In the romcom world, there are four archetypes of male leads: the wrong dream guy, the diamond in the rough best friend, the hardened guy with a heart of gold, and, most dangerous of all, the nefarious nice guy. The nefarious nice guy is never the end game, but rather a duplicitous lesson for our leading lady to learn the hard way as a final plot twist before true love’s reward.

This sweetheart-revealed-undercover-villain has been canonized in film history with characters like Bradley Cooper’s Ben in HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, Paolo Valisari of THE LIZZIE MCGUIRE MOVIE, Sam Rockwell’s diabolically sexy Eric Knox in CHARLIE’S ANGELS, Jidenna’s unforgettable INSECURE cameo (”I just thought you needed a win”), and Dusty Dinkleman, played by Chris Klein, in JUST FRIENDS.

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On screen, these characters present themselves as safe spaces with honor systems and dimples that temporarily lull the heroine with a false sense of security. But in the real world, an even more adept version of this figure exists, wooing women with their rather pedestrian looks. See, in real life, the nefarious nice guy isn’t hindered by Hollywood’s beauty standard mandatory for everyone down to the extras, but he instead is empowered by the external assumption of a lack of pretty privilege.

Not only do these nefarious nice guys act benign, shying away from the openly schemey ways of their fuck boy peers, but their conventionally average looks further reinforce their harmless disposition. He worms his way in with an affable smile instead of a mega-watt one — holds out your chair at dinner, and quietly whispers a well-timed joke in your ear at a group outing that makes you think “wait, this guy gets it.” He’s not afraid to poke fun at himself or prostrate for a punchline. Unlike other cool guys, he’s not hellbent on being an alpha — in fact, he’ll distinguish himself from the bravado Kyle Cookes of the world to be sure you see the difference. If he’s not demanding attention, it’s all the more alluring to give it to him freely, right?

The further into dating age a member of the heterosexual female population gets, the more she considers the nefarious nice guy option. Why? Because dating sucks, and getting dumped or disappointed by game players and dream guys who turn out to be too emotionally immature to want to reproduce their sexy genetic code gets exhausting. “He’ll probably be obsessed with me,” beautiful women tell themselves of a man that their friends would clock as objectively beneath their league upon first meeting. Because he’s overly attainable and emotionally aware, who cares if he’s 5’7” and ineligible for a shirtless GQ cover in any timeline? He’s nice, so he’ll be nice to me.

What West Wilson has recently reminded female Bravo fans duped by his nefarious nice guy routine is that this is almost never the case. West, in fact, weaponizes an elite version of the nice guy bit — he’s not just nice and normal looking, he’s “funny” too. He’s got Midwest manners and class clown charm, so women like Ciara thought they’d be getting something different than the quarterback treatment.

But men, for so many reasons, are not like women. All men, even the presumed teddy bears and goofballs, have been indoctrinated by the patriarchy since they could perceive to understand the world as theirs for the taking. This applies doubly for able-bodied white dudes. Unlike women, who are conditioned to strive to be thinner, prettier, better dressed, smarter — and still likeable! — through media, the beauty industry, and medical professionals who will blame a stabbing pain in your left eye on your period or your BMI.

Yes, there is a beauty standard for men, too, but men simply aren’t confined by it with the same taboo strength. How many times have we seen an Elon Musk with an Amber Heard or a Salma Hayek with a Mr. Salma Hayek (AKA billionaire François-Henri Pinault), while so rarely the reverse dynamic of a stunning man with a less attractive woman exists?

Because while women are distinguished in the romance department according to their looks, men are given tools to supplement theirs — money, power, or being nice — that advance them back up the ladder of attraction. The locker room talk we heard from the man who is currently President is evidence enough that nine times out of ten, a man isn’t building the case for a mildly attractive girl he’s debating dating amongst his bros by offering, “but she’s sooo nice!”

Entertaining a man because of his perceived potential not to do you wrong sounds virtuous on paper. But the reality is, when men as a whole aren’t trained to operate within the same caste system women are (God forbid you’re a size 10, you better be grateful for what you get!), our generosity doesn’t correlate to the results we expect. I’m not saying every graduated nerd has a secret agenda to use and abuse unassuming women they lure into their trap. I am saying dogs come in all shapes and sizes, so just because one looks friendly doesn’t mean you should pet a bitch without doing due diligence.

On West’s first season of SUMMER HOUSE, everyone was rooting for him to be Ciara’s nice guy in shining armor after she’d been previously played by Austen (a lesson in being seduced by six feet five inches, but I digress). It’s true, real nice guys do exist, but separating them from those wearing good guy nature as a mask is a learned skill. In this case, there was always something lurking underneath the surface worth a critical look that West’s overalls and hotdog humor let him escape. West was never tickled pink that Ciara was giving him the time of day (the way a woman would be if a solid 10 chose her). With quiet confidence, he played successful hand after hand, joke after joke, move after move, until she was smitten. It appears that he knew he had a shot all along; he wasn’t grateful enough for the opportunity.

Which makes sense now, seeing the alleged roster of gorgeous women across the nation he’s assembled. In the SUMMER HOUSE season 9 after show, Paige questioned how West thought he could do better. But with women allegedly lining up for quality time with the cherub-cheeked cheeky chappy, it stands to reason he knew he never had to settle for just one.

Ciara made it clear she had certain celibacy boundaries that she only wanted to break for a boyfriend, but between a summer of being treated nicely and meeting West’s family tree in the fall, those boundaries fell away. Post-hook-up, West’s Mr. Nice Guy glamour faded, until this past summer, when the mask slipped back on thanks to deft work of appearing bashful in Ciara’s renewed light. In the kitchen, he told her with puppy-dog eyes that he wasn’t sure if he was allowed access to her. But his possessive claw during truth or dare said otherwise.

It seems Ciara thought she’d broken West back into the submissive sidekick she fell in love with last year. But that guy never existed. There’s a lack of empathy within the fandom for Ciara falling for this shtick multiple times, and truthfully, there is a place for her accountability in this, as it pertains to cultivating discernment of men like West and Austen.

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But lest we forget, West’s weaseling was potent enough to work him back into Ciara’s good graces while simultaneously planting the seeds to secure the favor of her best friend, Amanda Batula (a girl whose code was always deficient, but apparently especially so for black women, the world has now learned). One such seed (demanding Kyle apologize to his wife with a level of accountability fervor West never nurtured when in the hot seat himself) not only endeared West to his future secret girlfriend, but to much of the Bravo audience, before the SUMMER HOUSE scandal, quaintly known as Amandageddon, broke. The catchy nickname does well in obscuring West’s Olympic medal-winning athleticism in nefarious nice guy antics.

West is far from the first of his kind on reality TV. Even though he’s technically reprising the Sandoval role in this play of betrayal, he’s actually much more like Schwartz. The Schwartz who was established as such a loveable oaf that he spun a habit of drunkenly making out behind his long-term partner’s back into a silly goofy personality trait. There’s something untoward behind Danny Booko’s nice guy mask, at least if The Capernas are to be believed.

Outside of Bravo and over on LOVE ISLAND, Kenny was JaNa’s softy, until she allegedly discovered words hard as rocks in his phone. Naming all the well-mannered villains who’ve been cloaked in a rose scent from BACHELOR Nation or hid behind pod walls in the LOVE IS BLIND universe (from Ramses lightswitch emotions to Trevor’s secret girlfriend) would take longer than a rendition of “What Would Jesse Solomon Do?”

The women on the other end of this kind of gentlemanly tyranny know humility doesn’t have a jawline, and kindness isn’t defined by quaintness. Nice guys don’t peacock on social media or give interviews to the New York Times about how chill they are. They also know that niceness is performed for validation while kindness is given freely, and doesn’t disappear circumstantially. Dara called this issue by its name in season 10: “West is amazing, like, until you start dating him.” It’s unfortunate that the onus is once again put on women to protect ourselves from male fuckery, but that’s the world we live in; a world where we must remember class clowns are still clowns, after all.

Nefarious nice guys aren’t the devil; they’re just another dude, and that’s the darksided magic they possess — making women forget that. Refusing to let your guard down because you can tell your unassuming new suitor probably got teased in middle school is doing yourself a favor. Incredible averageness is not an automatic green flag, and in fact, in today’s down bad dating times, could actually be a warning sign.

Nothing feels sweeter than being on the right side of history in the real world or the reality world, which is why you will hear me bragging about my early opinions on West and Amanda of SUMMER HOUSE for years to come.

Apparently, there are Scandovals everywhere for those with eyes to see, and the rumors about Amanda Batula and West Wilson getting romantically involved are, against all reason, true. Now, some of our favorite famous arbiters of pop culture are feeling urgently inclined to draw a proverbial line in the sand on Ciara’s side, following her best friend and biggest crush getting together behind her back. People call it dunking, I call it the most compelling part of pop culture happening in modern times. Sorry, I NEED to know what Emmy nominees are thinking in the midst of an reality TV pr crisis, for my health!

For all the Bravo fans keeping score instead of answering emails this week, here is every celebrity who is proudly Team Ciara on main.

UPDATE: New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani is Team Ciara (I’m not joking)

@adamglynRan into and with @Zohran Mamdani in NYC. #nyc #summerhouse

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When I joked that Kamala HQ would be weighing in, I wasn’t far off! Adam Glynn (NYC’s gentle paparazzo) cornered the most adorable mayor in the congiuous US about where he stood with the SUMMER HOUSE scandal. Admittedly, Mamdani has way bigger (oranger) fish to fry to be worrying about his lesser-achieved peers passing around sloppy summer seconds —Mamdani is THREE!!!!! years older than West, mind you.

But the Mayor did thank Ciara for her work as a nurse during Covid. Later, his chief adviser, Zara Rahim, also dropped their “unofficial position” on the issue in QOB’s comment section: “we are indeed team Ciara at City Hall 😂.” Zohran will be the first NYC mayor to successfully make the presidential transition if he can solve the city’s nefarious nice guy problem, I’m sure of it.

Celebrities Who Are Team Ciara, supporting Ciara Miller

Rihanna

When Badgalriri leaves your fandom, that’s essentially like getting your international baddie card pried out of your hands. Rihanna used to follow Amanda on Instagram, but has now (as shared by fieldnotes on Threads here) hit Batula with an unfollow.

Alana Haim

The Hollywood Haim sister bedazzled a t-shirt in support of Team Ciara for her WWHL appearance. “The thing is, we watched Ciara confide in Amanda,” so Alana didn’t understand Amanda doing this to “her girl.” Great question!

Boston Rob Mariano

Rob is only for being a Traitor on competition shows. Fair enough.

Dylan Efron

Sweet baby Dylan also got in on the SUMMER HOUSE hype, taking over his “entire feed.” He threw a little shade in this carousel by sharing a pic in front of a coffee shop called Big Mistakes paired with the caption “ little this and that and… who else is watching Summer House? ☕️” He also added two hearts underneath Ciara’s extra shady FRIENDS & NEIGHBORS red carpet recap.

Jon Hamm

Jon has lots of big (bad, sorry) Bravo opinions (often gassing up the Peter Pans of the network), so what an unexpected change of pace to see him stand firmly “Team Ciara for sure.” He called West and Amanda’s choice “tricky manifestations of behavior,” which is A-list PR speak for wtf, guys.

Has Paige DeSorbo unfollowed Amanda Batula?

No, Paige has not signaled to the world she’s out on ABSwim with an unfollow, but she did drop love in that same FRIENDS & NEIGHBORS carpet comment section. Kinda the bare minimum considering the fire and brimstone she sent upon Craig for public performances of loyalty after their break-up.

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Ariana Madix

Ariana liked a post by Preston Mitchum (see next), which is basically a double-tap for Team Ciara. As the blueprint scorned woman from Scandoval, this is a big ol’ duhhhhh.

Preston Mitchum

SUMMER HOUSE: MARTHA’S VINEYARD should’ve never been canceled, for many reasons, including the cast’s consistently correct takes. Preston noted how the emotional dinner scene from season 10 (where Ciara explained to West and the rest of the white cast the impact of dating on TV had on her as a black woman) apparently didn’t hit hard enough.

Kyle Cooke

Kyle really tried to tell us ahead of the released statement with this post (in addition to leaving multiple comments hinting at the truth of the Scamanda hookup). We have to assume he’s Team Ciara, as well as team, well, himself, while remaining supportive of his separated wife’s mental health. But someone check on Kyle, too, damn!

