If the world is a stage, and life is a ball, March’s category is: girl-on-girl betrayal. I’m not saying that rumor about that Bravolebrity hooking up with her on-screen best friend’s ex-situationship, mere months into her separation, is true (but if it were true, I’d call it the corniest Scandoval ever).

Or that that other rumor about that Mormon Wife dating her best friend’s ex-boyfriend/her other best friend’s ex-swinging partner/and her other other co-worker’s ex-husband is true either (but Miranda is).

I’m DEFINITELY not saying that the allegation that a certain ex-Mormon Housewife’s book cover is mooching off a successful fiction author from across the pond. What I am saying is all of these gossip subjects should be texting the next person in the hot seat a big fat thank you for taking over the public’s limited attention span. (While the producers of Nick Viall’s AGE OF ATTRACTION should be pissed they’ve been out-gagged out of the news cycle so quickly).

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Pop Culture News Of The Week

Andy Cohen vs. Sarah Michelle Gellar: A Battle Of The Gay Icons

Not now, Andy, don’t make the stans choose when SMG already has the entire girl and gay army armed and ready after the unfathomable BUFFY red light! I’ve been an SMG super fan since IKWYDLS, and through every immaculately selected role she’s ever taken, it’s clear SMG is a bitch (I say that with the utmost respect as a card-carrying one myself).

But now we know SMG is the type of bitch who shades our beloved Andy Cohen’s favorite show (RHOBH) to his face and then calls it BOOOORING behind his back in his studio. Sarah made it clear she’d never join BEVERLY HILLS for being too boring herself, but I have a deep intuition she knows deep down she’s the only woman in Hollywood who could slash Kyle Richards evil empire in two, and as Kyle’s biggest hype girl, Andy would never allow it.

Prayers Up For Chappell Roan’s Not Body Guard

The bodyguard who was stepping in to protect Chappell Roan, but is not Chapell Roan’s official bodyguard, released a statement that sounds about as relaxed as drag. Mr. Guard kicks off his IG story apology by clarifying he was “at the hotel on behalf of another individual” and “not part of the personal security team of Chappell Roan,” for whom he still inexplicably overreacted with “good intentions.” I’m not even going to get into how much sense, or not, the over-zealous guard narrative makes, and will instead launch a plea.

Can any of the ultra-famous stars who have flown under the radar before Ms. Roan’s reign help a girl out with some tips on anonymity?! I know Chappell’s star rose at light speed, but surely, if the Olsen twins can get a baguette in Paris, or Billie Eilish can fly commercial, Chappell can maintain the privacy she seeks.

Amanda Frances and Davina from SELLING SUNSET’S beef

@davinapotratz#amandafrances #greenscreen #sellingsunset #rhobh

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RHOBH is kind of boring, but Amanda Frances certainly is not. That’s why I’m shocked I didn’t recognize her trademark run-on sentence cadence and blank blink from her season 4 SELLING SUNSET appearance, where she was beefing with Davina (remember her? noooo, come on, try).

Never one to reject a shred of relevance, Davina’s tell-all TikTok (that reveals nothing new) proves the Money Queen’s superpower for triggering her fellow girl bosses for out-gastlight-gatekeeping them is indiscriminate to age demo.

What relationship does Jamie Lee Curtis have to Jessica Fletcher?

I can say with the utmost confidence that I’m in the top 1% worldwide viewership of MURDER SHE WROTE. If I had a TV wrapped, my Roku would’ve played a video of Dame Angela Lansbury on Broadway as my stan gift. Jessica Fletcher is my comfort detective, fictional grandma, 80s fashion muse, and owner of the poised audacity that keeps the world turning. It is with this authority that I feel comfortable asking: Who the hell does Jamie Lee Curtis know in Cabot Cove, Maine? If she can’t name every one J.B.’s nieces and nephews off the top of her head, I don’t want it.

Reality TV Recap Corner: AGE OF ATTRACTION, SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY

Nick Viall’s new show gave me the ick

When 23-year-old Pfeifer giggled to camera, “What I don’t know can’t hurt me!” I wanted to scream at the TV, “Actually, that’s not true, Ellen!” AGE OF ATTRACTION is basically LOVE IS BLIND except the only thing they’re not allowed to know is their potential partner’s age. The show is hosted by the omnipresent Nick Viall, and his 18 years younger wife, Natalie Joy, but was created by two female producers who believe “the culture is celebrating [age gap dating] in a different way.” But I’m not sure that’s true.

Maybe it’s because I live in a borderline misandrist bubble online, but the vibe around relationships with age differences that could qualify for a high school diploma is nose-wrinkling at best. After binging the show, I racked my brain as to why almost all of its couples bothered me, considering every single person consented with ironclad TV studio contracts.

Sure, *eye* find it unbecoming that Pfeifer said she had no trouble relating to her 43-year-old Derrick (because shouldn’t there be a gap of depth between a recent college graduate and a divorced father of a teenager, regardless of the lack of smile lines on his pretty visage)? But the fact is, Pfeifer doesn’t.

It’s easy to understand why anyone would be wary of a 38-year-old man happening to find an age-defying connection with his exact type (a blonde 22-year-old) in the real world, where an older guy swindling a younger woman without frontal lobe development into needing them is a tale as old as time. But Taylor Swift-loving Libby was fully aware of what she was signing up for, as well as Andrew’s situation. So who are we to reject Libby’s agency?

After much mental tussling, I think it comes down to the fact that guys like Andrew come off to women who have seen some shit as energy vampires, more than knights in shining armor. His desire to feed off Libby’s free spirit is something Andrew expresses over and over as why he’s so attracted to her. So even if Libby is okay with lending her bubbly innocence to a dude who wants to siphon it down like the fountain of youth, our knee-jerk reaction is to lament her sacrifice, like when Elena chose eternal damnation for Damon in THE VAMPIRE DIARIES. Andrew’s female peers may have been unjaded, like Libby, before having to deal with a baby daddy who likes to party for half a decade. And you can’t get that energy back. Ask Brittany Cartwright, who only recently repossessed the ~sparkle~ she let Jax put on layaway in 2019.

27-year-old John spent the entire process essentially consoling 54-year-old Theresa that society wouldn’t crucify her for being a cougar. The judgment Theresa felt couldn’t be tamed because it was being projected from Theresa herself. Factually, Theresa couldn’t rob a cradle that offered itself up to her willingly, but it’s clear she felt the guilt of cheating the system.

Both sides of an age gap relationship appear to outsiders as objectively taking an unorthodox shortcut to happiness, and in our (alleged) meritocracy, this rubs rule followers the wrong way. One of the 27-year-old studs, Tristan, summed up the essence of age-mismatched desire well: “The first time I saw Kim Zolciak in a church parking lot, I was like, damn, that’s everything I want. A 35-year-old busty blonde in a Bentley.” Other than being thrilled for KZB to catch a W instead of her usual stray, I was struck by how his origin story unintentionally calls out the heart of what triggers age gap aversion.

