The new tagline for this network is going to be Betrayal, by Bravo, if our young Bravolebrities have anything to do with it. Naturally, the weekly ritual of unwinding in the Hamptons turned into a forensic analysis due to the best kind of Shakespearean reality TV plot twist: an off-camera crisis that began after the season was over but got exposed before the reunion. There’s so much to say about Amanda and West’s new TV villain status, and why, yes, it matters, but first, we must let summer continue to, at least on the outside, look a little fun.

SUMMER HOUSE S10 E9

Rated M for Microscope

Genre: Investigative Drama

Starring: Tart irony, psychic visions, emotional projection

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐/5 stars

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Act 1: The Apology

@pagesixKyle Cooke had a very telling confessional in the latest "Summer House" episode 🤔

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The sequel to Kyle’s geriatric birthday picks up with Dara sharpening her claws for her confrontation with Bailey, Carl making Kyle say straight up state I ain’t got it, and Lindsay hunting for a sugar daddy. Hopefully, these types of single mom on the prowl shenanigans are what we can accept on IN THE CITY. Had West and Amanda’s untoward dalliance not been exposed, West’s weird hyperfixation on getting Kyle to apologize still would’ve stood out as performative good guy behavior. The man who has jokey-joked his way through plenty of other gross male behavior and who can barely string a sentence together when confronted on his own emotionally immature wrongdoings, is suddenly leading the charge on accountability?

Not to downplay the nastiness of swearing and name-calling your wife, but you’d think with West’s righteous fervor for how Amanda was treated, something unprecedentedly cruel had happened last night, and not another (unacceptable) Kyle temper tantrum. Now, knowing that feelings were brewing under the surface, it seems like the more obvious answer was moments of Kyle fumbling like this, while Amanda and West got closer and closer, could’ve made West realize the door was going to open between them, assuming it had not been opened already.

I can see the alternate universe where, had the joint statement not dropped, the less discerning of the Bravoverse would’ve praised West for randomly clocking in as the morality police. But Kyle almost presciently confesses to the producers the way the guys, namely West, were “flirting and playing games” with Amanda all summer, instead of advocating for Kyle in the slightest, rubbed him the wrong way. Is this the first ever documented instance of men’s intuition?

Outside, the girls get Ciara to tell Amanda “what she found out” about Kyle’s precarious finances. Anyone else notice the fear in Amanda’s eyes paralyze her body? Prior to the scandal, it simply reads like she’s on edge from the tension of the day. With the unfortunate knowledge we all possess now, Amanda sure looks like a kid with her hand caught in the candy jar. All of the girls, led by Ciara, offer to do everything, including house Amanda, to make sure she is taken care of should she leave her marriage. Amanda can only get out the words. “I don’t know,” over and over, but it seems like she does know something under the doting wife surface.

Act 2: P.S. I Don’t Love You

Ciara makes the nightly announcement to kick out the randos and slip into a bikini. I’m starting to enjoy this newly cemented tradition of taking turns to shut the party down. It reminds me of who grabs the dinner tab in the BELOW DECK universe. Jesse (who was nearly dead silent during West’s scolding) reports back to Amanda how “West basically yelled at [Kyle]” in her defense. Jesse says he was proud, and guess Amanda was too! She hugs Jesse, openly admitting she does not “keep” coming back to the house for her husband; she comes for “you guys,” presumably meaning all of her friends. So, for those keeping score, she’s been done.

“I just wish that you would love me,” Kyle drunkenly murmurs as Amanda puts him to bed on one of the rare nights he stays in. Amanda can’t bring herself to say the words most partners would instinctively reply, even when furious: I do love you, but. Kyle’s done immense damage to his marriage, and that’s considering we only see the bad behavior of the summer, but he’s not alone in his marital sins.

Even when Amanda and Kyle are good, she’s spoken ill of his character, telling newbies not to take anything he says seriously and constantly pointing out when he’s embarrassing or obnoxious (which is often). Amanda detests that Kyle has become a DJ and rightfully so when factoring in his partying past, but the very obvious derision for her husband’s passion for music in general objectively has to be a hit to his ego. I pray to the heavens the LOML doesn’t pick up a cheugy hobby, but if they did, I’d hope my respect for them would supersede my cringemeter. (Unless it was Burning Man, that’s break-up worthy).

After a night out, Carl, Jesse, West, and Ben recap the night around the kitchen island. “God forbid [Kyle’s divorce and Loverboy tanking] don’t happen at the same time,” West muses. Wait, someone check this man’s polymarket picks on Kyle’s life! The boys end the night by playing with Ciara’s chest plate…again! It’s official, as with many things men try to be funny, let’s leave it to the drag queens.