Kayla Nicole

After being replaced as the starter serious girlfriend by Travis Kelce for his now fiancée, Taylor Swift, Kayla Nicole is no stranger to the racial blowback that festers after dating a famous white dude (from the Midwest, too!). She stood in solidarity with Ciara on IG stories to elegantly reiterate her truth.

Lisa Rinna

Rinna tacked on a little “Team Ciara” to the end of her latest IG caption on a carousel that naturally had nothing to do with Ciara.

Taylor Misiak

The actress of GOING DUTCH and DAVE shared a text exchange, representing one of millions of Bravo group chats at half mast for Ciara amid the news.

Dave Portnoy

Why is the ghoul of Barstool in it? Because Dave immediately cracked holes in Amanda and West’s joint statement that this was all “recent” by alleging Brianna Chickenfry (real person) confirmed the then-unknown rumors to be true back at the Super Bowl. Yes, the same Super Bowl where West and Ciara sparked dating rumors. Yes, the same Briana Chickenfry West hooked up with. Woof woof.

Lindsay Hubbard

Hubbhouse was the first SUMMER HOUSE cast member to really break the Bravoverse by posting a pic with Ciara on Sunday as the rumors came to a head, followed by her shocked face meme. My favorite of Lindsay’s Team Ciara content was by far the joke claiming Amanda and West’s publicist must be Alex Henderson, the reigning bullshitter of LIB10.

It’s evident that the majority of the Bravo fandom is currently praying for Lindsay, who has endured Amanda’s male-centered antics for a decade, to sharpen her (metaphorical!) knives for the s10 reunion.

Venita Aspen

Venita went to bat for Paige after the Craig breakup, so unsurpisingly, she did the same for Ciara with this pointed slide, followed by a repost of Ciara’s Oscars fit with the caption “Love You.”

You just know the SOUTHERN CHARM group chat is poppin off right now, given how hard Amanda went for Craig’s loyalty post Paige, too.

Guerdy Abraira

Another black Bravo queen chiming in, IKTR. Note the song choice by Kendrick Lamar. Furthermore, is this a good time to yell BRING BACK RHOM???!!!

Erin Lichy

Erin not only shared a Story calling Lindsay a “friend we all need” but commented under Ciara’s latest for good measure.

Sephora

This comment section is wild. I smell a brand deal coming.

Maya Jama

Okay, not saying Ciara would ever want this to happen, but having Maya Jama and Rihanna on your side is kind of a net win when the prize was a dude trying to outdress her for clout.

Brynn Whitfield

Another (retired) Housewife clocking in for support.

Dunkin Donuts

Will Dunkin book Ciara on a campaign? Poss! They’ve worked with Paige.

Pepsi

Pepsi’s social media intern has gotta eat, too.

Jaz from TikTok

TikTok has spoken.

Lexi Wood

Ohhhh, I bet she has so many opinions. And she should!

Jules Daoud

Jules had a rough go of it on her season of SUMMER HOUSE, and, if you’re reading into every little post on the internet the last 24 hours (me), this is her way of dropping a spiritual little “I told you so.”

Essence Magazine

The type of time they’re on is Ciara time. Reposted by Carl Radke no less!

Kristen Doute

@bravowwhlKristen Doute reacts to the current #SummerHouse situation #WWHL

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Doute didn’t go as far as to claim the SUMMER HOUSE sitch was the same as Sandoval, but did confirm on WWHL that she “really feels for Ciara” and doesn’t advise throwing a friendship (and associated paycheck) away “for a fling.”

Candiace Dillard

I was unsure of what take RHOP’s CDB might have on this mess for nuanced reasons that only the girls who get it, will get. No, I won’t be explaining further at this time! In any case, she commented, showing she’s Team Ciara, period.

Kate Chastain

The OG Chief Stew approves, at least of Ciara’s shady boots brand deal.

Wingstop

For the record, I’m team Wingstop, truthfully, because their wings are better than Buffalo Wild Wings to begin with. But BWW gave Wingstop the upper hand by getting weird the day the news dropped. In an attempt to capitalize on engagement (??), BWW shared an “ABWW” graphic in a now-deleted post, which convinced some fans that the very real drama was, after all, some ill-conceived April Fool’s Day brand deal. But no, the graphic was the result of some beleaguered social media manager trying to sell more wings without reading the room, following their pre-existing collabs with Amanda and West. (I love our current ridiculous timeline, BTW, that makes sentences like this actual news.)

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Who from SUMMER HOUSE is supporting Ciara, unfollowing Amanda?

In addition to Lindsay and Kyle posting, the whole damn cast has weighed in.

KJ Dillard

West’s former MO bestie unfollowed both West and Amanda and dropped multiple stories for his big sis Ciara.

Mia Calabrese

Mia’s always been a real one, and didn’t hesitate to unfollow Amanda and West, plus post for her girl.

Carl Radke

Carl has kept it pretty cute, but it’s fair to say he’s Team Ciara after he followed up sharing his disappointed dad meme (multiple times, someone must’ve told him it was funny) by resharing and liking loud support for Ciara from other creators. His position in all of this is incredibly complicated, thanks to his fractured bromance with Kyle, longstanding support of Amanda, and more recent infatuation with Ciara. See ya at the reunion!

Bailey Taylor

I bet Bailey is shocked, given how she got scolded for jokingly questioning Amanda’s loyalty. Hit dogs holler! Bailey still follows.

Levi Sebree

Levi, too, is shocked, but not shocked enough to unfollow, either.

Ben Waddell

In an unexpected twist, Amanda’s biggest fan is out! Ben has unfollowed Bravo’s new couple, met up with Ciara on D-Day, and posted multiple kissy faces of support alongside his gf, Sabrina.

Jesse Solomon

Ofc Jesse wasn’t going to miss out on engagement, but this technically doesn’t mean he’s Team Ciara. Will he turn on West at the reunion (maybe, even if only bc he feels West out-dogged him)? He claims he did not know the whole time, even if we expected him to be Schwartz in this scenario. It’s still possible he knows things that will casually blow this thing wide open when we think it’s all out there under duress.

Danielle Olivera

This actually might bring Danielle and Lindsay back together because of their historic bonding over clocking of Amanda’s tea.

*All image credits belong to social media users and their platform (X or Instagram).

Of all the infamous titles Heather Gay is labeled with online, “New York Times bestseller” doesn’t get thrown around as much by RHOSLC fans. It’s true, though — both GOOD TIME GIRL and BAD MORMON cracked the blockbuster nonfiction roster, a fact that Heather naturally was not shy about emphasizing ad nauseam on the last several seasons of the show. This commercial success has given Utah’s resident frenemy the license to take science fiction for a spin.

On March 19, Heather announced her new novel, ETERNAL GLOW, about “a member of Utah’s competitive Mormon mom group scene whose life unravels after receiving a mysterious invitation to undergo a miraculous beauty procedure.” This entirely fictitious story was presumably inspired by Heather’s long days at Beauty Lab and Laser, and definitely not by watching her younger peers on Hulu spiral between injectable appointments.

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So….did Heather Gay steal cover art for her new book, ETERNAL GLOW?

If you’re thinking, “but isn’t this book basically reheating THE SUBSTANCE’S nachos?” I’m here to inform you that Heather has more immediate copycat accusations to contend with. Allegedly, ETERNAL GLOW’S cover (which shows a sexy pair of red lips reflected in a cracked compact mirror) is a dead ringer for one from a best-selling UK series penned by Melanie Blake.

Melanie quickly caught wind of the noise of social media, posting Heather’s book cover to her story with a lengthy caption including that she has received “tens of thousands of DMs flagging out the rip off of my #RuthlessWomen cover by @heathergay’s publishing team.” RUTHLESS WOMEN ironically touches the TV world too. The story is marketed as a “true battle of the sexes” that happens when a failing soap opera’s “new network owner, the malevolent Madeline Kane, arrives on the private island determined to do whatever it takes to get the show back to the number 1 slot,” which is I assume is the kind of producerial torture expoed in the ANTM doc but also maybe like, murder.

Comparing the covers, the similarities (generous) are evident. Melanie has promised to say more on the alleged infringement soon. I personally would be frightened of any woman whose bio reads, “bitter not better.”

Do authors even pick their book covers?

Note, Melanie did not call out Heather directly but placed the blame on her publishing team. Truthfully, authors are included in the cover design process, but even in the most autonomous of cases, are usually presented with options to tweak, versus sourcing the art themselves. I’ve had this confirmed recently by friends launching books who are forced into a similar level of collaboration when it comes to their book’s title. Still, Melanie did add “women supporting women, eh!” as a caption underneath her Instagram story.

The Bravoverse might be quick to point the finger at the confessional comedian because Heather Gay is sorta kinda a professional aura farmer. Heather’s first memorable moment on the show was exposing her own long-held insecurity about feeling not good enough to be in Lisa Barlow’s friend group (that exchange is how she got the gas to run with the title GOOD TIME GIRL). Her first seasons did start with discussion of her fallout from the church due to her divorce, but once that well ran dry, hyperfixated on Heather’s shtick of redeeming herself to the cool girls, including Jen Shah.

Back then, Heather appeared most comfortable playing the second fiddle in a romcom role, who loved landing sassy soundbites about doing dirty things with sexy men, the joke being how funny it was for a woman like her to desire such things. Heather’s deference as the supporting woman went as far as poorly covering up a physical confrontation with Jen Shah to stay in the inner circle.

After working to lose a significant amount of weight and with the success of her books, Heather’s comfort as goofy #2 on the call sheet has dissipated. As her cast mates, including Mary Cosby, noted, Heather’s aura sharply shifted from silly spinster to openly aspiring ring leader. Heather deemed Bronwyn out virtually on sight after she achieved the rank of right hand to her queen, Lisa Barlow, but then turned on Baby Gorgeous the very next season, claiming Britani (someone Heather treated as laughable last year, like the rest) as her own loyal soldier worth protecting. Heather’s status in the group appears to feed off of how she positions the others around her, not her own growth or decline.

Heather’s confessionals became less rehearsed comedic relief and more Bethenny Frankel biting commentary. Her underwhelming imitation of Meredith Marks getting upset over missing a call from Brooks on Mother’s Day, for example, was confusingly cold (and British). Heather filled the void left behind from using herself as the butt of the joke with whatever Housewife stood in the way of her being the fan favorite, by the looks of it.

Heather’s constantly changing persona feels like performative aura farming watching from home, because it always comes back to optics or other people’s relationships, as opposed to being motivated by what’s really going down in Heather’s head. So, fans quickly poked holes in her problems with her frenemies, like her concern for Meredith’s drinking while appearing far from sober during the two-part four-episode BELOW DECK: DOWN UNDER crossover, let alone the rest of the season. Not to mention how she brazenly capped about an implied hookup with baby angel Captain Jason, then feigned confusion about why people were calling her out for the thirst at the reunion. Heather’s season 6 storyline was excitement over being an empty nester as her kids moved on, but her one-note jokey thrill over being left alone fell flat after the first few mentions.

Maybe a requirement of understanding Heather is reading the existing 592 pages about her life. But on SALT LAKE CITY, Heather’s POV seems to be reflective of how others feel about her, and how she can manage that perception, rather than push through to show the world who she really is. When she thought the girls and Bravo audience saw her as an unworthy side character (something she stated at the season 6 reunion), Heather leaned into court jestering. When she thought the group would bow down to her glow up, Heather took on the task of chasing the center snowflake with bitchy abandon. Who is Heather Gay, without the weight of outside opinions she wants to wield, to this world? Though the reaction to Heather lately is admittedly lukewarm at best, I bet it’s still a viable question viewers would be open to learning the answer to.

The heat from the book cover drama is highly unlikely to derail Heather’s latest literary accomplishment. Not after she presumably spent many scenes during the upcoming season tip-typing away on her laptop like Amanda Frances to prove her authorship. But if she wants her Utah-cursed sci-fi drama to cook, she’ll need to get her team to stop linking Heather’s to obvious inauthenticity. Heather’s girlfriends don’t need any more ammo, Podium Entertainment!

I’ve seen a lot of scary movies over the years. In fact, this year, my favorite Oscars contenders (SINNERS, ONE BATTLE AFTER ANOTHER, and WEAPONS) were so stuffed with tension and fear, I needed way more than a piece of bread to calm down afterwards. And yet the fear I felt watching Michael B. Jordan fight against the immortal bloodsucking soul of Michael B. Jordan is nothing compared to the terror I felt while listening to a recorded phone call of Chris Fusco, of LOVE IS BLIND, closing the door with a woman he was allegedly seeing before and after filming the show, according to said woman, Marta Stelmaszyk.