Both parties, young and old, are openly living out a fantasy that depends on rejecting certain realities to thrive. This was my ultimate qualm with the format: there is no reality where Andrew, Theresa, and Derrick exist without the life experiences that are inextricably linked to their age. By tabling age, they built relationships based on a version of themselves (and their partner’s ignorance) that is not real. And, call it righteous, call it bitter, or call it calling a spade a spade, for everyone else living in reality, that just seems overly juvenile.

Emmy’s SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY microaggression

On episode 4 of SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY, Emmy freaks out that she’s been accused of uttering a microaggression. Her shock would be moderately more understandable if she hadn’t already been accused of this last week. So the producers, cheeky lads that they are, asked Emmy to define the term she was offended into rage screams by.

Emmy replied that it’s when someone makes a “subjective statement,” but it’s more about “someone you don’t know.” So, that’s reality TV for a stereotype! Someone get this girlie access to MW, who defines a microaggression as “a comment or action that subtly and often unconsciously or unintentionally expresses a prejudiced attitude toward a member of a marginalized group (such as a racial minority)” before her pop quiz with Andy.

Calling Brad scary and unsafe fits the bill to a tee. Emmy, if you’re reading this, the answer to “is it too late to apologize” is no!!

Coming down from the Oscars high ain’t easy, just ask Club Chalamet. Though the Academy didn’t deliver a SINNERS sweep, the best film of the year’s meaningful wins felt like when the Eagles beat the Chiefs in the Super Bowl, when Biden squeaked through in 2020, when MOONLIGHT gagged the Oscars stage unforgettably in 2017. When the world is a mess, these accolades can seem trivial, but I’d like to argue that the little bit of free goodwill we get through the arts goes further. Hoorah for SINNERS making the whole internet smile, and that naturally includes incredible footage of Tom Cruise and Michael B. Jordan.

Pop Culture News Of The Week

Tom Cruise gives fighter jet hugs

Say what you want about Tom Cruise (and there’s a lot to say!) but his film persona is thee modern movie star. This video of him embracing Michael B. Jordan, like one of the few 1940s housewives in a happy marriage about to send her husband off to the world war, has been making the rounds. It’s clear Tom (like every other breathing being) loves Michael, and his vice grip perhaps shares his answer to Variety’s question about who will lead the next generation of leading men. Now, the trades are saying Tom is considering cruising into the villain role in the latest MIAMI VICE remake with MBJ and AB (Austin Butler). My dream date, cute!

Is Marlo Hampton dating Tyler Perry?

An AI photo of RHOA’s Marlo Hampton kissing Tyler Perry is going around but the craziest part is there are real photos of Marlo and Tyler looking cozy at the event (just not kissing). This is confusing for many rumored reasons, including trying to deduce where these two would’ve crossed paths in the A. Did she visit one of the ex-wives on a Tyler Perry Productions set? Did he stop by La’Archive for a suit for an Oscars watch party? Is he considering casting her on the season of SISTAS? Sounds like high time for a Marlo return to WWHL, to me.

Club Chalamet dumped Timmy for Connor Storrie

In the weeks leading up to MARTY SUPREME’S Oscars ice out, it’s been apparent Club Chalamet has straying eyes from her namesake, Timothée. On March 6, Simone Cromer was standing by her man, tweeting in defiance of the “smear campaign” against Timothée. But then, on Oscars day itself, CC replied three big words (”I feel seen”) over a tweet about seeing someone’s true colors, implying Timothée’s aren’t good. It doesn’t look like she’s mentioned Timmy’s name on her feed since, and instead has praised MBJ’s win to the high heavens and thirsted relentlessly over Connor, starting a private page dedicated to the HEATED RIVALRY star. Are Club Chalamet and Chalamet of Club dunzo? I think Timothée would miss her next press season, TBH.

A strange man proposed to Keke Palmer

Is this the ultimate climax of the male lonliness epidemic and parasocial stan activity coming? Possibly! Men will do the most unsettling, illogical, attention seeking thing on planet earth and then be like, “wasn’t that flattering!” Besides, if someone is going to surprise propose to me they better surprise have a ring a lot bigger than that.

Jennifer Lopez took KISS OF THE SPIDERWOMAN Soooo Seriously

Don’t you love when you watch a movie and you can just tell everyone involved thought this was going to really go there? Jennifer Lopez doesn’t miss a pointed toe or serious shimmy (though the same can’t be said of her key range) while theatre-kidding her ass off in KISS OF THE SPIDERWOMAN. It’s the type of performance that lets me know she watched Madonna’s EVITA and Renee’s CHICAGO on a loop leading up to filming, but was never cast as the lead in the Bronx high school musicals. Beautiful gowns, beautiful dresses, though.

Labrinth is beefing with Sam Levinson and Columbia Records

Factually, Labrinth called out EUPHORIA, not Sam, but I’m sure if you ask the auteur, same thing. Labrinth followed up his loud exit with more condemnation of the music industry’s turning artists into thieves of the night, which could allegedly imply he felt replaced by another musician for the upcoming season. I find it hard to believe anyone can make Levinson’s hormonal trauma dump have meaning like Labrinth’s beats.

Steve Carell’s new show ROOSTER has bangers

Even though ROOSTER is more earnest than knee-slapping, the show has serious bangers, and surprisingly, they’re mostly not delivered by Steve Carell. Steve breezily plays a warm-hearted, ill-spoken straight man to most of the outrageous jokes dropped by academia caricatures. I’m going to keep watching just to add gems like, “It may not be factually true, but the spirit of it is,” uttered by John C. McGinley to my mental library.

Bite-Sized Bravo Recap Corner

LADIES OF LONDON: Who the hell is Lady Martha Sitwell?

When I learned Bravo was launching THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF LONDON and reviving LADIES OF LONDON simultaneously, the move seemed gratuitous (especially in an era where the network is so apparently pinched for pennies they’re pausing real fans’ favorites). But delightfully, the entire cast of NEW REIGN brings reality TV gold. Even Dara Huang, who is definitely not a madame, and who quit the show episode one by quietly declaring, “Cut. Cut.”

Yet none of the cast compares to the tornado of high society chaos that is Martha Sitwell. Bravo Insider summarizes her life as so: “Martha Sitwell rose from homelessness to high fashion before facing financial ruin after a painful divorce from a baronet” and after the first four episodes of NEW REIGN, I’m stunned to say that is the tip of the iceberg.

So far, we’ve learned Martha was born into wealth of a food entrepreneur and Michelin chef, kicked out into homelessness, rediscovered by Vivienne Westwood to become a fashion icon, married twice and left destitute the second time, and is now living in a dilapidated brownstone with her pet bird Hecate where she can’t fit anything, including her deceased sister’s hat collection. This woman is an ICON.

So far on LOL, she’s accidentally given her keys to a stranger and wired money to a painter she met in the park to try to fix her apartment. Thankfully, her best friend Margo (who no longer drinks because of how hard they used to party together) talks some very tough love into Martha to get her shit together, Carol. I can’t wait to see where this season goes for Martha, but it better end in a brand sponsorship from Sherwin-Williams, at a minimum.

SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY: Emmy’s White Tears Dry On Their Own

Why does every scene of Will’s fiancée this season have me asking, “Emmy, are you okay?” Emmy always looks on the edge of combustion when she’s confronted with things her castmates say she’s done, or worse, Will has done. Every time I see her hyperventilating with Lauren Conrad tears falling, I find it baffling that her fiancé let her face this alone.

On episode 4 of the superb SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY, Emmy gets called out on weaponizing a microaggression against her former bestie, Bradley. Brad is one of two black males in the Charleston crew, and the only straight one. So, unsurprisingly (I guess to everyone except Emmy), he was pretty upset when she told “someone they both work with” she felt “unsafe” after Brad sent her a bitchy text, as shown on Bravo. According to Brad, the verbiage was just mimicking what half the cast heard Emmy herself yell through the wall (that Brad was dead to her). Emmy denies it vehemently and adds several “no’s” to hit the point home when she’s accused of committing a microaggression by Michols (the other black male on the cast), even if it was unintentional.

Emmy is a Bravolebrity we have seen before: petrified that taking any kind of accountability when it comes to race will automatically land a scarlet K on their chest online. Expressing that she perhaps overreacted when insinuating Brad was capable of doing something “scary and unsafe to her, especially given her crown as the crash out queen of Republic, would’ve gone a long way. Instead, her tearful dancing around the issue has emboldened hate, praising her rejection of “identity politics” in her comment section. I wonder if she’ll delete those too, but either way, she’ll have to face the music at the reunion (which, for the first time, is supposed to be studio! Good work, kiddos).

The entire industry is all atwitter for the pinnacle of the entertainment season, featuring the industry’s most accomplished performers. Yes, the LOVE IS BLIND season 10 reunion is here! Also, the Oscars are happening! Don’t let my cheap bit fool you, for what feels like the first time in years, the Academy Awards are teed up to be hot and heavy, with multiple tight races for the finish, contrasting several masterpieces of very different lanes.

There’s genre-redefining horror justice, cinematic ICE nightmare fuel, traumatic big pharma nightmare fuel, Brad Pitt and Jerry Bruckheimer saying “we’re still famous”, Guillermo Toro saying “you should still consider boning a cryptid”, cross-century fathers ain’t shit discourse, moden-day boys will be flops discourse (I’m talking about Marty, swear), and TRAIN DREAMS (fam, it was gorg, but you try finding something playful to say about it).

These are my unconventional predictions for the Oscars, and the equally beloved (in this house) shit show that is a LOVE IS BLIND reunion (though admittedly the latter might be vastly improved by putting Conan in the driver’s seat, sorry V).

Funny, Weird Oscars 2026 Predictions

Who will be best dressed at The Oscars?

Teyana Taylor, and it won’t even be close. She’s going to do something different with her hair than her trademark pixie, and she will serve lethal face and body while remaining modest. Don’t ask me how, just trust it will happen.

Who will be worst dressed at The Oscars?

Timothée Chalamet, sweetie, I’m so sorry. Little Timmy’s had a rough week, which will be just one of the reasons the public has less tolerance for whatever campy look his team cooked up, like when you realize your crush has an insufferable laugh after you’re over him.

I’m predicting either an athletic suit supplying a hand-over-first homage to sports/ping pong, or something alarmingly ill-fitting and pin-striped for the sake of the 1950s of it all. It might not be bad, but it will be insane.

Most Viral Moment From The Red Carpet

Will go to whoever is brave enough to address Timothée vs. the performing arts head-on. I’m thinking either a theatre baddie, like Cynthia Erivo or Patti Lupone, or a Very Serious™ actor, like Adrienne Brody, Jeremy Strong, or even Denzel. Don’t count out Jamie Lee Curtis doubling down, either.

Will Timothée address the ballet/opera slander?

Only indirectly in the form of a thank you, and definitely not if he loses. His PR team has surely cooked up a subtle non-answer, answer, possibly quietly (loudly) backed by a donation to his famous performing arts high school, LaGuardia.

Obscure Oscars 2026 Accessories

The night won’t be complete without one of the following: Paul Mescal rocking his slutty little historically inaccurate sluttly little Shakespeare earring (do it for the girls and gays, Paul), Michael B. Jordan wearing Stack-esque tooth jewelry of any kind (if we’re lucky, at least to the VF After Party), and Leo wearing something (a tie? cufflinks? scarf?) referencing the plaid robe that changed everything.

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Will Conan O’Brien make a joke about BAFTA at the Oscars?

Yes, but in a toothless way that thanks the Brits for making The Slap old news, without invoking any actors’ names.

Will Conan O’Brien make a joke about ICE at the Oscars?

Indoubtedly, and it will get a borderline standing ovation from everyone in the front rows except Sean Penn, who will look just neutral enough to not make a headline (but still piss off Film Twitter).

Conan Joke That Won’t Land

Some bit about actors like Odessa A’zion having to relinquish roles for authenticity couched in red-head representation.

Funniest Audience Reaction

An elderly white actor vibing out to “I Lied To You.” Harrison Ford, you’re up, or again, don’t rule out JLC clapping.

Will Josh Allen attend the 2026 Oscars?

With Hailee being so pregnant, it would be kinda weird if he didn’t!

Who will get bleeped on stage at the 2026 Oscars?

Even though he will try really hard not to, Keiran Culkin.

Spotted At The After Party Flirting Or Fighting

Jacob Elordi and Anne Hathaway for the former, Jameela Jamil and someone for the Lively/Reynolds camp for the latter.

LOVE IS BLIND Season 10 Reunion Predictions

Are Emma and Mike still dating?

@mrsbriromerox

BRIII on Instagram: "Cut the cameras, Mike! 😭😭😭😭

Love is …

I have never seen a couple so apathetic to a fissure in their relationship, and that’s including situationships ended in my middle school cafeteria over fake-cheese pizza. There is a 0.0% chance these two are still dating, and honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if Emma accidentally calls him Matt at the reunion.

Why did Jordan and Amber break up?

Alleged rumors and nastiness have been swirling that J called it off with A, which seemed pretty obvious when Jordan proclaimed he was “very certain!” about Amber, yet simultaneously expressed concerns about how moving a few zip codes over would ruin his life (?).

I’m guessing his excuse will be their lifestyles “just didn’t come together the way he wanted,” AKA he wasn’t up for being the provider of a family. This might be more understandable if Amber hadn’t been so wildly open about her daughter from day one, giving him several outs to keep enjoying single life with gems like his bestie Chris. He needs to be within Ubering distance of the town concert venue, okay!

Are Brittany and Devonta still friends?

If Emma and Mike have a zero percent chance, then Brittany and Devo (hmmm, wonder why he didn’t opt for Tay?!) have a negative chance of being involved in any capacity, including as friends, provided Brittany has access to a television and a therapist (said with love!). Devonta calling off the wedding (after wasting Brittany’s time from the moment he saw her, TBF) before the aisle was at least a kind of kindness, but I’m guessing he dropped the hammer for good the millisecond the cameras went down.