Act 3: Proud Family

The girls whip up breakfast, and Lindsay puts West on egg-whisking duty, which, of course, immediately jumps to masturbation jokes. We are officially again zero episodes free from a West/Jesse middle school sex joke. Over West’s famous breakfast casserole (Amanda’s new morning delight, perhaps?) Ciara reveals she’s missing Lindsay’s upcoming housewarming to buy a house. It’s more than just a North Carolina getaway (don’t give Bravo any ideas about a third SOUTHERN CHARM spinoff, pls). It’s a house that’s been in her family for years, and Ciara’s seed for sowing generational wealth.

While everyone is applauding Ciara’s achievement, West’s temporary ability to articulate justice goes poof again. He’s afraid of giving Ciara her flowers in front of the group (including Amanda! gotta say it!), and it’s unclear why. As if the thought of Ciara doing something that doesn’t revolve around being dicked around in NYC simply doesn’t compute. The first SUMMER HOUSE trip away certainly won’t be happening with this group next summer.

Act 4: Pillow Talk

Before breakfast ends, Ben makes a big show of asking Lindsay if it’s okay to invite Sabrina (his current girlfriend, then on-again flame) to Lindsay’s housewarming. Funny that the weekend West asserted himself as Amanda’s alpha, Ben lost interest in their flirtation…

Alone at last, to Amanda’s absolute horror, her and Kyle’s sober convo begins with a forced hug. Again, I’m no relationship therapist, but I’ve seen enough reality TV marriage counseling to know that hard conversations are supposed to be eased by finding common ground through physical touch. Not in this house!

Amanda does have the right to reject Kyle’s hug, though it’s then confusing that she’s shocked when Kyle insists she doesn’t want to be with him. Kyle basically begs her to admit she wants him gone, and Amanda instead deflects to his large discography of greatest hits of disrespect. If he wants her to love him, he should be nicer. If he wants her to spend time with him, he should be sober. But the Kyle that’s never been nice or one to turn down a drink senses there’s something more to her disinterest. But without following through with their familiar suggestion of relationship therapy, getting to the bottom of their problem, as opposed to the symptoms, remains an impossible task.

The end of the episode transitions to a different film — one of those 60s romcoms starring Doris Day in a stunning apartment lined in velvet. This is Lindsay’s new apartment (the one she got after her lease with Carl came to a close), and all it’s missing is her new Rock Hudson (well, you know what I mean). This is a woman who owns a Steinway, not a woman who needs a sugar daddy! It really is the heartwarming, fast-tracked, full-circle moment only reality TV can provide when Carl laughs at “little pieces of memories” in the home his absence manifested instead of crying.

Best SUMMER HOUSE Performance Of The Week:

Lindsay’s Piano Player⭐⭐⭐⭐/5

She had the girls gagged, honey!

Outstanding SUMMER HOUSE Flop Of The Week:

West ⭐/5

I like my projection in a movie theatre, not in grown folks’ marriages.

I’d Like To Thank Andy…

For the ability to pick the cameras back up. Do it, I dare you!

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Andrew Joseph Cohen, you’ve done it again. Why is it that when Andy teases a jaw-dropping episode, half the time, it’s disappointing? Like that feeling you get when you ask for something super specific for Christmas and your parents manage to buy something just off enough to send you into a spoiled brat spiral. Kyle’s late-night mouth is unacceptable, but at this point, it leaves me unfazed because it’s merely a second take of a scene we’ve seen many times before. If I’m ready for his next act, I can only imagine how Amanda feels.

SUMMER S10 E8

Rated R for Resentment

Genre: Time Travel Fix-It Film

Starring: Wesley Stripes, Karma Brown, Kyle’s portable speaker

Rating: ⭐⭐.5/5 stars

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Act 1: What Happens at Night

The episode opens with Amanda making great strides in dispelling rumors that she and Ben have a vibe by casually asking him whether he chokes people during sex. You know, platonic post-game bar talk! Kyle was doing so well at dinner, chiming in as the resident white male ally, but his goodwill got left at the broken door.

His simmering feelings of neglect (”I don’t know how to explain just how isolated and alone I feel by my wife.”) had a shot at inducing sympathy; Kyle’s not wrong when he notes Amanda’s precision at punctuating banter with her bros with jabs at her husband so much so that I can’t imagine it took the editors more than a few minutes to make the flashback real proving such. But instead of letting the music blasting from his portable speaker die and pulling Amanda to the side, Kyle opts to fling out a “fuck you” that stuns the group into silence. Maybe Kyle should sample the Hamptons crickets for his next banger. Or better yet, stop sandwiching every moment of the night with an unconsented DJ set.