As reported by Cosmo, Marta made a handful of TikToks teeing up tea about her “ex,” Chris. Said tea included a sassy review of Chris as a romantic prospect. In Marta’s words: if you want a guy that comes with the belief that he’s “God’s gift” for owning “two pairs” of designer shoes, “emotional whiplash” from “mid-sentence” ghosting, “financial delusion” to the tune of hefty alleged credit card debt (which Chris acknowledges), and mold exposure (lol), Marta recommends!

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@agirlandherwheatieShould I keep going 👀 🍵 #fyp #exbf #loveisblind #columbus #teatime

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I would’ve found Marta’s far less than flattering presentation of Chris hard to digest had I not already binged the second drop of LIB S10 episodes, in which Chris transforms, without warning, from a likeable enough short liege (never king, LBR) to an angry elf in front of his pod partner Jessica’s eyes. I don’t want to dangle the oft-abused G-word (gaslighting) here, but that’s mostly because there’s no art of deception going on in Chris’ sudden and brazen dismantling of Jess’ physical value in his eyes to her face.

This man climbs through a window like Peter Pan and without much further ado informs Jess he “doesn’t know if, it’s there for him” anymore, because, even after weeks of reassuring her about their childfree dream future together, Chris has to be “totally honest”: “In the real world” he “dates people who fucking do fucking CrossFit and shit” (instead of women with demanding careers, like Jessica’s as an infectious disease doctor, that might not allow for a ~flirty n fun~ fitness routine). FYI, that was Chris’ way of sharing his concerns without sounding like a dick.

Despite Chris’ protests for Jessica not to feel “sad” because none of his feelings for her were fake, BTW, Jessica is upset. She lets Chris know, then and there, that she’s unwilling to be with someone who doesn’t think her body is “good enough.” In trying to process what appeared to be an out-of-character about-face, I fell in the camp of astute observers who are partial to the theory that Chris spiraled after seeing Jess’ four-bedroom house in a crisis of SDE. Either way, Jess must be somewhere kicking her feet in glee that she got out, after hearing Marta’s recorded evidence of just how left a conversation with Chris expressing discontent can go.

Chris From LIB’s Phone Call To Marta Stelmaszyk Quotes, Recap

Marta took to the safe haven of Reality Steve’s podcast to drop a consented recording (Chris says at the 3:28 minute mark of the call, “you can record this, do whatever you want, send it to whatever you want it to.”) of a colorful chat she had with Chris, following a voice message he left her on Thanksgiving (which she also shared). I’m using the word conversation liberally, since it’s mostly Chris speaking with minimal interruption. I figure it might be best to quote Chris’ greatest hits from the call directly below:

• “I want you to understand, like, the facts and the truth.” Chris is a really huge fan of championing his truth, though he presents it several times through this as absolute fact.

• “You’re going to meet somebody, I hope they’re rich, I hope they’re a doctor, and I hope they make a lot of money because that’s your only hope in life. I have to be honest with you.” When Marta asks why he’s being so “mean,” Chris pushes back. He’s not being mean, he’s being “honest,” and she’s “getting mad” at him for “speaking the truth.” Oh, okay!

• “I don’t give a fuck.” As we saw on LIB, not giving a fuck, let alone a flying one, is a part of Chris’ core ethos, though he doesn’t have a great answer for why he is calling Marta if that is true (”I wanna make it clear to you and put it in your brain so you understand, going forward in my life of — in your life — of what’s gonna be like a thing because obviously we’ve had like a thing.”)

• “It’s like look at me, this guy’s a loser, a con-artist, he doesn’t spend any money. Marta, you have no fucking clue, like you have no clue about…” end of thought!

• “I don’t give a fuck about 60,000 dollars” (the number Marta alleged in a TikTok that Chris’ allegedly owes), “I was 380,000 in consumer debt. You think they’re going to give somebody money if they don’t make money? 380,000 in consumer credit debt. I don’t think so.” This is soooo Grande Dame of Potomac of him, TBH.

• “There was one year when I literally made $790,000, and I didn’t pay taxes. I didn’t pay fucking one dollar.” So this is what it feels like to not have a crippling fear of the IRS. Nice!

• “Like, you were like yo, you don’t want to pay for this trip, you don’t want to pay 500 bucks. It’s like, I can give you fucking 15,000 dollars, shut the fuck up. Like it’s like bitch…I want someone who’s like ‘hey you don’t need to give me 500 bucks, like I got this shit, like it’s cool.’” Just in case any future suitors are keeping score, I will take 500 or 15K, NQA.

• “I was with some girl for seven years. Her dad was worth 30 million dollars.” Also putting it out there, I’m open to dating this girl’s dad!

• “All these girls. Like, they’re all the same.” And I love that about women.

• “Obviously, this isn’t a call where it’s like, ‘hey, I hope we’re gonna you know be a thing’. That’s not the thing, that’s not the call. This is me telling you like, ‘hey, I wish you the best’. You can follow my Instagram if you want at some point in your life.” Ending this rant with a ploy for a double-tap? Masterful work. Fin.

Maybe the spookiest part of Chris’ diatribe is how we all have a story (and maybe a recording, if we’re lucky) like this. If you feel so inclined, stand in solidarity with “all girls who are the same” by dropping your wildest weirdo man message storytime in the comment section!

I’m not quite sold on New Year’s resolutions as much as I’m enchanted by picking a New Year's vibe shift. Starting January 1 with a girthy to-do list of anxiety-inducing “best self” protocols seems like a recipe for failure; choosing a theme for a new season of life, like how writers choose an overall arc for a new season of a show or how Lizzo elected to be more a bitch in 2026, feels visionary.

This year, my newly elected mood presented itself to me through the viral voice of Linnethia Monique Leakes. Which viral sound, you may ask? It’s a fair question, given the REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA titan and actress always has new and returning moments being inducted into the digital pop culture history book. No matter how many Nene-isms repenetrate the zeitgeist, the most infectious, in my eyes, remains, “Okay…whatever that means.”

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If you don’t agree, to be fair, there’s incredibly stiff competition. From that scene alone (the one where Nene had a not-lunch-date with a Sadie Brothers’ x Tim Robinson character from New York), there are several greatest hits, including the fan-favorite “it’s getting weird,” the incomparable “bling bling bitches is mad,” and the oft underappreciated, “but I gotta get that watch!”

The key to the endless entertainment value a rare talent like Nene brings to the table is that her unscripted behavior not only works in filmed scenes as situational shade, but in the lives of her viewers as the seamless narration of a state of mind. It’s the type of freestyle oracle spitting that only comes from authenticity you can’t buy or get plumped up by a plastic surgeon. You can wax poetic above word count about how someone in your life is trying to make you out to be the villain, or you can simply drawl that the hater in question finds you so nasty and so rude — and be sure to repeat it twice.

Because of the depths of Nene’s library of contributions to the culture, despite the fact that she has been notably absent from network television in a non-host series regular role since her departure from RHOA in 2020, and despite the fact that I am, potentially, her biggest fan in the Northern Hemisphere, I still discover 24K hidden gems that have slipped through the cracks in her volume of iconicness. One such moment, immediately upon viewing it on Tikkity Tok, cemented itself as my MO for this year of the horse (the year Chinese astrology projects will favor free spirits who refuse to be reigned in):

@blackguysbravotooNene Leakes said it best. #newyear #neneleakes #fyp #trendingtiktok #viral

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In an interview with Extra from July 2015, Ms. Leakes told the outlet, “I don’t really care really that much about what people think anyway. I’m kind of that girl. Like, I’m in a place in my life where I really don’t give shit, you know what I’m saying, about what people really think at the end of the day.” Nene had then just departed RHOA for the first time, off the back of a falling out from her once-sisterly, now-disloyal soulmate, Cynthia Bailey.

“Because people are always gonna think something,” Nene continued with Extra, “but I just want to be in a place where I’m free and I can kind of like get back to me and laugh. Because that’s what I like to do. I don’t really like being in a place where I’m not laughing.” It’s this precise energy I plan to wield, come hell or high water, after a year with far too few giggles and way too little freedom.

The not-give-a-shit-ness of it all is in great part what presumably fueled Nene to desert Bravo — twice. As Nene herself said, in another beloved turn of phrase, “I’m like a dude. When I don’t do you, I don’t do you no more.” The first time, she bounced to keep heating her iron in Hollywood after a fantastic run as Rocky Rhoades on THE NEW NORMAL alongside Andrew Rannells and Roz Washington on Ryan Murphy’s glory days joint, GLEE. Her much more tense second bow-out led to a lawsuit with the network that was once her world stage. The purportedly burnt bridge reigned embers down on her previously symbiotic relationship with Bravo’s figurehead, Andy Cohen. It’s no secret Andy has favorites, and Nene was at the top of that list, alongside her husband Gregg.

Nene’s disappearance from the Bravoverse for half a decade isn’t to say she hasn’t been working. She made guest appearances on several major TV sitcoms (THE UPSHAWS, THE DYNASTY reboot, FIRST WIVES CLUB on BET), daytime talk shows, and game shows; co-hosted TV specials, celebrity news recaps, and red carpets; guest-judged an obscure reality cooking competition series with Scott Disick; even helmed a dating show as the titular host and narrator for Lifetime called OUTRAGEOUS LOVE.

Truthfully, in the grand scheme of careers, five-ish years off screen isn’t technically that long. But when Linnethia dipped her toe back into the NBCUniversal pool with E! for the 2025 Oscars, it felt like hope for a drop of water after a century of desert island dryness for ATLANTA viewers. It would’ve been hard not to, given the disillusionment from several seasons of painful underperformance in the A while Nene was gone (only recently addressed by the much-needed comeback of Porsha Williams).

But now, thankfully, prayerfully, cuntishly, the bitch is BACK! Nene confirmed in a tearful joint Instagram post with Bravo that she and her trademark 613 inches were welcomed back with open arms. She was elated when thanking network executives, including her old friend Andy Cohen, in case anyone might be under the impression that such a redemption arc could have occurred without the pair’s burying of the hatchet. Nene also took time to call out her little sis Por-sha, and Southern-fried bestie, Phaedra Parks, who knows all too well the hill dethroned black female reality icons have to climb back to the top.

So far, Bravo has shared that Nene will drop in on a special HOUSEWIVES 20th anniversary season of ULTIMATE GIRLS TRIP, with P, as well as Tre, Vicki, Lu, Gizelle, Lisa Barlow, and, well, Kyle. But for Bravo to announce, so gradiosely, that the door is open after a fraught era with one of the central faces of their talent Mount Rushmore, means more is likely OTW.

I’d be confused if it weren’t eventually confirmed that Angela Oakley and Kelli Ferrell have a way Bigger Bad than Brit Eady’s nasal congestion to face for season 17. And when that time comes, I hope you, with me, will raise a Hugo Spritz to the OG HBIC of RHOA, back where she belongs.

Every year that I get older, I am kindly and cruelly reminded that the universe is about balance. As my tongue only gets sharper, every muscle in my back grows correspondingly more derelict. Aubrey Plaza’s cinematic body of work only grows more undeniable, while Aubrey Graham’s musical shenanigans delve further into humiliation kink territory. It seems like, akin to Aunt Gladys in Weapons, for one phoenix to rise, another’s ashes must be siphoned out.

Which is why I have a burning feeling that Katie Ginella’s current status in the orange limelight couldn’t have happened without the attempted dismantlement of Katie by her peers. Not to say viewers became endeared to Katie because of Emily Simpson’s barking. But rather because of the way her coworkers’ behavior cast unbecoming shadows on their own character, ample space was made for Katie to flourish in the RHOC ecosystem.

Heather, Tamra, Gina, Emily, Shannon, Gretchen, and, saddest of all, Jennifer Pedranti have unionized in the cause of painting Kaite Ginella as a “con artist.” While Shannon’s motives stemmed from her own valid issue with Katie, she joined in on the coordinated dunk session so swiftly that it’s too hard to distinguish (momentary pause to picture Shannon Storms Beador vs. a basketball hoop). “When Katie’s mouth is moving, she’s lying,” Heather said glibly during the 19th season, and that sentiment seemed to be the one thing that bonded the women more than resenting Heather’s work commute or ignoring questions about who they voted for since 2016.

