Love Island, no?
The producers swing back around to the other half of the house to make them talk about their life back home too, in case we needed further stakes for the surprise family Zooms coming up later. Carmen promises Kenzo she’ll suck up her attitude about early mornings and the outdoors and Kenzo pledges to do the laundry if Carmen handles the dishes. Bergie and Taylor are both convinced their respective families will be thrilled upon meeting.
Leo does think of something — the child’s game the floor is lava — which the house plays across the entire lawn. Once the group gets a text they’ll be facetiming their families soon, Leo does further consider the consequences of his major messiness, like his own parents’ poor opinions of his behaviour.
Apparently, these home truth messages are pre-recorded instead of live, which really dampens the drama of it all. The biggest takeaways (other than the deep-seated American puritanical pretenses showing up in full force across all socio-economic demographics) are as follows:
Carmen definitely loves her dad as much as she frequently says, since Kenzo is his twin
We got to meet Scott’s brother this time as opposed to family day in the UK, and he gets mistaken for a daddy—excuse me, HIS DAD
Johnnie’s mom threw shade at Leo glady, on her part, never becoming her son in law
Taylor’s mom gives credence to their relationship by saying she instantly knew Bergie was her daughter’s type but Bergie’s grandfather blows that encouragement up into a million pieces by brutally observing Taylor and Bergie’s chemistry seems “forced.” Damn Grandpa Bergie!!! Sure that’s what every single one of them up there has thought at one point or another, but he’s the first one to say it out loud. I have a huge suspicion they didn’t understand the video would be shared publicly, but hats off to the producers for preying on the ignorance of the elderly
Kyle’s female family members keep the hits coming by saying they don’t like Destiny anymore because of all the drama that continues to follow her. Destiny does a good job of accepting their words with grace and hoping for a better second impression IRL
Kassy’s family graciously gives Leo a second chance
Kyle and Destiny lick their wounds after being dressed down by Kyle’s mom and sister. They’re able to laugh in the end, which doesn’t seem likely for Taylor and Bergie after Grandpa Bergie’s harsh words. When Taylor wonders if Bergie is worried about his family’s opinion, he empathizes with their worries not because of Taylor, per se, but all of the false hopes that came from the women before her. Taylor doesn’t want to take their criticism too much to heart, but cries to the confessional cam nonetheless, hurt that her immediate attraction to Bergie is being questioned just because they’re different.
Who was I kidding, worrying about a lack of drama?
Episode 35
The Hideaway opens up for the night and after a respectful pass from Mr. Good Guy Kenzo in order to stay in Carmen’s dad’s good graces (you know you don’t have to bone, right?) Leo and Kassy get the keys to The Hideaway (they’re definitely going to bone, right?).
Answer: yes, they did the “grand salami”. After the full body cringe caused by Leo’s special way with words passes, it might even be possible to be happy for how happy Kassy expresses she is to the other girls as they get ready for the day.
Hannah tries to console Bergie, who is stressing over his relative’s judgment on his relationship. She helps him accept there’s nothing he can do to change their POV until they’re back in the USA, but, for what it’s worth, she feels Taylor is being forreal. Hannah is a good friend if you ask Bergie, or Marco’s tickly balls.
The couples waste precious screen time and a cleaning crew’s afternoon partaking in a sloppy food making challenge whose entertainment factor hinged on the Islanders being childish enough to refuse to take turns pulling on a rope.
Marco takes some time on the beach to sit with the feelings the homecoming videos stirred up. Seeing everyone’s family members brought up the memory of his mother who has since passed, but he thankfully has Hannah there to console him.
Soon enough the sun goes down and it’s time for everyone to gather around the fire pit for another elimination, this time to determine who will make it to the final. Destiny and Kyle are feeling high from their food challenge “win,” if you can assign an activity so meaningless with winners and losers. While Scott and Johnnie make pledges, empty or otherwise, to make the distance work, the thought of distance for Bergie is suddenly becoming a dealbreaker. In reality, his grandparents’ perception he may be getting played is likely playing on his mind because, as Taylor points out, they don’t live that far apart in the grand scheme of the fifty states.
Sarah Hyland slips into The Villa to announce two couples are getting the snip before the finale. Carmen/Kenzo and Hannah/Marco are unsurprisingly the first two couples to get voted safe; they’re closely followed by Kassy/Leo. This leaves Johnnie/Scott, Taylor/Bergie and Destiny/Kyle remaining vulnerable, with only one couple left to stay.