That West is once again put in the unlikely position of a relationship therapist shows just how dicey the doggy parents’ marriage has become. After comforting Amanda in the bathroom Hannah Berner once boned in (sorry to remind you), West tries getting Kyle, who can barely string a sentence together, to apologize. Kyle doesn’t want to undo the “fuck you” because “that’s how [he] felt.” You can’t clock him for inconsistency, even under the influence.

It’s hard to hear Amanda consider 10 years of drunken dysfunction the best she can ever do. It triggers the female urge to shake her through the screen, wipe her tears, and then physically reposition her in the direction of the Australian man with visceral reactions to her pheromones.

Act 2: Room

The next morning, while Amanda puts on a brave face, everyone else is perturbed (yes, I’ll acknowledge good word choice when I see it) about their fallout last night. It’s interesting that Mia and Ciara can so clearly see it’s not working for their friends after years of red flags piling up like landfills, but can’t recognize that West and Ciara’s overly complex situationship is akin to the seeds of how Amanda found herself in this marriage in the first place.

Never one to enter a scene and not steal it, Lindsay plants next week’s melodrama: according to Bailey, Dara went into Ben’s room — for an hour — and came out with different clothes last time she was at the house! The news could’ve knocked poor KJ’s wave cap off, who was already nervous about reintroducing her as his lady. In all fairness, this is a lot less salacious than Jesse’s missing socks after toe-suck gate, considering Dara was wearing an elaborate Ren Faire corset gown at the time that needed changing. But even Toe-Gate was only 37 minutes. What could she have possibly been doing in there, with Ben, for so long?

The obvious implication is something naughty, and frankly, I don’t believe Ben definitely wouldn’t have tried it. Dara is his type (check the receipts). But why would Dara, savvy social media star that she is, bother lying when there are tapes to roll back?

Act 3: This Is The End

By the bar, Kyle and Carl try to coach KJ on how to tune out the noise relationships always face when they enter the SUMMER HOUSE, because those who can’t do teach. Amanda seems suddenly inspired to genuinely make Kyle’s birthday amazing, maybe because deep down she knows it’s the last one she’ll ever have to throw him. Across the lawn, the rest of the crew is failing to help Amanda because they’re too busy talking about her perturbing (!) marriage.

Ciara certainly thinks that’s possible when she drops the S word in front of the boys. The notion of Amanda and Kyle separating instead of rolling around their mutual resentment like pigs in slop is a brilliant idea, not a novel one. As Ciara jokes in her future REAL HOUSEWIVES audition reel (confessional), this rug is way too bumpy for everyone to walk all over anymore.

Kyle can’t copy Amanda’s cool mask after last night. “I’m like the worst version of myself this summer,” he laments to camera. Behavior wise, we’ve actually seen Kyle do much worse (the first time he was caught calling Amanda a bitch on camera, it was at the top of his lungs, for example). But the fact that this time he’s feeling the self-awareness of his destruction in real time shows he’s on the same subconscious page as his wife after all: this is the end. It’s only a little bit funny thanks to the fact that Nina, the makeup artist, is making him look like an old(er) man as he has this revelation with Carl and his green crocs.

Act 4: Back To The Future

With Ciara’s words of encouragement ringing in his ears, KJ talks to Dara about the rumor. Their conversation is the healthiest interaction between the sexes all season. Dara denies the accusation entirely, saying Ben wasn’t there, and if he had been, she would’ve had no reason not to tell KJ about the time spent getting to know him. Their potential beef is squashed, but Bailey has some serious ‘splaining to do next weekend.

I was impressed by Carl’s Renaissance staging, but this Hamptons old folks home is a series high in costuming. Amanda truly did an immaculate job of accidentally coordinating her own Ghost of Christmas Future reckoning. This party has become the turning point at which she can either stay true to a man who might be having meltdowns in the nursing home cafeteria or move on. The elderly aesthetic only adds to the tiring mental time travel she has to now use to decide if this is how she wants her future to be.

Ciara’s overcommitment to reigning as the costume queen does come off to some viewers as the hottest girl you know fishing for a cheap laugh by not being hot for like two seconds (of no fault of her own, really, just the price of looking like a model). The revival of Karma Brown, though, is a level of character storytelling that will go down in the SUMMER HOUSE history books. Nina needs an Oscar for turning Kyle into the version of himself he claims he wants to start planning for, but can’t stay out of the clerb to do.