With abandon the franchise hadn’t displayed since the public flagellation of Brooks Ayers, seven women convicted their co-worker as a source not even worth considering. So it’s high time someone with less diplomacy than Andy Cohen and more discernment than Kiki Monique asks: what the hell did Katie Ginella lie so horribly about? Here’s a thorough accounting of all of the lying accusations against Katie Ginella in season 19 of RHOC for those keeping score.

1. Katie said: Heather DuBrow snubbed her at Sutton Stracke’s Christmas party and then tagged Katie in a photo she wasn’t in.

   • Is this a proven lie? No. Heather vehemently denied she would ever be so cold as to not say hello (a mighty claim coming from a Housewife with a trademark brow furrow/frown combo), but that doesn’t mean that Katie did not feel unwelcome by a reigning employee at her upcoming job. Heather did, accidentally or not, tag Katie.

     1. Note: Sutton later texted Heather to call Katie a “user” for not contributing enough to a joint event, but given Sutton’s proven track record of bending the knee to the highest-ranking wife, her character testimony feels immaterial.

2. Katie said: Heather allegedly did call the papz to Disney, citing a personal source.

   • Is this a proven lie? No. As most of the cast agreed the season prior, it’s incredibly suss that celebs far more elite than the Dubrows roam anonymously at Disney, and that these loved-up photos of Heather and Terry conveniently landed amid alleged rumors of cheating. If you believe Heather is above such scheming, and that a paparazzi (who Heather knows personally, BTW) miraculously appeared on Rodeo Drive with the ability to confirm her innocence, kudooz to you! But there is no evidence Katie lied here — she asked a friend, took their word at face value, and had every reason (like an overwhelming number of fans, FWIW) to believe it to be true.

3. Katie said: Gina said she only stayed friends with Heather for her real estate connections.

   • Is this a proven lie? No. This is a classic she said, she said, that makes reality TV go ‘round. Gina was using Heather’s real estate contacts, but that doesn’t mean it was the sole reason she kept begging Heather for forgiveness, either. The truth likely lies somewhere in the middle. Katie may have run with a shit talk session, stated behind closed doors, in too severe a direction, but that’s not the same as intentionally fabricating a statement.

4. Katie said: she lives in Orange County, not San Diego.

   • Is this a proven lie? No. Katie did temporarily “move” to San Diego for two months to take care of her father-in-law, who was dying. Then, when she returned to OC, her family found a different home. Why this timeline would indicate the work of a malicious con artist (on a network where women have moved coasts for camera time) is a question for Emily and Gina, but I’d probably first ask why neither of them spared a breath to offer Katie condolences first.

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1. Katie said: Her daughter, Kaili, allegedly heard Emily Simpson’s kids repeating that Emily had badmouthed Heather (allegedly calling her “mean”).

   • Is this a proven lie? No. Emily maintains she never made her kids aware of show drama. But her former nanny alleged in a DM to Katie and to ~the blogs~ that Emily was “absolutely lying” about this, specifically saying Emily’s daughter would give her all the “juicy gossip.” To be fair, said nanny also claimed Emily’s kids had the opportunity to scoop such tea from the internet. To be even more fair, Emily’s volume control seems minimal at best. Is it possible her kids could have found out their mom’s alleged frustrations with Heather, which she expressed vehemently, indirectly? Either way, there’s no reason to believe Katie went out of her way to make this up at her daughter’s expense, just to call Heather “mean”… Katie made that opinion clear to Heather’s face on her own.

2. Katie said: Emily’s nanny contacted her, not the other way around.

   • Is this a proven lie? No, this is the truth, as confirmed by Emily’s nanny’s published DMs. What’s questionable here is Katie’s choice to engage with a potential clout chaser and give her the information of a podcaster, no matter how mad Katie was about her and Kaili’s character being in question. But Katie never lied about doing it!

3. Katie said: nothing about the frightening road incident that impacted her custody until Emily used Katie’s trauma as a mic drop at the season 18 reunion.

   • Is this a proven lie? Unless you consider it a prerequisite to immediately bring up the dirty details of your deepest life lows to new friends on national television, no, Katie never lied about the complicated situation with the police report or her ex-husband to the women. (As for the event itself, there was far too little explained on camera to definitively dismiss Katie’s alleged account that she was not the aggressor against a stranger while driving with her kids in the back seat.) She did, in other ways, explore the problems with her ex in her freshman season.

     1. Note: This is the same season in which Emily championed falsely accused, ex-convicted individuals as a part of her work with The Innocence Project, before she’d later proudly declare, “the police don’t lie,” to discredit Katie at the reunion. Some fans thus questioned if Emily was being honest in her belief in The Innocence Project’s mission, as they are “a community of empathetic, open-minded, and creative individuals” who haved helped to “secure 21 state-based reforms, which include new laws in Oregon and Illinois that ban police from lying to youth during interrogation (a tactic that has disproportionately impacted Black, Indigenous, and people of color).”

4. Katie said: She didn’t call the first blogger/podcaster, The Bravo Babe, as accused by Tamra, they only exchanged DMs.

   • Is this a proven lie? Yes, Katie did eventually get service and had to confirm that she called the blogger via Instagram. It’s possible Katie got confused because she never exchanged phone numbers, but Katie should’ve been able to recall hearing this person’s voice quicker than that.

5. Katie said: She did record Shannon in the dressing room, but she didn’t play the recording for Alexis Bellino.

   • Is this a proven lie? Maybe, this one is tricky. Alexis did go out of her way to confirm she heard it on WWHL (notably using the same damning rhetoric Johnny J used against Shannon, mind you). What would both of their motives be to lie? Katie, to keep a bad mistake from being worse. Alexis, to keep herself relevant and back up her friends still on the show. It’s hard to buy that last season’s court jester is suddenly a beacon of truth, or that Shannon’s vengeful ex wouldn’t have memorized that damn recording. Further, Alexis’ alleged quotes from Shannon’s meltdown are laughably generic, like something AI would generate. If Alexis really heard it, and Jenn was at the dinner, how did Jenn not hear it?? Regardless, what is proven is a gaping lack of foresight on Katie’s part to record Shannon in the first place, and then play it for her arch nemesis just to tell a story.

6. Katie said: Gretchen Rossi alleged that she went to the hospital after Naked Wasted. Katie said this first to Kiki Monique, then told the group Gretchen never said it, then admitted Gretchen did say it after all.

   • Is this a proven lie? Yes, Katie has to be lying one way or another here - either Gretchen made this allegation it or didn’t, and Katie claimed both sides at one point. Gretchen herself said on RHOC that she went to the hospital for being “so sick,” and detests Tamra Judge, so………..yeah. Misspeaking is possible!

7. Katie said: the lie detector test was a setup by Emily with paid actors.

   • Is this a proven lie? No, Katie was telling the truth that the administrator of the lie detector has appeared on television many times and offers “simple acting” on his website. Her assumption that those services could’ve been procured by a woman who was hellbent on proving her to be a liar was reasonable. That the group chose to believe Heather’s “lie” about the papz was a fluke, but couldn’t extend the same to Katie (who was extremely nervous, which can skew results), speaks to their fairweather belief in the test’s accuracy. Emily’s implication during the season 19 reunion that production pushed the scene was declared false by Alex Baskin, BTW.

8. Katie said: Shannon called Alex Baskin to get her kicked off the show, and that Jenn told her that.

   • Is this a proven lie? No. While Alex confirmed he never spoke to Shannon, that in no way indicates whether or not Jenn told Katie it happened.

By objective assessment, Katie has left a molehill, not a mountain, of lies in her two-season wake. Most of the things she’s accused of lying about (naming Heather as an unfriendly hottie, claiming Emily is a gossipy mom, pointing out Gina’s secret social-climby tendencies) wouldn’t be earth-shattering even if they were true. This franchise and network have seen far bigger bomb shells, and everyone knows it (hello, the millions of lawsuits these women have threatened to file against each other).

That’s why this incessant spiral over Katie’s faux pas is simply not interesting to watch. Some of the claims the women have projected onto Katie, like Emily’s Notes App accusation that Katie never really wanted to meet her biological mother (???), are far more unhinged than anything Matt Ginnella said on stage. (At BravoCon 2025, Emily said her husband, Shane, would never exhibit such disrespect, but I may need the paid-actor-lie-detector to ask Shane about that time he yelled at Gina for acting like a “drunken, loud, cackling, older woman” right around when he made fun of her court situation.)

It’s almost like there’s something different about Katie that triggered a mission to push her out. Heather called Katie Noella 1.5, and the interesting shared trait about Katie and Noella, other than their being the only two women of color to grace the RHOC call sheet, was their immediate dismissal of Heather Dubrow’s book of etiquette. Noella was unruly in her persistence to ruffle feathers because she found it more fun than fitting in. It seems like Katie’s unbothered authenticity has landed her in a similar position against the ropes.

Katie is not an untrustworthy mastermind of deceit; her crime was speaking too freely, too often, to the wrong people for validation she wasn’t getting from the group. Let a baddie who has not run her mouth one too many times cast the first stone! I believe Katie, if given another chance, will learn from the consequences of her unintended shit storm. And I don’t believe it should be up to women who are determined to misunderstand her if she gets a second round in the ring.

Is there anything worse than the sound of a grown man whining because of the consequences of his own actions? West Wilson's current era on Summer House was surely designed by the universe to make sure we never find out. I didn't think West could do anything more annoying than his signature fawn freeze when he gets called out on camera, not unlike a cow waiting to be tipped by mischievous Amish kids. But the B-Z list celebrity interviewer (his words!) has managed to sophomore slump his way into remarkable audacity.

West has graduated from being a deer in headlights, seemingly obtuse to why Ciara would be so pissed off at him telling NYT he just wasn't that into her, to his newest, possibly truest form: indignant as hell. Turns out West wasn't silent, he was silenced by Ciara having the guts to tell him that he and his haircut ain't shit (note: this was actually a huge display of grace given she did not bring up that he dresses like he can only select pieces from Blake Lively's imaginary twin gay son and thot daughter's joint wardrobe with a claw machine).

But after several episodes of biting his tongue, West sings his heart out about how howwibly meanie pants Ciara is post-breakup. I wanted to grab the world's smallest violin during his convo with Amanda after the pirate party. Then I realized the song was already written for the 2001 musical romp JOSIE AND THE PUSSY CATS. West is apparently waking up in the Hamptons with the band's Pretend To Be Nice ringing in his ears, a message he bizarrely believes should resonate after he played her like he was Yo-Yo Ma on national television.

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West is a whiner I've seen many times before. That one who wishes we could all be cool again, like we were before that thing happened, even if that thing was a product of their own doing, because it's so much better to not be better. (Note: I love bitter things, like kimchi and dark chocolate.)

I can agree there wasn't Love lost between West and Ciara, a point he implies time and again. They were just dating! “It didn't fucking, that fucking happens!” West nearly stomps his little feeties when he tells Amanda that he can deal with Ciara "telling herself" that he used her to accept the truth (that he moved on). But can't she just stop telling his friends that, too, he begs, all because Jesse told West that Ciara wasn’t interested in becoming buddies rn.

What people without enough discomfort endurance to keep calm and carry on after a fallout (try growing up with three siblings; you'll learn) fail to understand is that their sense of validation is their problem and theirs alone. Ciara doesn't have to make it nice (and nor would Dorinda) for the sake of the group or his ego, which is what seems to be most at stake here. West explains that he can't stand being perceived as the villain, not because it pains him to think Ciara would believe he never cared about her, but because it makes him look bad, and he knows he's not a bad guy.

We, the thick-skinned grudge holders who stand on business, might not like you — but that doesn't equate to calling you an immoral Sandoval-esque succubi. In fact, Ciara never said West was irredeemably awful (her exact words were "beta ass" "fucking loser" lolz). Her words were not Meghan Markle-approved dinner conversation, but hey, maybe the thin-skinned squirmers of the world could learn to walk a bit further away from the wild side if they don't want to find themselves in uncomfortable kitchens they can't stand the heat of?

West is sooo close to getting the point when he acknowledges Ciara does believe that he was using her for Bravo clout (a well-documented sentiment she's not alone in clocking). But he insists because he doesn't agree that her feelings are at worst invalid or at best not worth mentioning again. On top of that, he apparently wants a pat on the back for being "polite" and "civil" when I guess being a dick to add insult to injury was an option he considered. It's childish, entitled, and painfully naive boy math to expect points for doing the right thing. Not to mention, according to Ciara, if he hadn't kept publicly yapping after their post-reunion meet up, they probably would've been cool enough to make out this summer (yes, this is where my defense of Bed Bug #2 comes to an abrupt end).