The question is, will she have dropped her industrial-strength defense mechanism of pretending he was the one for her, and come to the reunion guns blazing, with receipts? On all things that are holy, we can only pray, yes, perhaps with some of those receipts being allegations from other WOC (that are not me!) about his… preferences, as first reported by Cosmo.

How many times will Alex mention soccer at the LIB S10 reunion?

@overstim_latedgolden anniversary! whatever!! #loveisblind #realitytv #fypシ

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My bet is upwards of five, including a fake-humble acknowledgement of the internet’s ire for his obsession with a professional sport he does not play, but cast your vote below!

Vic and Christine Update

If they are not together, throw the whole show away. I’m predicting they will announce they’ve moved on to the next step in their family. Whether that is a baby with two legs or four is TBD!

In a world where an eccentric LA rap star collabing with a fast food titan on a foodie variety show is commonplace, where reality TV stars hawk their audio memoirs to Oscar nominees, and multiple next-gen pop princesses have to tell the literal government to refrain from using their bangers (designed for doing drugs on the way to clerb) as the soundtrack to war, I often can’t compute the headlines communicating this chaotic news.

Every morning, as I employ deep breathing while declining superfluous AI “help” every other second online, I can’t help but choke on my freshly brewed coffee at the copy. Digesting the unironic kooky semantics designed by our country’s finest journalists for our country’s silliest outlets has become a therapeutic pastime of mine (real therapy is too expensive). A comfort in a storm of terrifying toplines about devastating global tyranny! And now, I’m sharing that gift with you.

Please enjoy the most bonkers headlines I’ve read this week(ish).

Selena Gomez urged to divorce Benny Blanco after he exposes his dirty feet, farts in podcast video

After a certain number of headlines in this vein, like this very rough one from Page Six, they have to discuss a POA, right? It’s not just that Benny was caught slipping with filthy toes on his new podcast with Lil Dicky; there are constantly comments on Benny’s, erm, aesthetic that must be annoying to endure. Obviously, the couple in question does not agree with the haters, so I have no doubt a headline like this isn’t even coming close to ruining date night. But from a publicity standpoint, I have to suspect a pro-Benny counter campaign is quietly in the works. Watch this hygienic space.

Benny Blanco Disputes Claims He Has Dirty Feet: ‘Are You Kidding?’

And by counter campaign, I mean something a little more substantial and sexy than Benny taking off his socks on JIMMY KIMMEL. He made a decent attempt at damage control by blaming the production team for his dirty soles that day because of the state of the set, as reported by Complex…set appeared to be a carpeted staged mansion. To be fair, the “are you kidding” in question was more comical than affronted as the headline might imply.

The Naked Cowboy and his wife, the Naked Cowgirl, to divorce

As a child of the 2000s, when one ELLEN appearance led to lifelong fame, I did have to check in on the Naked Cowboy’s love life. The article doesn’t quite reveal why they’re calling curtains on their 16-year marriage, but it did inform that The Naked Cowboy apparently ran for multiple political offices, including president. Honestly, and sadly, he was just a few years ahead of his time, but I guess it’s encouraging to know there are more unhinged timelines out there!

Elle Fanning on Her First Oscar Nomination: “I Like To Be Terrified”

THR exposing Elle as freaky on main, IKTR. Even better, their preferred pull-quote from the piece for Twitter: “Elle Fanning admits she wasn’t watching the Oscar nomination announcement and was instead “dead asleep” when she got nominated. “Dakota and I had gone out the night before. We had quite a late night...” Getting hungover with the Fanning sisters is officially on my bucket list.

Christian Bale advises against meeting him, citing ‘disappointment’ for fans

As someone who met Christian Bale in 2012 as an unseasoned industry hopeful, I have to disagree with his assessment. The scene was a Starbucks, the Columbus Circle Starbucks to be exact, which is to say the busiest location in New York City and probably the US at the time. I was an undertrained, overworked barista barely making it through the opening shift when a very pretty brunette, followed by a familiar, angular face, strolled in. My voice escaped me for a moment. I poured their Pike Place coffees, then found the courage to say: “Um, you look like Christian Bale.” He said, “Yeah, I know,” and walked away without further conversation. Extremely movie star material!

EXCLUSIVE: A judge denies Shia LaBeouf’s request to attend his dad’s Baptism in Rome.

Almost nothing is funny about the perpetually spiraling Shia situation, but I do have to appreciate TMZ’s specificity here. His dad is not only getting baptized but doing it in Rome, and, yes, that detail adds a lot. “A judge wasn’t moved by the Holy Spirit though,” the article adds. Hate to say it, but sometimes the devils at TMZ are good for a laugh.

Paris Jackson shares selfies with rarely-seen mom Debbie Rowe

New lane of motherhood carved out with the title “Rarely-seen mom” here. If I were ever to become a mother, this is the kind I aspire to be known as.

This week, like tales from the crypt, grotesqueries of Hollywood’s past have crawled up from the depths of Canceledland for another shot at the limelight. The darksided deadline announcement of Jonathan Majors (convicted) starring alongside Zachary Levi (cooked) in an “anti-woke SINNERS” (condemning the Klan is PC snowflake tears to these producers, I guess) was the first of many jump scares tainting the TL this week. I can’t lie, I did laugh that working-again Jeremy Piven thinks the idiom meaning to disguise yourself by blending in is “in plane side” as opposed to the correct “in plain sight,” but I couldn’t find a reason to laugh at the Studio System summarily saying MeToo is no longer that girl with some recent hires.

The only readily available antidote to being reminded that Hollywood ain’t shit is remembering it’s also a home for unbelievably weird lore, like photo confirmation that Trisha Paytas and Quentin Tarantino have made small talk.

Pop Culture News Of The Week

Trisha Paytas And Quentin Tarantino Have Breathed The Same Air

https://x.com/TheCinesthetic/status/2027420797929926743?s=20

I’ve just become aware that, once upon a time in Hollywood, Trisha Paytas was such a huge Tarantino superfan that she intercepted him multiple times at meetups, leading to these cozy selfies. I know Trisha clarified she never actually knew him, but look at the aura emanating from their embrace! You’re telling me they never shared a moment? He didn’t have her in mind when directing a single OUATIH cult baddie? Please.

Buddy Guy’s Tiny Desk Has Medicinal Properties

What better way to wash away the stink of ill-conceived conservative clapbacks than to continue to enjoy the fruitfulness of Ryan Coogler’s cultural reset? In this Tiny Desk, blues icon Buddy Guy, AKA Old Sammie (always rasped in Remmick’s voice), plays with Miles Caton, AKA Young Sammie, with soul so potent it’s like consuming mom’s chicken noodle soup orally.

John Lennon’s Son Is Besties With Willow Smith

https://x.com/RollingStone/status/2027190697284002232?s=20

GET A JOB, and I can’t stress this enough, STAY AWAY FROM HER. Call me woke (and give me a 90 million dollar budget to make my opus magnum), but something just never sits right about a 50-year-old man referring to a young woman as a “cool friend” and not “a talented young woman I have the privilege of meeting through her parents.” Turns out, I’d rather see nepo babies whine about being called nepo babies than make loserish jokes about it.