Taylor and Bergie squeak out the last two seats in the final, to her noticeable relief. The departing couples say their sweet goodbyes and Marco even sends Destiny off with a final olive branch of a toast. Three things in life are certain — death, taxes, and Destiny being Destiny.
Episode 37
Taylor and Bergie agree to table the issue of long distance until it becomes an actual problem. The rest of the couples sail smoothly into one of a few final nights of sharing a twin bed and awake to a text they’ll all have their final dates today. Leo mentioned proposing with a ring pop last night, so we can only hope he settles for making it Facebook official on their helicopter ride.
He and Kassy land on a miniature strip of land where they cheers to the second chance Leo didn’t deserve, but now cherishes deeply. He now knows Kassy is irreplaceable, after trying to replace her with meaningless sex didn’t pan out. He’s willing to follow her to Dallas, New York, or whatever state she decides to post Tiktoks from and proudly asks her to be his girlfriend.
Carmen and Kenzo get the next text to leave the house while Hannah and Bergie give themselves a friendship final date right in their own backyard. As she gets ready, Carmen contemplates saying the L word, if the moment feels right. A local choir greets her and Kenzo with a song and the pair soon moves on to singing each other’s praises and, yes, formally declaring their feelings. Love with a capital L has made its way to Fiji!
Taylor and Bergie head out next to a candle-lit hang out in a jungle loft. Bergie may have had his foot on the brakes yesterday, but today he slams it on the gas by reading a manifestation letter he wrote for his future first girlfriend and asking Taylor to be the girl he always dreamed of. She kindly says thank you and that she can’t believe this is real…ditto, Tay.
Hannah and Marco get the honor of going last. They share an emotional dinner under twinkly lights where he thanks Hannah for bringing him the promise of security and family he’s been searching for. For a second, when he says he knows his mother brought Hannah into his life, it seems like he might genuinely propose, but Marco stops short at asking her to be his girlfriend. They slow dance to acoustic guitar in a cinematic replay that only Love Island could make look not entirely corny.
Back at The Villa the night ends on a high with Bergie, Hannah, Leo, Marco, Kassy and Taylor all commemorating their newly minted status as individual couples.
With just a few more hours of paid vacation left in Fiji, the girls are sent off to dress shop the next morning while the boys are tasked with writing their love speeches. Plenty of sequins and a handful of bad joke pitches later, both the boys and the girls have journaled their hearts out and Taylor specifically voices how excited she is to tell Bergie that he’s not only her boyfriend, but the man she (almost) loves. What a difference a televised finale makes.
That night, Kassy serves Kassandra in a Cinderella inspired number. Taylor sparkles in pink, succeeded by Carmen doing her best Bond Girl impression in a slinky beaded number. Hannah takes the last walk out, shining in yellow, which causes Marco to finally concede she may be out of his league after all. Bergie’s perfectly tailored forest green suit deserves a special nod among the gowns, too. Each couple then takes their turn, spouting their overly saccharine feels, with varying degrees of groundedness and believability.
Finally Sarah Hyland returns to crown America’s winner. Even though Kenzo takes the commitment cake by teasing he’s staging a proposal to Carmen sooner than later, they come in a whopping fourth place behind all the other couples. I guess the traditional side he’s shown the past few episodes haven’t landed well with the public. Bergie and Taylor get third runner up because, duh. It all comes down to Mr & Mrs. Right and Leo the Liar and his Lady.
Thankfully, bad behaviour is not rewarded, and Mom and Dad take it home! Congrats to Hannah and Marco, a couple with love bigger than Marco’s veneers (oh come on, I had to get one more in for the road. Love you Marco). They are given the opportunity to prove their love one last time when the producers bring back the envelope gag in which the couple is presented with two envelopes, one denoting zero dollars and another representing the entire $100K prize. Whoever picks the money envelope can either share the prize or ditch their partner to keep it all for themselves. Marco doesn’t become the first to choose love over money and instead splits the money with Hannah. Many kisses and a few hazardous fireworks later, it’s all over.
If you’ve followed along with these recaps for the past 37 episodes I thank you, I’ll miss you, and I’ll see you next summer — that is for Love Island. Come back to Overstimulated soon for whatever documented debauchery I cover next. Ciao!