West seems to operate under the pretense that if he wifed Ciara, all would be forgiven by the fans. But dumping her was never the problem. His lack of accountability for the ways he led her on along the way is what turned women all the way off. And now this boohooing about how hard it's been to have to sit in the dog house instead of the magical land where he, Ciara, and Jesse (who is, FWIW, his silent opp when it comes to Ciara) remained the three musketeers is so delusional it's kinda infuriating. The situation should be adapted into an anecdotal sentence on Merriam-Webster for having your cake and eating it, too.

To all the whiners, male and female, who need to hear it: a woman you pissed off doesn't owe you a soft landing place after you pushed her over the edge. Just be happy she's giving you the cold shoulder instead of shoulder-checking you into next week (because Overstimulated does not encourage violence, peace, love, allegedly, allegedly, bye!).

@vanityfairReminder: #MeganTheeStallion is that girl. #VFOscarParty

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Let me rewind. If you're hearing about Hannah Berner for the first time through her latest blunder interviewing Megan Thee Stallion on the Vanity Fair Red Carpet, then (first off, congrats on not being chronically online) let me explain, because the tea goes far beyond Bravo.

ICYMI, Hannah Berner is a female "farts are funny"-adjacent comic who got kicked off of Summer House (by her own admission). This inspired her to pursue comedy, recently resulting in successfully landing her own Netflix special. Her counterpart, Paige DeSorbo, is a Bravolebrity of the same series who recently won a loud breakup from her reality TV boyfriend, Craig Conover. Hannah and Paige got the incredible opportunity to host the live stream of the red carpet arrivals for the Vanity Fair Oscars After Party. This was a gig I did not know existed until VF announced this year's honored cohort (Hannah, Paige, Francesa Scorcese, and, of course, Tan France — because Tan is legally obligated to host something, anything, once a quarter lest a silk caterpillar loses its tail). But it was instantly understood to be a notable gig nonetheless.

During said red carpet affair, Hannah and Paige got priceless facetime with many A-lsit stars, including Megan Thee Stallion, a moment which brought Hannah to tears. Why? Because, as Hannah told Meg to her face, when Hannah wants to "fight someone," she listens to thee Stallion.

Most of those who congregate at the altar of Hannah and Paige's snarky feet do so in the sanctuary of the ladies' podcast, The Giggly Squad (a name derisively thrust upon them by their Summer House castmate, Kyle Cooke). But for a girl like me, who consumes every second of content Bravo airs religiously (usually twice) I'm one of the lucky tribe who first met Hannah during her rollercoaster stint on Summer House. Hannah first ruffled feathers with the audience in season 3 for being, for lack of a better word, obnoxious. Still, there was something about the way she took up space so unapologetically that felt fitting for reality TV, even if she wasn't everyone’s entertainment cup of tea.

That was until Hannah's crush on a castmate, Luke, spiraled into a witch hunt. Luke made the mistake of starting a casual fling with Hannah in season 5 (including going down on Hannah "for hours," according to her recollection on Watch What Happens Live) without the intention of seeing it through. When he pulled back at the end of summer because Hannah was catching feels, Hannah's discontent was fairly relatable.

But her anti-Luke campaign the following summer, on season 6, starting with turning Luke’s own guest, Ciara, against him, all while skeet-shooting his character off camera, too, was far less so. Especially when Hannah capped off the season by introducing her new man, Des, (who would soon become her husband), revealing their relationship had begun at the same time she claimed she was deeply bemsirmched by the stolen situationship with Luke. When Hannah had secret sex with Des in her friend's’ bathroom as revenge in a big-dogging beef with Kyle that ruined her friendship with Amanda, her tenure on Summer House came to an explosive head.

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Then, shit went supremely left when Hannah went on a podcast and allegedly mocked Luke's admission that the hate following the season, stoked by Hannah, hit him at a life-threateningly dark time. Hannah's dismissal of Luke's suicidal ideation was then the biggest of her microscandals, one for which she apologized, while cresting over continued allegations that she'd, um, “borrowed” jokes she repurposed as her own to grow her online presence. These alleged accusations still resurface to this day. But don't let the stink that's lingered behind Hannah's coattails fool you. Much of the Bravoverse’s favorite spunky Long Islander Italian isn't without criticism, either.

Paige DeSorbo has allegedly ticked a couple of the typical influencer bingo card boxes of no-nos over the years thanks to podcast commentary that got Reddit in a tizzy. Most of these alleged misspeakings, upon present investigation, have been dutifully scrubbed from the internet, though there is record of that time they both laughed on a Live about Paige “being an autistic person.” Paige’s colorist comments about Rege-Jean Page making a perfect James Bond because he's "real British," AKA "light-skinned," also remain. Paige's response — commitment to "learning and growing" — to the Rege comments didn't cover what biases may have led to why the thought occurred to her in the first place.

@emmaaaaohReplying to @V E R S A S H Y #hannahberner #megantheestallion #vanityfairoscarparty

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But if you ask The Gigglers, no matter what you might take issue with, it's all out of context, the context being that Paige and Hannah are fucking hilarious icons. To their fans, to know Hannah and Paige is to love them; listening to their podcast to get their jokes is apparently a prerequisite of justly comprehending anything they do outside of it.

However it may seem because of the diligence with which I enjoy itemizing receipts, I do not have an unwavering belief that Hannah and Paige should be banished to cancel-land. But what I do want cut short is their fandom's obsession with insisting anyone who critiques the pair is a decrepit old baby boomer in a loveless marriage (I'm paraphrasing an actual tweet I actually read).

Because I don't get a chuckle from regurgitating internet speak like "we ride at dawn" (something Hannah categorically did not make up but did use as the title of her Netflix special), apparently, they'll “see me in court.” This is, of course, another inside joke that serves as a Giggler's battle cry and not to mention something that won't happen in spaces where writers like myself know how to allegedly-proof the fuck out of an opinion piece.

There's nothing wrong with enjoying the prattling on their podcast or their haphazard style of interviewing celebs, where everything's made up, and the points don't matter. Their chatter with Jesse Eisenberg, for example, wasn't the level of smoothness I prefer from trained entertainment journalists (such as the incredibly articulate Zuri Hall on E!), but still was less egregious than allegedly affiliating a known assault victim with angry, black, fighting energy. Especially when the majority of said rapstress’ lyrics are about anxiety and shaking ass.

@urdelulubestieThat interview was a clear microagression but Megan held her own #megantheestallion #vanityfair #oscars #fyp

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I'll admit, to declare Hannah and Paige your altruistic life gurus feels iroganic for me, even as a heavy guilty pleasure consumer with a comittment to a healthy mix of high-brow and low-brow, mostly because of the depth and transcience of their materials. Still, the Gigglers have every right to stan with a capital S even if I'm not the target audience. But their standom would go far more unscathed if they didn't always clap back at any differing opinions with jokes ripped straight out of an imaginary play I'd call How To Succeed In Boss Girling Without Even Trying. And honestly, that's not a read! Okay, it's a little bit of a read, but I would see that play after a long week when I just wanted to drink a glass of wine and laugh. I understand that the comfort The Giggly Squad brings its hindmive stems from its universal simplicity, but I have to wonder, do they know that?

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Who's old enough to remember when Taylor Swift recirculated the famous Madeleine Albright quote (which she attributed to Katie Couric): "There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women." But where's the place for women who intend to help other women (and will always defend a woman's right to be mediocre in front of men) yet refuse to laugh at a joke they don't find funny solely because a woman told it? And where is the line drawn for those whose pursuit of humor produces stumble after stumble before a community gets hurt? I'd imagine the comedians in the room would take this moment to scream how their craft needs room for growing pains, and I agree. But maybe the length of slack on your rope is determined by how close you are to objective greatness, not how many of your fans think you're great.

I love women and genuinely believe that, as a unit, we are innately funnier than men because humor is one of many tools we’ve had to master to tackle the patriarchal world we were born into. For the record, I'd take Hannah and Paige over their male tethereds any day. But that doesn't mean I'm going to applaud their digestible commodification of pro-feminist womanhood (if feminism is just yelling something like girls rule boys drool). I'd advise the diehard Gigglers to perhaps stop publicly demanding that these very white women get a pass for their future blunders solely because they find Hannah and Paige funnier than anything else going on in their group chat.

UPDATE: Hannah Berners’ (Underwhelming And Expected) Apology Is in:

After publication, on March 6, 2025, Hannah took to a very serious Instagram Story to set the record straight. She’s sorry and appreciative!

As a romantic comedy historienne, I’m well versed in the hunky dream men of Christmas cinematic lore, from the irresistible cheeky chappy (Vince Vaughn in Four Christmases) to the lowkey insufferable mama’s boy (public enemy #1, Everett Stone, in The Family Stone). But this year (the last year we the people were allowed to pretend for even a second that men as a whole aren’t the entire problem) highlighted now more than ever that Jude Law’s character in The Holiday may have been the last high-quality 10/10 man who brought something to the table.

As someone who has viewed The Holiday enough times to have Kate Winslet’s sushi order memorized, something about the way Jude Law reluctantly grumbles “Yes, I am daddy” hit differently this year. Surely, Jude understood he stirred the loins of the international female audience everywhere so deeply that he was unleashing a weapon of mass seduction? I guess his four baby mothers and seven kids would be evidence of yes. But as someone who silently tried to risk it all for Sir Jude despite the fact that I was dressed like a butler at the time, I can say with the honesty required of Christmas, I literally cannot blame them.

Ho ho hoes, let us gather ‘round, and appreciate the reasons Graham of Rosehill is a true Christmas miracle.

1. Graham is stupid hot

I mean, we’ve got to start somewhere right? When he stumbles drunkenly into Iris’ idyllic wooden cottage door, never forget Cameron Diaz’ tightass character Amanda Woods found Graham so insanely hot that she cancelled an international flight. The blue eyes, the boyish curls, the stupid little dimples that should be illegal. Y’all (the internet) told me I simply had to watch Tell Me Lies, and the only thing that show taught me is that the arc of justice has bent oh so far away from Hollywood’s once impossible beauty standard, at least as it pertains to men.

2. Graham supports other women

From his girlboss mommy to his talented sister, Graham is a hashtag ally in a far more effective way than the dudes itching to tell us they voted for Kamala just by treating Amanda like a nuanced human being as opposed to his vacation plaything. He respects his mama bear for being an independent queen when they were growing up (he never even mentions his old man, mind you), he looks up to his little sister Irish, and he takes pride in caring for his two little princesses who have brushed hair and cute outfits, all before YouTube tutorials for girl dads were a thing.

3. Graham is a consent king

Times have gotten so dark that we have to applaud this singular line: “Call me old fashioned, but I don't believe it to be appropriate to have sex with a woman who is unconscious.” for obvious reasons.

4. Graham paid for all their dates

Graham invites Amanda to the pub, the adorable fine dining lunch in the gardens, and a catered NYE event at his very posh apartment, all without asking ever daring her to go halfsies. How do I know this? Amanda was such an unfiltered bitch she would’ve called him poor to his face during her list of reasons they shouldn’t be together. There’s no way she didn’t remain marked safe from brokies. Funny how courting is conveniently the one thing patriarchy gave up control of without a fight.

5. Graham is emotionally intelligent

The unabashed “I love you” (followed by not getting mad when she doesn’t say it back), the demure tears, the not introducing his daughters to his latest slay of the week out of precaution for their innocence. Graham is miles ahead of the men on Hinge who boast about their being in “therapy” (as if addressing mental illnesses is a flex, like an expensive car). Graham is the type of guy who did the therapy, preferred drinking about it instead, but always made sure to hire a reliable nanny to watch his girls and jump right back into daddy mode, even hungover. Daddy of the year, indeed.