Rachel Zoe Got Real In The Hamptons: RHOBH Proposal Story

A three-episode arc for a mini-cast trip? In this economy? Unheard of (especially when one of those three is Kyle Arbitor Of Truth Richards), and yet Rachel Zoe pulled it off. She invited men in suede hats named Xander Bleck and Michael Polzzi (DJs in a dance desert music group called Mojave Grey) to dinner, knowing that every successful single ladies’ night out needs a safely dispensed dosage of weird male energy.

Rachel took Dorit to LoveShackFancy, where Dorit spent nearly $5K on (possibly) several Acquired Style-approved fits, sending Kyle into a pocket-checking crisis presumably due to the lack of available caftans. Rachel even revealed she got Roger to propose off the back of her “fooling around” with an irresistibly hot model boy. Hamptons Rachel Zoe is what RHOBH needs right now.

Britney Spears’ Hardest Lyric?

With news of Brit selling her masters (always bears repeating, it’s truly unforgivable what this industry has done to her), I’ve had her catalogue on repeat. Relatedly, I think I’ve concluded a less-played CIRCUS track may contain the biggest fuck you lyric Britney’s ever sung. “You don’t like me, I don’t like you, it don’t matter / Only difference, you still listen, I don’t have to.” Delectable peon trolling, like Nicki Minaj’s ditty about haters listening in a quiet room, without the MAGA baggage.

Dunkin Dropped A 48-Ounce Bucket Cup For You Sickos

TikTok has had an irreversible impact on consumption, and for that reason, I know to my core that some midwestern mom muckbanger getting creative with the mini Lowe’s bucket trend was the inspo for this monstrosity. If you can consume 48 ounces (16 more than a Starbucks Trenta!) of caffeinated Boston seawater, you may have what it takes to survive the nuclear blast.

Flavor Flav Invited The Women’s Hockey Team To His House

https://x.com/FlavorFlav/status/2026046392666365981?s=20

In lieu of the White one, following their Winter Olympics gold medal. Isn’t it crazy that in 2026, most women would, without thinking, opt to fraternize with Flav over that other reality TV star?

Is Belle Hassan The Most Delusional Love Islander Ever?

@bellehassan

B E L I Z E H A S S A N on Instagram: "She in love with a st…

Though Whitney might suggest “charging it,” the theme of season two of LOVE ISLAND: ALL STARS is definitely delusion. The main culprit, “Hurricane Belle”, displayed unprecedented levels of delusion, namely when she did things like dub herself that ostentatious nickname at the behest of literally no one, and then pretended to be embarrassed by it. Belle insisted that sexy loudmouth, Scott Van Der Sluis, was her end game after two chats, and when Scott picked the partner he’d been coupled up with for 30-plus episodes instead, declared herself to be Scott’s one that got away. When Scott challenged Belle’s own words (that he’d be begging in her DMs after the show) by submitting them to an ask-the-audience vote, Belle insisted he only repeated her strong-held belief to humiliate her. This is delusion in 4K.

Belle (alongside her soldier and season-winner, Samie) was pissed at Lucinda for all of her lollygagging and tongue wagging, yet chimed in herself at every occasion. Including that time when she tried to son Scott for saying he didn’t want to make it official with his partner, Leanne, until they could do “real world” things like talk on the phone (hence Scott’s sassy little Snapchat above).

Honestly, Belle, never change. You can sleep well knowing you are going to be many men’s karma in this life (while potentially pissing off an unnecessary herd of innocent women along the way, too, unfortunately).

The Laguna Beach Reunion No One Asked For Is Here

https://x.com/TheRokuChannel/status/2027054522078523418?s=20

I’d say I was excited to hear from Stephen Colletti, but we already got that pleasure on TRAITORS. I guess I’m curious what Dieter is up to? And the fact that it’s streaming on The Roku Channel. Come on, recession indicator!

Jack Harlow’s Letterboxd Actually Eats

I hate to be impressed when a man does the bare minimum, but I did not expect WHATS POPPIN’s Letterboxd to be regularly logging Hitchcockian favorites and Forrest Whitaker deep cuts. Yes, he loved, MARTY SUPREME (”Banger I tell you”), but he also had an unexpectedly astute take on soulmates as it relates to BRIEF ENCOUNTER. Though I think my favorite review was for TASTE OF CHERRY: “Had a pregnancy scare that put me in this exact same mode once.” This is the first time I’ve gotten it, girls.

Maura’s Face When She Found Out…

The deep belly laugh, “But you pinky promised!” got out of me. The only thing funnier was the notion that this guy becoming richer would somehow create trouble in finding a girlfriend (which he did, who is allegedly perhaps a “normie” for Kansas City, according to Reddit). Rob is stupid hot (sorry, I’m not blind), but his undeniable finesse of nearly everyone in the castle proves he is not stupid and hot separately.

In a world where aspiring A-list actresses launching syntax-averse lingerie lines or romantic agents of chaos voluntarily joining dating shows are commonplace, where the biggest female rap star in the world is also casually getting into fast food franchising to pay for her next PJ, while her most antagonistic peer is turning tricks at Turning Point USA conventions to do the same, I often can’t compute the headlines communicating this chaotic news.

Every morning, as I touch timelines instead of grass to read the world news (which Mormon Wife got signed by CAA this week), I can’t help but choke on my freshly brewed coffee at the copy. Digesting the unironic kooky semantics designed by our country’s finest journalists for our country’s silliest outlets has become a therapeutic pastime of mine, a comfort in a storm of terrifying toplines about devastating global tyranny. And now, I’m sharing that gift with you.

Please enjoy the most bonkers headlines I’ve read this week(ish).

FBI’s Patel defends beer-soaked Olympic celebration while on Italy trip

You’d think “beer-soaked” was an overstatement until you see the footage of Kash that induces perhaps an unprecedented level of second-hand embarrassment in all of Olympic history. Yes, I’m including the Raygun, the Olympic breakdancer from Summer 2025. Sophomores on study abroad have looked cooler.

‘Marty Supreme’ Ties BAFTA Record for Most Losses in History

I can only imagine the type of hater brain you have to tap into to think of this angle, probably because I also have one. 10/10, no notes.

Disgusted designer of famed Nicki Minaj fried chicken necklace ditches it to protest her MAGA turn

Words that would send a pilgrim into anaphylaxis, but to me, a girl who put a ludicrous amount of weight on PINK FRIDAY to carry me through grade 12, an incredibly powerful and painful turning of the page.

J. Cole Met by Swarm of Fans at Phoenix Garage as Honda Civic Gets Repaired

J. Cole is so J. Cole that it didn’t even occur to me this was a promotional bit for his tour. Like, he WOULD unironically drive a Honda Civic cross country to make a point. About what, I couldn’t tell you.

Wuthering Heights’ Cathy and Heathcliff Need Therapy. If They Were My Clients, Here’s What I’d Tell Them

Imagine your therapist is late to the weekly appointment keeping you hinged because she’s busy telling People Magazine how she’d fix Emerald Fennell’s WUTHERING HEIGHTS characters. Incredible.