The most important couple in all of the United Kingdom and its remaining colonized empire (yes I’m counting the man with the receding hairline and the woman with the best head of hair that country’s ever seen) has SPLIT as The Daily Mail would (and did) put it. Molly Mae, she of blonde extention-ed and secret fart fame announced on Instagram things with her fiance and baby daddy Tommy Fury were o-v-a-h over. Don’t let my defense mechanism of a flippant tone fool you. I’m genuinely saddened by this news. Are they my favorite couple from Love Island? No, not when Alex and Olivia still live and breathe. But are they the couple that most made me believe in love? Also no, not when Camilla and Jamie are literally right there. But they ARE two people who alone had the potential to be very annoying (Molly was a wee bit self-involved, and Tommy honestly just looked like trouble because of his jaw-line) who together were actually simply perfect. They fit like a glove. They were evidence that even in a hopeless place like reality television you could find your person. When she ran into his arms after he stayed faithful during Casa Amor? 1% of the female existence was healed that day. And now…this. Let’s take a critical read between the lines of Molly Mae and Tommy’s seemingly conflicting breakup statements.

Molly's word choice in her statement on their split seems to kinda sorta definitely imply that something shocking and out of her control caused the breakup (aLleGgEdLy). She starts out with a hard-hitting "Never in a million years did I ever think I'd have to write this." Ummm speaking for everyone when I say, same queen. This sentence alone is truly already groundbreaking considering most celebs run with the sugarcoated conscious uncoupling lite ~nothing to see here~ vibe these days to keep the peace. But Molly Mae wants the world to intuit her fury.

Molly goes on to write (on serious-shit-only black screen, mind you) that she is "extremely upset" that her "relationship has come to an end." Careful choice of passive voice here, no? One could determine that she hinting she’s not saddened about a hard but necessary mutual decision, but rather her relationship has ended and now she has to deal with it. I wonder what action a woman could find out about that would force her to call off an engagement with the father of her child that Reddit has been talking about since last August? After that, the bulk of Molly’s statement mentions being grateful for their daughter Bambi and thanks the fans for their support, giving no direct commendation to her five-year relationship with the former LOHL. If you’re just consuming the words in their raw form, it seems objective to say Molly is very unhappy about the breakup. If you’re a kid who got overly excited by middle school English comprehension exercises, you’re probably picking up on the subtle and yet wildly potent scorned woman energy she is planting here.

Meanwhile, Tommy wrote he and Molly "chose" to end their relationship and that he's grateful to Molly for making him a dad. (Not for nothing, he also posted second which means Miss Molly might have intentionally got the jump on him.) He echoes the sentiment that their baby girl Bambi is his priority. I was one of a silent yet proud handful of people who watched the Fury family series on Netflix (honestly, it was good) and it is at least very comforting that Bambi is in good hands with the loud cast of characters Tommy calls home. Then, the sweet lad asks for privacy. Oh, Tommy. That almost rhetorical request feels so far out of reach when we the people are already worried a boxing match of accountability may be next on your schedule from two Instagram Story slides alone.

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Summer House gang there seems to be some startling news: CEO and founder Danielle Olivera is exiting the building! This actually isn't news at all if you saw this coming a mile away, which, ummm, I did (prayed for, manifested, and put in print, actually). Danielle's abysmal performance at the Summer House season 8 reunion (and the season as a whole) certainly didn't help the prior season’s polarizing Single Latina Female legacy. She spent her few moments in the hot seat trying to explain why her planting a blind item about Craig getting too drunk at Kyle and Amanda's wedding and letting someone else take the blame for it for over a year somehow added up to Lindsay being the bad friend. The math was simply not mathing, as it often doesn't for Danielle. Remember when she tried to bully Gabby into shooting her shot with Balloon Guy all while planning to have a Rated R balloon-twisting session with him later that night? Or even better when she scream cried into a pillow at Carl’s mere mention of proposing and then threw a temper tantrum when he didn't include her in advance for said proposal? Agreeing with Paige is against my code of conduct as a woman who doesn’t unironically watch Amazon Lives for fashion advice, but when she called Danielle "nutty" she struck a chord with this writer right here. That being said, let's still give the sometimes cast member a proper send-off.

Danielle let the Bravoverse know with the most Danielle two-slide statement ever that she is “choosing” to depart Summer House ahead of season 9. She starts by saying hello to her "sweet loves" (I’m going to have to assume that's us) to share that she's "come to the heartbreaking decision to not return as a full time cast member on the upcoming season of Summer House." This announcement rings as particularly chuckle-worthy considering Danielle is presenting this as a choice all her own, and not one the entire internet made together in every single one of Bravo's comment sections including this one right here. Also, note how she carefully leaves the door open to casually appear as a guest star by dropping "full time" instead of saying she’s gone full stop. The lack of dignity…it’s in a way as inspiring as it is concerning.

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Danielle goes on to write that she put a "tremendous amount of thought" into this but she needs to "protect and prioritize the things that matter most" which is apparently her app Donne which last I checked had one singular review in the App Store and it’s unfortunately not the most pos recount in the world.

The best (worst) part of it all is when she lovingly signs the note "Dani Girl.” Have we ever heard any of Danielle’s cast mates refer to Danielle as “Dani Girl” ever, even once? No, no we have not. It’s so Happy Girls Are The Prettiest coded that I couldn’t breathe from wheezing so hard the first read it. Honestly, Danielle, you will be missed. Much like when you rediscover that one Abercrombie graphic tee you wore into the ground throughout middle school and have so much fun reliving the memory you force it onto your adult body for a laugh until two minutes in you’re so mortified you once wore it without an ounce of self-awareness that immediate physical and mental claustrophobia envelops your entire body to the point of crippling discomfort so you throw the shirt into a dark corner never to be seen again until another ten yeard passes…you will be missed.

Deconstructing the implosion of RHONY is, of course, a far more complicated exercise than that. In fact, by the looks of what the former BStrong philanthropist has morphed into, things may have actually crashed and burned harder had she stayed. But, fortunately or unfortunately, we’ll never know. Bravo ripped us out of the safety net of the OG’s iconic dynamic, with a little bit of Cool Carole and Richard’s Dorinda, as a treat. Decades-long fans were dumped into the cold, fishnetted lap of a very loud white woman twenty years their junior, where producers evidently hoped the cast’s communal jig on the line of alcohol abuse in various locations across the tri-state area would suffice. 

After a couple tumultuous seasons of fertility shaming, concerning cocktail recipes, and a Black history themed role-playing dinner party……the show finally broke. Season thirteen faded into darkness without even one part of a reunion and, now, finally, the light has returned and all is right in the world. The Real Housewives of New York City is back, baby, and in a very big way. The entirely revamped cast is funny, fresh, organically diverse, and most importantly of all — women we want to gossip with (or about) 2.5 martinis deep on a school night. To celebrate these courageous women going where no Real Housewife has gone before in braving a total series reboot, let’s revel in season fourteen’s best one-liners, shady reads, and clapbacks so far.

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BRYNN

Brynn has the plucky spirit of a Disney princess with the added hutzpah of a girl who’s been through some shit. Zero surprise she’s become for an overnight sensation within the Bravoverse (and Abe’s dreams).

JENNA

Jenna Lyons has first-name-last-name-six-foot-big-dick-energy and subtly uses such to give a masterclass in wealth whispers every epiosde, from the first very first. Fashion legends don’t fly coach. They just don’t!

ERIN

A lot of labels have been thrown at Erin since the show launched, but the best one is New Yorker. She’s the tough broad every cast needs.

UBAH

Ubah is spicy like her hot sauce 100% of the time, and for that we are BLESSED.

JESSEL

Jessel is unintentionally the funniest person on this show. Her special blend of naivate and haughtiness is as unique as her voyaging British accent, not to mention the perfect recipe for a housewife. Jessel, if you’re reading this in a feathered caftan at 1PM EST —never change!

SAI

A girl who knows how to keep my bloodsugar stable is one I’d trust with my life. Sai’s constant snark feeds my soul more than pigs in a blanket ever could.

Season 4 of Love is Blind has had plenty of jaw dropping offenses spearheaded by many of this year's contestants. Besides the controversy caused by the pure unadulterated evil that was Irina’s behaviour (and Micah too if we’re being honest, but that’s another conversation), the world has unanimously crowned one man as this season’s final boss of awful: Kwame. 

Kwame had already inundated viewers with a laundry list of offenses before the most recent episode release. He dropped some genuinely problematic slash concerning commentary that made people question his relationship to his own Blackness by admitting he almost didn’t go by his legal government name, as it would’ve put him in a “very specific area” (and by “area” he meant a black area). There’s also been some comparatively harmless yet soul-crushingly awkward material, in the form of his improved call and repeat song with his now fiance Chelsea entitled “I Just Want the Real Thang” before he proposed. The fact that she was touched by the song, rather than knocked into a stress induced coma, is the best evidence yet they’re meant to be together.  

But nothing truly blew my mind more than a moment in Episode 7, when Kwame introduces Chelsea to yet another non-existent relationship problem, in his crime scene of an apartment (I’m sorry Chels, but “bachelor pad” usually means more TVs than dinner plates, not enough heaps of filth covering the floor to consider it a hazardous waste area). We find the couple in the corner near one of Kwame’s many dead plants when Kwame brings up, out of nowhere, that his mom hasn’t been taking his phone calls. He says maybe she’s ignoring him but maybe she’s also just not picking up (is that not the same thing?) but either way they haven’t been in touch, which is highly irregular for their dynamic, so he’s not sure if she knows he’s engaged or not. Now unless Mama K has advance access to the Netflix cutting room floor, she obviously doesn’t know for sure right? Anyway, according to Kwame, if she does know she may be totally pissed about the engagement but she also may be totally chill! And that brilliant encouragement for some reason convinces Chelsea she should join said call to meet his mom for the first time. Even Kwame is dumbfounded that Chelsea wants to talk to her, and says he’s got to do this alone. So, seconds later she walks out of the room. And here’s where the mystery begins…

Kwame (allegedly) calls his mom on speaker. We do hear the phone ring and see the screen light up but there is no confirmation on who was called and that a human being ever actually picked up. His first words are “do you have a second to talk?” A little bit of an estranged tone for someone who claims they talk to their mom all the time, but fine. Maybe that was his way of asking if she was okay with being recorded. He then goes on to explain that he “just wanted to let her know” that he “did take the step forward” to ask his fiance “for her hand in marriage” through the experiment. He says this with all the enthusiasm of an airline employee too many hours deep into their call center shift and the verbal distancing of Bill Clinton dodging bullets about “that woman,” Monica Lewinsky. There is literally zero variation in his vocal intonation, you know the way human beings tend to speak to other human beings, especially ones that matter to them a lot. And in response we hear…literally nothing. 

His “mom”, the supposed voice on the other end of the line, has seemingly been edited out of the episode. A somewhat obvious explanation comes to mind quite quickly: maybe she wouldn’t sign a release to be on TV? This still doesn’t really add up in the end but, we’ll get there. 

The phantom voice has some kind of heated reaction (that Chelsea sitting just feet away in the other room somehow cannot hear) to which Kwame — the first generation American son of African parents — replies “you’re mad?” It’s so casual that it feels culturally disrespectful, as well as almost serial-killer-esque, when you really think about it. Who has that level of calm when dealing with their one and only mother not approving of their biggest life decision to date? This is especially strange given how fired up he was that Chelsea’s dad would possibly not accept him a mere 30 minutes of episode time ago. 

Kwame goes on to give the most bizarre speech at his mom in a tone I cannot comprehend using for African parents, Black parents, loved ones in general, or frankly any living breathing human person you’ve met before: “Alright mom. I appreciate your honesty as usual” (hard to decipher if that’s sarcasm or if his bizarre tone suddenly totally devoid of inherent human compassion is at play again), followed by “it’s a tough situation for a mom to walk into things like this, you know, I don’t disagree with you.” 

He ends the call with his beloved Ghanaian mother to whom he hasn’t spoken to in weeks and presumably misses dearly by saying he respects her firm decision (that she concisely summed up in a matter of minutes, I guess, because Chelsea nor Kwame have moved an inch since the call began) but does bother to add he “thinks we should talk about this again sometime”. Ended with a simple “bye.”

He then walks in to find a despondent Chelsea and lacklusterly sighs “didn’t go well.” His mom — a MASSIVE part of his life but not one worthy of greeting properly or spending more than a few minutes on the phone with — expects more from him. She, as a MOTHER (in case Kwame her SON might have forgotten she is one) doesn’t think he used his head and can’t say she’s happy for him, which for some reason causes Kwame to break down into a momentary fit of giggles. He sums it all up as “a little tough to hear”. Chelsea quickly confirms in not serial killer terms that yes, it is, in fact, heartbreaking.

Now, this is where it gets really interesting. He senses Chelsea’s upset tone and says he did in fact stand up to his mom. He claims to have told her that he believes in his decision making ability and his choice to enter this process regardless of whether it was successful or not, but confirms he does believe he made the right decision. All things we absolutely did NOT hear 15 seconds ago when he was on the phone??? Finally this torturous scene comes to an end as Chelsea hugs her man whose eyes dart around over her shoulder, like a rabbit caught in a trap.

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Ummmmm…..so….no. Let’s start from the beginning. Even if Kwame’s mother wouldn’t agree to be recorded the producers usually will (and have on plenty of reality shows) allow for a pretty innocuous hello/goodbye so the audience can be aware someone is there. Even if we’re not allowed to hear the words, why not the muffled yelling we assume happened if she was so upset by this presumably shocking news? And why couldn’t Chelsea hear anything she said, if she was in fact on speaker? The door was wide open and there were no airpods in sight. 

Secondly, and the biggest elephant in the room, the way Kwame spoke. As already astutely noted, I do not know anyone who would speak to their parents so nonchalantly about such a serious subject, especially after weeks of not speaking at all while under Netflix’s lock and key. Kwame is in his normal wordsmith/politician mode, which I assumed would falter to some degree when speaking to his own mother. But instead he’s all “I completely understand and let’s circle back in a few weeks to rectify this conundrum post haste, I’ll have my assistant reach out!” the same strange autopilot he employed when Micah kicked his behind to the curb. He also repeatedly uses the phrase “as a mother” but then later says his mom also expressed her disappointment “as a mother”. Extremely odd language repetition especially given the potential language barrier, that if my narc dating/relationships pods have taught me anything, is a common slip up for manipulators playing different personas. 

Finally, his emotional state. Even if he was trying to put on a brave (borderline sociopathic) face for his bride to be, why did he break down in laughter whilst regaling her of his mother’s harshest criticisms? Kwame’s clunky fake laugh is oft employed by him as a coping mechanism in social encounters but this did not seem to be that. This came across as genuine laughter that seemed to slip in mid-sentence, breaking his serious mask, that he flipped back on abruptly.  

My theories? I guess the conservative option would be that Kwame did in fact call his mother on but she refused to have her voice on screen, and it maybe got too choppy cutting out her end or he took it unmiked entirely, so they decided to have him recreate the phone call from memory to get the essence across. It would be an extremely bizarre solution, rather than just losing the phone call itself and catching us up as he tells Chelsea, but I suppose it’s possible. That could explain why his recounting of the story didn’t align with what we heard. I can’t imagine they came up with that genius plan, filmed it and watched it back, and then had no qualms with how staged Kwame’s delivery came across so let it air, but it’s a decent theory.

More likely iMO? Kwame ALLEGEDLY called someone…we don’t know who…and asked them to pretend to be his mom, later telling Love is Blind producers they couldn’t use that person’s voice. And since that person wasn’t his biological mother being confronted with life altering news about her child on the spot, and in fact were in on the scheme, they didn’t have a lot to contribute. I wish Kwame had been hubris enough to keep his potential co-conspirator in, tbh. If they were any bit as good as an actor as he is, we would’ve been in for a deliciously bonkers treat.

Even crazier speculation would be that he initially called someone and then sneaky hung. I just don’t see how the field producers wouldn’t catch that he was purely talking to himself given the production of it all, even though that’s exactly what it instinctively sounded like to most viewers. 

I have a feeling reunion Kwame isn’t going to give us honest answers on most things let alone this, but it feels safe to say his reassurance to Chelsea that “it’s only uphill from here” is markedly far from the truth. I personally cannot wait until tomorrow for the next batch of episodes to find out. 

Rachel, as I’ll henceforth be referring to DJ Jame’s Kennedy’s ex, as I’m not entirely convinced she just forgot how to spell her own name after primary school and stumbled upon “Raquel”, released a lackluster apology in which she expressed deep regrets for leading a secret torrid affair with her best friend’s common-law husband in plain sight. 

Although anything either of the offenders put out was bound to be scrutinized to the highest degree, it seems these cheaters don’t have a way with words, just like they don’t with fidelity or basic human decency! Let’s break it down line by line.

Starting off strong with the Instagram caption Rachel uploaded said apology with. “I’m sorry [puppy eyes emoji] [broken heart emoji]”.  Is this bitch serious? The I’m a wittle innocent baby do you love me emoji??? Seriously?? And the use of the broken heart. Much like a boomer not knowing what to post when their high school buddy from 30 years ago shares an obituary on their Facebook status, Rachel doesn’t grasp that broken hearts are for IRONIC and LOW LEVEL tragedies, like dropping half of your sandwich on the ground in a commuter claw struggle. Not biblical level betrayal.

Now, into the apology itself. 

“I want to apologize for my actions and my choices to Ariana, my friends and the fans so invested our relationships” — I’m sorry, do I detect a bit of shade? Sure people are so invested in “your” relationships (mostly Tom and Ariana’s in this case and even when she was with James it was more of a James oriented activity) because as reality tv cast members, you’ve offered up your relationships as well as your lives on a platter as entertainment for cash in return. She’s doing her job by appearing on a show (that existed long before Bambi Eyes ever waltzed onto the scene, mind you) and viewers make your job possible by tuning in, that’s the exchange. No one is stalking Rachel in her day to day jaunts around Los Angeles, dying for the inside scoop on where she bought her latest pastel two piece set (answer: Revolve). 

In the next few stanzas Rachel clarifies she’s not a victim (I guess her leaked PR plan, if it was accurate, to present herself as a victim of Tom’s manipulation was wisely nixed) and says she “deeply regrets” hurting Ariana. My issue with this formal language, often used in PR apologies, is it’s so foreign to VPR and especially to Raquel, not exactly known for being a wordsmith. This is not at all even in the realm of being in her voice and an “I’m so so insanely sorry for hurting you Ariana” would have gone a lot further here. 

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In the next paragraph, despite just previously stating that she’s not a victim, Raquel uses victim and mental health language to contextualize her and Sandoval’s brutal, viscous, heartless cheating in her “codependency” and “addiction to being and feeling loved”. I’m certain a psychologist far more qualified than me could qualify Raquel’s behaviour and determine if preconditioned patterns were at play in skewing her judgment, and frankly maybe they were, but even if she was diagnosed with some illness or addiction less ambiguous than a Robert Palmer lyric, that wouldn’t excuse what happened. This would also be an extremely convenient time to let us in on this condition, given she just got out of a complicated and well-documented relationship and this conversation never came up. It comes off as her attempt to use rhetoric similar to, perhaps, a sex addiction e.g. “intimate connections” “that are not healthy” to give defense to the world currently ripping her to shreds, instead of “owning her actions” with “no excuses” as she states. I can take her beautifully worded little ditty about ‘prioritizing that intimate connection over friendships and her own well being’ and reword it into less than eloquent phrasing from the high school handbook: Rachel is a guy’s girl who picks bros over her hoes when she’s feeling insecure for validation, or whatever Brooke Davis would snarl in Peyton’s face. Maybe it’s a pathological condition, or maybe it’s just flawed character. 

Rachel then gets into addressing the cherry on top of this shitcake — Scheana Good as Gold Shee Shu Marie Shay apparently slapped/punched her for messing with her best friend. I will never forget the sound of my jaw hitting the floor when this particular turn in the saga hit the airwaves. I’M NOT SAYING VIOLENCE IS EVER TO BE CELEBRATED BUT…a lot of people will learn the hard way in life that sometimes the consequences for saying or doing something out of line are physical. While Scheana cannot and will not be publicly applauded for hitting someone else, it’s also fair to say some will appreciate some semblance of karma arriving in a timely fashion, at the hand of one of Ariana’s oldest friends. As the scribes once wrote…fuck around and you just might find out. Also, between us squirrelfriends, a reality TV/Hollywood smack is not the same as a real life smack (legally). I mean just look at Bad Girls’ Club. And while the hypocrisy accountant in me wants everyone who demanded one of the century’s greatest actors be carted off to prison for slapping someone on national TV to similarly boycott Scheana’s mom’s ranch in Azuza, the reality is a bitch slap in front of cameras isn’t the same as an attack by a random assailant. Not saying it hurts any less and again NOT SAYING IT’S GOOD AT ALL, only pointing out it’s just probably less necessary to call in the authorities to deliver justice that’s likely capable of being assessed through group protocol. That being said, I didn’t expect Rachel to say anything less than she was assaulted, “beyond her actions,” which is true in the sense that the assault wasn’t her hitting herself but not true in the sense that her actions did in fact serve as the reason she got rocked by a fellow castmate.

She continues that she lost friends (which she wholly deserves because of her actions), got death threats (from crazy people whose evident lack of sanity should deem them irrelevant) and got hate mail (that’s show business baby). Are we supposed to feel sorry that people had a negative reaction outside of  those directly involved? That is how the world works with or without Bravo to put your dirty laundry on a platform.

Finally she wants to assure us that counseling is already in place to combat her “unhealthy behavioral cycle” and “lack of boundaries”. While therapy is always a good idea, I feel Iike anyone newly in therapy and taking it seriously would be advised to not release definitive statements labeling the root of their psychology so swiftly? She uses the word health four times in the last paragraph not including synonyms. The way she pairs “unhealthiness” with her and Tom’s affair does not sit well with me. Maybe we’ll learn more about her mental state that sheds further light, but as it stands now, she entered, encouraged, and covered up this affair with the amount of commitment that requires a clear head. If I was relayed this story by a friend, I wouldn’t be screaming “get those assholes a 5150 pronto they must be clinically insAaAaaAaNe”. I would say, they need to take accountability, stand in their truth, and as Kristen the Terrible said, probably move home so they can learn from their mistakes with time, as we all must in life with or without caveats. You’ve failed this round of life, give it a beat, and you can circle back. Worth mentioning she saw Tom, on and off camera, and they allegedly kissed in the scene they filmed (we’ll find out). Doesn’t seem like a bewildered girl lost in her own unhealthy patterns who can’t see up. Seems like a cheater who got caught….(and turned to Entertainment Tonight).

As I finish writing this piece, I see Sandoval has finally released his much anticipated second statement, as a follow up to his doozy of a post telling fans to please keep buying shots at TomTom because Schwartz has a mortgage and divorce to pay for too. Sandoval is, if it is possible, worse than Raquel in all of this. Thus I will surely circle back tomorrow for a take two to unpack his notes app post, to honor my strict journalistic integrity, ofc.

In the boisterous and now increasingly criminal history of Bravo, kindness and humility have never been high on the list of traits that secure hungry starlets with marble flooring to pay for a coveted spot on concurring seasons. To put it plainly, Bravo is run by bitches, or whatever Tina Fey said. And watching a bitch get shit done — say Stassi backhanding her lying, cheating best friend in front of their entire social circle — is serotonin-producing and frankly character-building for women everywhere. It was a bitch slap.

But a bitch slap in the name of justice.

But recently, there’s been a struggle between the bravolebs and the fans that keep them in their leased G-Wagons over accepting which antics are considered enjoyable versus just plain evil. The metaphorical jumping of Denise Richards by a gang of pre-menopausal bitches who clearly needed a more interesting sex life themselves, the fertility related low-blows that made us flinch every time Dorinda Medley (famously quoted in her first season saying she didn’t want the show to bring out a ‘darkness’ in her…welp) went off during season 12 of RHONY, convicted felon Jennifer Shah channeling Miranda Priestly and Joe Jackson’s love child upon her then in-house designer Koa while the rest of Shah squad scribbled their last will and testaments in the corner, to name a few.

Maybe it’s the collective societal trauma caused by recent years of being trapped in our homes, subjected to an endless loop of escalating police violence, and perhaps worst of all, being forced to acknowledge Bethenny Frankel’s consciousness is no longer residing in the master timeline of reality here on planet earth. Either way, the unnatural systematic insidiousness certain bravolebs are forcing us to bear witness to without relent, without reason, is causing revolt amongst the fandom.

Together we slayed the sentient botox, lips, and bob that was Lisa Rinna (Justice for Kim Richards, we now know just how right you were), and we can only pray that The Pretty Mess will be next to grab her tape-ins, pack up her casita, and go. But I think our collective ire as keepers of the Bravoverse needs direction elsewhere. The real meanest girls of Bravo are actually on the East Coast, binge drinking in a vacation rental on Andy’s dime, now two times a year. Paige Desorbo, Amanda Batula, and Ciara Miller are getting away with buddy murder.