Eagles News: One study claims Jalen Hurts is the NFL’s most hated player

Lol, was the study run by Kevin Patullo, surveying his family members?

Famous California bald eagle couple threatened by luxury housing: ‘We don’t have much time’

Maybe accidentally (hilariously) implying these words into birds’ mouths is what the precious souls who are like “violate a human being, fine, but mess with something that walks and all fours and THAT’S when we’ll have a problem!” need to hear to go all in on the housing crisis.

Overstimulated has been around for three years now (that’s not to say I’ve only been overstimulated for three years, but rather marking the moment in time when my hyper-consumption manifested itself into a Substack). Like most toddlers, she’s bravely survived wobblier eras of inconsistency on the sun-illuminated path to the words I could always find but not always get to paper. But amidst discipline deficits enabled by overdemanding day jobs and world crises (as if I’m not going to blame the evil regime ruling the US at every given opportunity, pls), there were always wins. Every time a friend texted that they cackled at a recap, a stranger commented that they were also weirdly obsessed with my weird obsession, and a follower did me the honor of subscribing on main — something I’m so tickled is happening far more frequently these days.

But regardless of what era Overstimulated is in, one thing remains true: ALL TYPOS ARE CAMP.

It’s likely some of the new swimmers, like Morgen (campy spelling, BTW!), dipping a toe in my brainchild, haven’t gotten a newsletter to their inbox, or a chance to read my About page, where that mantra is put forth as a universal truth. All typos are camp is literal — you will see typos on this page, I promise — and a state of mind — this ain’t the New York Times, and not just because I have no plans to invite base-angering devil’s advocate to guest-write for clicks.

If you are looking for Serious Journalism with editorial polish worthy of instant republication in Vogue, to that I say, you got the right bitch to put you in the wrong place. Meaning, Overstimulated is a place for the bitches who would rather spend 43 seconds rewatching the BILLY ON THE STREET clip I just referenced to feed their soul rather than trying to out-bob Grammarly.

All typos are camp was my founding principle because I got Overstimulated going during a time where I was cranking out a wickedly high volume of assigned content for a digital publication, producing mini encyclopedias of historical research for a podcast, and perfecting screenplays to sow producers’ attention into a deal (which I successfully did twice, FTR). So, all typos are camp was my refuge from the shackles of incessant proofreading and further policing of content that was always deferent to others’ constructs.

In this house, my house mind you, we take the scenic route to the point in a way that would make most TNG-CWA-accredited editors’ heads spin, and that includes holding space for my rambling to include some syntax brambles. If you’re down to match my freak by reading 1,000 words on Cillian Murphy’s necktie in RED EYE (yes, that’s a real piece I am writing as we virtually speak), then I hope you’re down to read it in my overanalyzed but often haphazardized modus operandi that evokes the million-words-a-minute way I speak IRL.

If you’re looking to audition as my volunteer copy editor, to be honest, that’s welcome too. Just do me a favor, boo, and subscribe.

Now, onto the—

Pop Culture News Of The Week

Theranos AIed Herself With Biggie And Pac

For truly unfathomable reasons, Theranos’ felon, Elizabeth Holmes, posted an AI rendering of herself, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, Eminem, and Snoop Dog/Lion/whoever he is these days in the stu (lab). I’m a firm believer in the principle of rehabilitation over retribution, but I’m not sure how wasting water and kilowatts on asking Chat to generate her dream blunt rotation is restorative.

Maybe It’s Sai De Silva

Sai De Silva, they could never make me hate you, and yes, the they I’m speaking of is the group of delusional dreamers who believe, even after Jill Zarin’s historic flop, that the cast of old RHONY is what Bravo needs right now. I’ve loved Sai’s subtle snarl since her first season, and project big things for her in Housewivesland. Until then, how fun it was to see her Maybelline campaign during a Peacock ad break. Sorry to bring it up prematurely, but her face is giving so good that Tyra’s judges’ table would’ve given a standing O.

Ariana Madix Met Obama

What is more powerful? Cancer icon Ariana Madix meeting former President Barack Obama during All Stars Weekend, or Ariana posting the pic of Obama on the SECOND slide of her carousel. It’s not about Tom, but please, for pettiness’ sake, let me note: all while Sandoval is prepping for making the most of HOUSE OF VILLAINS press.

Harry Jowsey Is Looking For A MORMON WIFE

As importantly flagged by Hunter Harris, Harry Jowsey has found a home behind another reality TV camera, this time on THE SECRET LIVES OF MORMON WIVES season 4, which is somehow already upon us. It looks like he’s not even pretending to play pals with DadTok. I can’t wait for the forthcoming scandal over which Wife got weird with Jowsey when the cameras went down.

Costco Has Ice Cream Sundaes Now

Now, more than ever, your membership-less friends, NEED you to take them to Costco to try the instant fan-favorite Double Chocolate Mint Sundae. And it’s $3?? I don’t even FW mint CC like that, but this is the America I want to see.

Liza Minnelli Name-Drops Gaga In Her Memoir

I’m not one to lap up celebrity memoir pandering because it’s usually underwhelming and overwritten. That last time I did, and was not disappointed, was Britney Spears’ audiobook, narrated by one Michelle Williams (the white one, but the black one would’ve been incredible too). If there was ever a time to get back in the game, it’s for Legend Minnelli’s forthcoming book, in which headlines are already spinning about her memories involving the rich and famous, including an apparently tricky experience with Stefani Germonatta on stage at the Oscars.

Chris Has Taken The Baton As LOVE IS BLIND’S Biggest Male Flop

I’m fearful of spoiling the wretched/ratchet behavior of Chris regarding his treatment of baby angel, infectious disease doctor Jess, because in a sea of constant reality TV gags, this one is truly gaggy. So, I’ll just say this: if you are going insist on dating a woman who looks like she “does pilates every day,” other than passing on a show like LOVE IS BLIND, it’s only fair to consider becoming a dude who looks like he snaps necks on a shirtless seven-mile run through the streets of LA weekly. I feel like those are equal.

Tyra Still Allegedly Owes Jay Manuel A Call

I know most people’s biggest shock from the TOP MODEL doc heard round the world is that Miss Tyra dared use it as a hard launch for the ANTM revival. I, personally, expect this level of audacity from a woman who filmed a buddy comedy with Lindsay Lohan and then immediately made the best red wigs on God’s green earth her trademark. My first Google was on the status of whether Tyra followed up on that phone call to Jay Manuel, the one subject in the doc she outright refused to address. According to Mr. Jay, the answer is no, and among much heartbreak (and smizing) in the series, that hits specifically hard. I ain’t never seen two prettier best friends fall out.

The funny thing about so much happening every second of every day is that I always have bandwidth to perceive more. It doesn’t matter that I just experienced the total emotional life cycle of an absolute stranger’s deepest relationship trauma through a series of TikToks. I’m also down to deep dive that outlandish DeuxMoi DM, annotate an influencer spiraling in their Instagram comment section, or yes, shovel down one more episode of reality TV.

In an attempt to relieve some cloud storage in my brain (not for functional needs but to make room for more zeigeisty nonsense, duh), I’m sharing these bite-sized intrusive pop culture thoughts that brought me joy, exasperation, and melodramatic jaw drops this week.

Pop Culture News Of The Week

Britani Bateman Posted An In Memorium For Her On Again Off Again Relationship With An Osmand

I dare you to watch this video and describe it any other way. Britani Bateman, the operatic bench squad backup of THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF SALT LIKE CITY, has spent most of her screentime talking about her on-again-off-again boyfriend, Jared Osmand. She’s done this despite the protests of her fellow castmates, her daughter Olivia, and sometimes Jared himself. On Monday night, Britani bid this back-and-forth adieu in an objectively bonkers relationship highlights reel titled “Goodbye Baby. You are loved.” My favorite comment (other than KingPrincess’ “Ok WORK!”) is Jared‘s: “Well, this is an alarming post to wake up to.”

LOVE IS BLIND Season 10 Has Its Very Own Cristiano Ronaldo

I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but why do so many men pushing 40 go on LOVE IS BLIND to tell the world they once almost had a professional sports career? Alex Henderson, who thought he’d be a top five to top ten but was ultimately a top 23 (still pretty good) pick over a decade ago for college soccer, highlights his tangentiality to professional sports as an important lens for his LIB journey: “A lot of women probably look at social media and the way that professional athletes treat their women and they look at that as something that’s attractive without really diving into what that relationship is.” Okay, sure, fine…but does he stop there? No, of course not. “They get to 35 and the guy’s done playing sports and she’s—not really looking necessarily the way she used to.” ???

I’m not sure why Alex is comparing a man losing his income and presumed purpose to a woman naturally aging (as the man will ALSO), but the producers could’ve calmed his worries by reminding him he’s actually not a professional athlete, he’s a man in Ohio on LOVE IS BLIND.

Kevin Durant Is Beating The Ashy Allegations

It took me an embarrassing amount of time to realize this Kevin Durant Cerave ad (in response to his ankles causing shockwaves across the web) was an homage to THE NAKED GUN and not a genetically impossible display of limbs. As a petite middle schooler who once had a random middle-aged woman scream at my legs, “How do you walk on those things!” in the middle of a cafeteria costume change during musical rehearsal, I was concerned for him as an empath.

Who Dressed Marot Robbie For This Press Tour?

Margot Robbie could be wearing Michael Rappaport’s fedora scraps as a dress, and she’d look perfect, but I cackled at fans’ reactions to whatever the hell is happening styling-wise here on this WUTHERING HEIGHTS press tour stop. This is 1000% how I would’ve styled my hair as a subtle ploy for attention from my crush on Valentine’s Day in middle school, and that’s both a compliment and a criticism. Anything to get the kids talking about Emerald’s flick!

Who the hell is Summer on RHOBH?

I mean, literally, she is Boz’s cheerleading Midwest childhood friend in town. But like, who is she? And why is she taking the fourth SATC seat at the table in several pivotal scenes where an actual cast member would’ve made a whole lot of sense? To be fair, I’m a bit obsessed with how her energy is just eons away from Beverly Hills (kinda like Babz with RHONY), but any more camera time and I’ll have to assume this was Boz’s unfounded attempt at planting a friend-of.

QUEEN OF OZ, You Will Always Be Famous

I’m mad at everyone in my life who knew about Catherine Tate’s 2023 British Royal sitcom and didn’t tell me. Which might be far fewer people than I think, but still, the anger’s there. This would’ve been perfect for Peacock if they hadn’t cleared the slate for that OFFICE spinoff that feels like it didn’t happen. Stream it now on Prime Video for a ridiculous volume of easy laughs.

The Mormon Wives Have A New DadTok Villain

@laylaleannetaylorAll while texting me he missed me the same morning and couldn’t stop crying…glad growing is off to a great start 🤍

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Fool me once, shame on me; fool me a second time with your brother, shame on both of you, as the saying goes. I guess I’m a fool because I actually had a weird amount of stock in Mormon Layla going the distance with her younger ex-boyfriend, Mason, the brother of her other ex-boyfriend, Chase. But according to this TikTok audio and forewarning comments by Taylor Frankie Paul, the romance is dunzo, and there is bad blood. Get Hulu and a camera!

I’m Not Sold On Luke And Polly On SELLING SUNSET: OC

Forgive me for being several months late, but I just caught up on SELLING SUNSET’S southerly spinoff. Other than Alex Hall finding herself in yet another ill-fated romance that, due to unspeakable workings of the universe (incompatibility), wasn’t meant to be, her girl Polly got a little romance—with Luke from SUMMER HOUSE?! While I was tickled to see Midwest Cheekbones, those frictionless “dates” with Polly needed a jumpscare warning.

Kendall Toole, The Iconic Peloton Instructor of “Get Em Banned” Fame, Studied Kubrick In Film School

And finally: she is an icon, and she is the moment. Kendall Toole is more than a spin instructor who takes no disrespect. She is a film graduate who fancies Kubrick, and I need her Letterboxd, yesterday. I suspect she would’ve been so much more fun than the film bros I got partnered with in class.

In a world where collabs between the second-most famous Grande and Drag Race royalty manifest into Ephemeral Slay Ride Tours, where the government and operating hours are categorically not in cahoots, where a recession-era TV experiment relaunched (like a fifth horseman) with a Real Housewife allegedly facing jail time, I often can’t compute the chaotic headlines of reported news.

Every evening, as I do my ritual doomscroll from bed (my sleep hygiene has expectedly spiraled out of control with the seasonal change) for the most pivotal world news (whatever celebrity has most recently grossly overestimated their goodwill and unintentionally disturbed the peace), I can’t help but choke on my freshly brewed coffee at the copy. Digesting the loosey goosey linguistics written by our country’s most creative journalists about our country’s (sometimes) silliest news isn’t just my job; it’s a life preserver tossed down from The Universe.

Please enjoy the most neck-snapping headlines I’ve read this week(ish).

Orlando Bloom’s rumoured girlfriend dressed up as his ex, Katy Perry, for Halloween and the internet is not having it

I feel Rachel’s real error here, leading the internet to “not have it,” so to speak, was picking on Space Age Katy as opposed to recreating a Katy Cat-approved look. She could’ve DIYed California Gurls cupcake boobs out of caulk, like the girlies were doing on TikTok. You simply can’t double-dunk, months later, while allegedly “cozying up” to Katheryn’s seconds.

🚨 Kim Kardashian has failed the California Bar exam

It’s the siren emoji that did it here for me. DROP EVERYTHING — someone you never expected to be an agent of the court is still, for now, incapable of practicing law. I know it’d be super Kardashian-coded for Kim to keep hustling until she can double-bill Ryan Murphy for legal consultancy on season 2 of All’s Fair, but is charitably funding other (perhaps, more legally inclined) candidates to reach their esquireal pursuits an option?