Just to cover bases here, there’s a firm difference between a girl acting mean, or aggressive, and acting like mean girls. Mean girls are an organization — like the mob. And just like the mob, there’s a hierarchy and a plan of attack with a calculated execution to ensure that plan succeeds. It’s high school when you can’t really remember what that one girl did to make everyone hate her so much, but once it was decided she was out, she became untouchable. Like all the Balenciaga sitting on the Kardashian’s walk in closet floors right now. From the moment Lindsay and Carl entered the Winter House, that is exactly what this very pretty, very pernicious trio set out to achieve.

But let’s back up and address the other odd woman out before Lindsay even arrives. Jess is self-admittedly an insecure guy’s girl, shamelessly too preoccupied with trying to wife a man who thinks throwing a pearl necklace over a gray thermal is giving Harry Styles to put extroverted energy towards seeking out female friendship. But, it’s still equally fair to say that Paige, Amanda, and Ciara aren’t exactly an approachable bunch. Infiltrating any established group of girlfriends can be intimidating, but ones that look like outfit-coordinating models and crawl into each other’s beds to talk shit before every group activity, especially so. Paige herself says that girls *always* think she’s a bitch and don’t like her initially — even though she’s totally not one. In the words of Heather Dubrow to Alexis Bellino, if everyone says you’re dead, lie down. 

Did Jess “run around the house” telling everyone how cliquey Paige and the other girls were, or did she tell two people (her not-boyfriend, and the girl she assumed could be having a similar experience as a newbie) that she was feeling left out? She was then explicitly promised by said newbie, Rachel, that she would talk to the girls for her not run to the girls about her. How was Jess to know Rachel had already defected into group formation?

Instead of throwing an empathetic bone to a girl who desperately needed one, Paige thought it better to screech at Jess from the communal bed that she would “show her a mean girl!” As a child of black parents, I know all too well that the age-old “I’ll give you something to cry about” rhetoric actually means you already have, and you’re merely threatening that it could get much worse.

Amanda effortlessly picks up her leader’s baton when Paige storms out, pretending to ask Jess questions that could help her understand their POV when it’s clear in confessional, Amanda had no intentions of saving their Jorah Mormont from exile. The sweet girl who was once so eager to play peacemaker in the wake of her fiancé making waves tsunamis gave Varys a run for his money with all the whispers she spread around the Winter House about Jess. I’ve rarely seen someone so adept at stirring the pot fly under the radar. 

And while I hesitate to give Paige as much credit as she gifts herself for being “hard” (I went to school with plenty of petite Long Island girlies with Napoleon complexes and the scariest thing about them was the shade of their fake tan) I agree it was a power move, and a completely unmerited one, that achieved nothing but reinforcing the obvious social hierarchy of the house. Not one of the other girls pulled Jess aside one-on-one after Paige caused a scene, because you don’t speak against the family, though I’d hoped Mya might have been brave enough. 

Jess was in luck, though, because with the looming arrival of public enemies number #1 and #2, the First Whiners Club would have to divert their attention to their elaborate campaign to let the world know: LINDSAY HUBBARD CHEATED ON CARL!!! That is if you can even cheat on someone you are not officially dating. Brief pause while I do some deep breathing exercises before unpacking the maddening fuckery ahead with Ronan Farrow-like professionalism.

Before Lindsay and Carl even arrived, it was obvious something was up. Aside from their mere absence allowing for the DeSorbo Cabal to take over the house in such a clean sweep, it appeared the troops had already been briefed with the party line off camera — something shady happened between Lindsay and Austen, and Carl is not going to be happy about it! Ciara says “a grenade” is about to blow the house up, and Amanda keeps lamenting how “awkward” it’s going to be to anyone who will listen before Larl even crosses state lines.

Austen, naturally, was more than happy to water this seed on camera. You know what’s certain to mellow the vibes of a potentially tense situation? Warning anyone within earshot of how uncomfortable they should and no doubt will be in due time. When Amanda later asks Lindsay if anything feels weird to her, Lindsay innocently says not really, because she’s completely unaware of the relentless discourse everyone is having behind her back to discredit her relationship at all costs. 

And what was the cause of this inevitable turmoil, you may ask? According to Austen, on the night of Kyle and Amanda’s wedding that almost didn’t happen, Lindsay “tried” to touch him between the sheets. Three things came to mind immediately upon hearing this.

1) IIRC from the last however many years Austen has been on Southern Charm and even the most recent season of Summer House, Austen is (in addition to being borderline blackout every day of vacation) famously not a man who treats women well or speaks about women fairly. When did I miss the rapid character development that would make him a reliable narrator? 

2) Lindsay has never been the type of girl to try but not do, especially with Austen. We’re supposed to believe, for the first time ever, that he decided to reject her advances? For what, Carl’s sake?

3) This “dick grab” being some kind of unheard of, super secret sex move, that only a masterminded predator like Hubb House could come up with is…bizarre. Are we supposed to be compelled by the brilliant evidence that she touched another man (Jason) that she had sex with’s penis, too? 

Now, let me circle back to the difference between a girl being mean and being a mean girl. Lindsay Hubbard is no saint. We’ve seen plenty of instances on Summer House where she has done something unkind or said something rude to a castmate. But she is, for all her faults, undeniably authentic, and has never needed a clique of minions behind her to get ‘activated’.

Watching Amanda aggressively goad Austen into divulging every little detail while Ciara and Paige lapped up the tea like the Queen on adderall was, indeed, mean girl behaviour. The truth seems to be that their outstanding issues with Lindsay from years past made this the perfect opportunity to embarrass her, besmirch her character, and even dismantle her relationship for sport.

Even though Austen was surely feigning shyness, Amanda certainly didn’t give him an opportunity to stop telling the story for everyone to hear. Why was she so eager to draw out sordid details that, if true, would only embarrass Carl — the friend she says is like a brother and that they once regarded highly enough to officiate their wedding? The easy answer, of course, is that she just wanted him to know the truth, the whole truth, so help her God. Let me then counter with the fact that Luke was the only person to break the full story to the couple’s face after multiple episodes of whisper down the lane. If you’re broken up about delivering bad news to someone you love, you don’t usually gleefully report every development wide, like the village crier. 

The other reason I call bullshit on this being purely about protecting Carl’s integrity is a fun little conversation between Craig, Paige, and Jess in the car. Jess (who objectively has a remarkably similar look to Lindsay) questions the comparison from others in the house on the ride over to the ice rink. Craig says that he would never say that to Jess because it is not a compliment, and Paige laughs in agreement that Jess is safe from such cruel affiliation. Without commenting on Craig’s appearance as this blog is too elevated for such low-hanging fruit, a grown man — let alone one who treats beer like a critical group on the food pyramid (oops) — should not be disparaging another woman’s looks, mind you, a woman that is indisputably conventionally attractive and extremely healthy at that.

It says a lot that Paige would find that acceptable and even amusing, like the head cheerleader laughing at the quarterback’s off-color jokes to make him happy. And why the predetermined distaste for Hubbs from Jess? Because she’s likely heard enough pointed commentary about Lindsay from the others in advance to use this bit of ammo to contribute to the hivemind for points, too. Dunk on the lowest on the totem pole whenever you can, high school 101.

Onto the most critical point I feel legally and morally bound to bestow upon you, one that I would have hired a skywriter to paint across the whole of New York City if I had the funds: Lindsay and Carl never said they were official or exclusive at Amanda’s wedding. 

There is a gaping chasm between saying you have feelings for someone and want to give it another shot (Mya’s words) and saying you are in a monogamous relationship with them. Let’s say Lindsay did get drunk, and Austen did get a certain impression of her intentions that night. That does not by any means take away from the validity of her current relationship with Carl, which started weeks later. Instead of believing that answer when asked, Amanda, Paige, and Ciara tell the group it’s more likely that Lindsay and Carl preemptively fabricated a false narrative about the date their relationship began as a defense to an anticipated inquisition. Fan conspiracy theorizing at its best.

I don’t know about you, but I don't know the anniversaries of my friends' relationships. I especially wouldn’t be worried about the perfection of my friend's monogamy if, say, my husband had been allegedly making out with girls every summer prior to our engagement, or if my boyfriend was reported in tabloids for allegedly fraternizingwith a more famous reality star than me when we were talking, maybe. Lest we forget, Craig DID in fact hook up with an old flame in Vegas, aka Naomi former love of his life, in the early stages of his new relationship with Paige, a major plotline on Southern Charm. If Larl did go out of their way to manipulate the punch card of their relationship because they knew their friends would be quick to jump on any flaws in their union, then that speaks volumes about those so-called friends and their empathy, or lack thereof.

In all fairness, some men truly may take issue with their girlfriend being intimate with someone else in the prologue of their story. I’d call those men insecure, but that’s their right. The person who should have a problem with it, if anyone in this scenario, is Carl. So why are Paige, Amanda, and (to a lesser extent, as she is worried about her “face”, in her own words, but realistically is too swamped dealing with her own Austen inanity) Ciara, hellbent on exposing Lindsay’s alleged missteps that have no bearing on their lives whatsoever or what’s been going on in the house thus far? Lindsay and Carl seem happy, sober, and are two grown adults. 

Fine, we get it, Paige would kick Craig’s ass to the curb if he got with an old flame as they started their romance (again, demonstrably false, but a firm enough principle). Maybe Lindsay would reconsider being with Carl if he thought it was fun to vandalize other people’s property and then refuse to clean up the resulting shattered glass or drunkenly wrestle his friends to let off steam. To each their own! I’m not even going to comment on how many women might not accept some of the things Amanda has overcome in her relationship with Kyle, because Paige already handled that last season on Summer House. 

By the time Amanda screams, “Here’s the facts!” at the bar, I wanted to pull my hair out. The only two people who know the facts are the muppet now playing innocent bystander to his gossipy friends’ vengeance and Lindsay Hubbard, who, whether they like it or not, seems extremely unbothered with her man still by her side. And the fact that Carl remained by her side, confident in their relationship despite all the chatter, should have merited a vote of confidence, if not an apology. From all of them, but especially Amanda and his supposed best friend, Kyle.

The fact that Lindsay and Carl did not explode as their haters so obviously wanted them to, even after having just been confronted for clout about how she, as a woman, should have handled the trauma of her own body, is the greatest indicator that, no matter what day they made it official, they are indeed officially a real team. (Not for nothing, if you wait to confront someone about their inconsiderate behaviour regarding the media until you yourself have your own media platform, it is to some degree for clout.)

When the energy Paige, Amanda, Austen, Kyle, Craig, Ciara, and, for some reason, even Rachel to a degree, put towards wanting Lindsay and Carl to snap ultimately resulted in a big fat nothing, a lot of pent-up energy was left on the table. Cue: Rachel’s co-opted speech at dinner.

Rachel had every right to confront Jess about the way Jess’ words triggered her, regardless of Jess’ intentions. What’s relevant here is that it took mere seconds for Paige to turn back to the original weakest link of the house and reestablish dominance. Solving race relations be damned, Paige is here to get all the mean girl mantras off her chest. “I think YOU don’t like ME” has never been said by a single living human being in good faith, and that’s basically in The Bible.

The way she rallies the troops, Jason included, to trample over Rachel’s feelings for a more satisfying feeding on Jess and her naive belief it will work out with Korey (something a kinder person would pity her for) is the type of coup Regina George would be proud of. 

Do I think these girls are, at their core, bad people? No, I don’t, not based on 44 minutes of chaos for a few weeks. Do I think bad faith, calculated, mean girl behaviour makes for bad reality TV? Yes, I do! I don’t want bullies or gang bangs. I want personalities that are big and bad enough to back themselves on good days and bad, and for the love of Go,d for cast members put their strongest efforts towards selling their own stories on TV, not other people’s.

When off-screen campaigns are manipulated into the storyline, it stilts the natural course of the season and insults the intelligence of viewers who are in fact here to watch shit get real. Every Bravo show needs a pot stirrer at one point or another, but there’s a big difference between Ashley Darby repeating what one Potomac queen said about across at the dinner table and Amanda tirelessly pushing a narrative that the two people said narrative revolves around are almost entirely uninvolved in discussing.

It’s especially disheartening to watch when that maliciousness is concealed under the guise of friendship. While seeing any of these girls be put in their place feels highly unlikely to happen on the upcoming season of Summer House, debuting February 13th, I’ll be tuning in (and recapping!) regardless.