Cher hits back at criticism over 40-year age gap with boyfriend Alexander ‘AE’ Edwards: ‘They’re not living my life’

Cher said Leo to hold my beer! I’m only raising a brow at the accuracy with which her BF, AE, is nailing an impression of Usher Raymond doing a modern-day impression of Michael Jackson in that second look.

SNL Spoofs Tom Brady Cloning His Dog with Rob Gronkowski Photo in New Video

Okay, suuuuure, SNL was joking that Tom Brady cloned Gronk in addition to his dog, Junie. But you’re telling me after Deflategate, Billichek didn’t ever once even consider it?

Zohran Mamdani has been elected the 111th Mayor of New York City.

A mindblowing headline in that things like this don’t typically slip past our Bad Place simulation.

Sabrina Carpenter Arrests Nicole Kidman Onstage at Nashville Concert: ‘We Come to This Arena for Magic’

I find this generation’s commitment to on-stage bits (pink fuzzy handcuffed arrests, Sally, H-O-T-T-O-G-O dance) fascinating. Even more fascinating would be the metrics on how many youth at Sabrina’s show had any idea TF she was talking about with the AMC A-lister reference.

Diddy’s Unglamorous Prison Birthday Dinner Includes Green Beans

We know, thankfully, what Diddy did (per court convictions), but, sorry, what did green beans do to deserve the bad press?

Every morning, as I do my ritual doomscroll from the loo (my unadulterated right as an adult who lives alone) for educational content (whatever unhinged overshare of the week has gone viral on TikTok), I can't help but choke on my freshly brewed coffee at the copy. Digesting the loosey goosey linguistics written by our country's finest journalists about our country's silliest news stories isn't just my job; it's my path of least resistance to serotonin.

Please enjoy the most bonkers headlines I've read this week(ish).

Anna Delvey denies ditching bunnies in Brooklyn park after photoshoot

I'm obsessed with this writer who begins the article *explaining how Anna was duped into being a victim of bunny-gate through no fault of her own) with the iconic line, "Get me hare and makeup!" I hope the bunnies are safe and sound now, because the photos are fabulous, and they are stars.

Josh Hart Tries Viral Breast Milk-Flavored Ice Cream After Confirming He's Tried His Wife's for Real

I'm also obsessed with the journalist actively keeping tabs on former NBA star Josh Hart's breast milk proclivities.

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Halle Berry’s ex-husband says he left because he couldn’t see her as mother of his kids. “She don’t cook, clean, don’t really seem motherly.”

Every time a sexist, elderly man in a Fedora leaves a gorgeous, charming, talented, world-famous actress alone, 88 angels get their wings.

VIDEO: RHOC Alum Kelly Dodd Hints at What Led to Feud With Daughter Jolie in Deleted Post as Brother Eric Meza Reveals Alleged Knife Incident and Threatens Lawsuit in Explosive TikTok

Sooooo many words just to say family therapy shouldn't be optional. Also, why do I have trouble believing that the Housewife who famously yelled "Shut the fuck up. You're a freaking cunt is what you are," hinted at anything?

A group of women were spotted dancing on a stripper pole in front of Randy’s Donuts in Los Angeles.

The only thing that's weird about this is that the lovely lady doing the freestanding ass shake isn't Huda Mustafa. It was her trademark move on Love Island USA and obviously, an art form.

Millie Bobby Brown Is Giving Cozy-Chic In Crocs' New Furry Clogs

Something about thee Hollywood Reporter publishing colloquially bastardized ebonics ("giving") is tickling me. Like, I have to believe an editor who has seen every work of Orson Welles (twice) was begrudgingly tasked with approving this hed, insisted upon by a tired but wired elder millennial behind the keys.

Also, Crocs, if you're reading this, PLEASE send me the furry clogs for review. I want to be giving cozy dash chic!

Tom Holland Creates Flawless Thirst Trap as He Shows Off His Abs in Soaking Wet T-Shirt After Cold Plunge

I didn't know there was a Club Holland until I saw this. To be fair, Simone is a lot more respectful of Timmy's boyish good looks. Club Holland is thirsty, mama.

Jennifer Lopez Puts on a Leggy Display for Fans in Chic Pantless Look: See the Daring Snaps!

And, I leave you with this: a daring J.Lo thirst trap! This act of sexy bravery was for fans, according to People Magazine, but I am of the belief every Jenny from the Block post is most purposefully for her last lover unless otherwise stated, or Ben Affleck, or both.

BTW, do we think Bennifer will get undivorced, just so we can all feel something? I support their freedom to choose!

Every morning, as I do my ravenous routine Twitter scroll (no, it's not ever fucking X) for the world news (which Bravolebrity subtweeted that other Bravolebrity with scandalous receipts) I can't help but choke on my freshly brewed coffee at the copy. Digesting these unironic, kooky semantics designed by our country's finest journalists for our country's silliest outlets has become a favorite pastime of mine. Because blinking through this camp verbiage about pop culture happenings has been a comfort in a storm of terrifying toplines about devastating global tyranny. And now, I'm sharing that gift with you.

Please enjoy the most insane headlines I've read this week(ish).

Zoe Saldaña Says Her 'Emilia Pérez' Oscar Is 'Trans' and 'Goes by They/Them' (Exclusive)

Oh, that's not… no. And during Pride month, no less! Karla Sofia Gascon is somewhere cackling in glee that she’s not totally alone in buffonery, I know it.

Katy Perry’s ‘devastating’ album flop has caused ‘tension’ with fiancé Orlando Bloom: report

The biggest shock in this headline is that she isn't married to Orlando Bloom yet. Are they waiting to have the ceremony in space?

Brooke Shields reveals why only one of her daughters will inherit her jewelry when she dies

This is very unfair to them, considering Brooke's kiddos are named Grien and Rowan. Inheriting jewelry is one of like, three, viable career paths for them.

Emily Ratajkowski's Birthday Cake Was Inspired by Her Own Butt in a Thong

Arriola Steinem strikes again. And I bet the icing said "the ass will set you free, but first it will twerk in your face."

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New Bravo reality star, Charlie Zakkour, was at the scene of crypto torture arrest, sometimes ‘crashed’ at Soho house of horrors

Editor's note: Any residence housing with crypto traders is legally considered a torture house.

Joseline Hernandez’s Dancers Fight on Her Puerto Rican Day Parade Float

Sooo, was the fighting part of the choreo, or not? Could go either way with Joseline Double Homicide Hernandez.

See the 'Big Mouth' Cast Side-by-Side with the Awkward Animated Teenagers They Voice

“Awkward” feels like a gratuitous dig at their fictional dignity here.

Did you attend the Shakira concert in New Jersey? There’s a chance you’ve been exposed to the measles.

A friend recently moved from Jersey back to New York, after trying to give the Garden State a go. As we all rallied in community around her logical decision, someone said, "Jersey just has no vibe," and this post is the evidence.

Diddy Trial: Exotic Dancer Known as The Punisher Questioned About Erectile Dysfunction Struggles

And I leave you with this true whopper. Now, there is nothing funny about Diddy’s sexual terrorism, but I guess I'm just confused about why some random soul named The Punisher's libido is this relevant to Diddy's freakish freak offs.