During the party, West does something he usually seems deathly allergic to: saying it with his chest. He asks Jesse if he’s ever seen Kymanda truly “make sense” in the three years they’ve known them, after Jesse clutches his pearls over Ciara’s suggestion of separation. (Obligatory moment of gratitude that Jesse doesn’t wear pearls, like Kory.) Most viewers’ answer would be a resounding no, and that’s over 10 seasons, so Jesse’s rose colored glasses about how married couples behave really highlight the difference between him and West. Jesse does clowney out of ignorance; West, evidently, knows better.

And he’s a bit of a movie buff, himself! Comparing Kyle’s Cartier guilt gift to Leo’s placating super yacht after a sex bender in WOLF OF WALLSTREET…oh, this reunion is set up to be five stars, baby.

Best SUMMER HOUSE Performance Of The Week:

West ⭐⭐⭐/5

Gotta say, the Jordan Belfort slander gagged me. How much are they drinking before filming those interviews, and can it be more?

Outstanding SUMMER HOUSE Flop Of The Week:

Kyle ⭐.5/5

Boring, lazy, sloppy.

I’d Like To Thank Andy…

The little cameras that are going to clear up this whole KJ/Dara/Ben mess.

I consider watching SUMMER HOUSE an act of sustainable conservation at this point, the way these crazy kids recycle decomposing relationships. Prayerfully, none of the SUMMER HOUSE couples possess the toxic recurrence of say, Taylor and Dakota. But, man, do they love spinning the block on situationships that simply won’t work (and yes, that’s including the one bound by marriage, bless them both).

SUMMER HOUSE S10 E7

Rated N for but Now we said it

Genre: Family Drama

Starring: KJ’s newsboy cap, West’s roaming hand, and Amanda’s lychee martini

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐/5 stars

Act 1: Truth Or Dare

The midseason marker starts with spin the bottle, and for a second, I’m confused if I’m watching LOVE ISLAND. My BTS intuition tells me the producers pushed the ridiculous antic because their talent got just drunk enough to see it through. When I’m really locking in on my tin hat expertise, I suspect the entire bit was concocted (by either producers or the powers that be in the group) to see if they could get West and Ciara to now kith. Either way, I bet the Bravo gods were so pissed when the will they won’t they duo (that everyone needs to be asking should they) were not selected by fate to suck face by fortune.

West’s digits are the biggest scene-stealer (he could lowkey use the footage to audition for The Thing in the next ADDAMS FAMILY). Ciara is clearly uncomfortable as his hand hovers on her waist; her body language makes that clear, but it’s unclear if that’s because it’s happening on main or happening at all. West is evidently not present on planet earth after day drinking at the winery (something he admits the morning after), but sometimes a blackout man’s actions are a sober man’s ill-advised reheated nachos. In case it wasn’t obvious, or like me, you didn’t want to accept it, these two are seriously going to do this again. Sigh.

The only thing more unappealing is apparently kissing Kyle Cooke, because based on his excitement at finally getting one from Amanda, it must not happen often. Kyle confirms as much in his confessional. His melodramatic song and dance over basic physical touch indicates an icked-out limbo at home that you kind of have to pity, for both of their sake.

Ben and Bailey’s relationship is the only one to get some firm closure. After their MO dare, Bailey definitively decides her crush is dead, and there’s nothing Ben’s weaponized Australian smolder can do about it.

Act 2: The Time Traveler’s Wife

In Act 2, Bailey continues to make shit happen by inviting Carl to lunch in the city, a scene so rudely cut (likely in the hopes of pressuring the audience to tune into Secrets Revealed. Not in this house!). But Bailey’s hutzpah is why she’s not getting edited out, like Levi. Also in the city, KJ and Dara go all MILLION DOLLAR BABY at a gym that feels like an unsolicited reminder Rumble is a thing.

Across town, in Kymanda’s noticeably pristine kitchen (the slob allegations will not prosper!), the couple shows off the other side of their relationship that is not arguing: awkward bumbling through basic relationship stuff that’s bafflingly not come up before. Amanda asking, “How long are we doing this DJ thing for?” feels eerily reminiscent of when they talked about kids, and Kyle was shocked to find his wife had apathy toward their hypothetical parenthood. Probably because Kyle has, against better judgment, made DJing his new baby like a 20-something frat bro. Loverboy debt aside (something that feels like a typical thing a spouse might downplay out of shame), how in the world are these two avoiding hard conversations about Kyle’s very public hobby he’s been posting about 24/7 for over two years now?

On the ride up the next weekend, Carl narrates the mere flashback (again, rude) of his not-date with Bailey, where he coaches her through flirting, like the blind leading the blind. In a similar display of irony, Amanda gives Mia advice in their car about the validity of being frustrated but proud (surely she knows her relationship indicates an unhealthy bias to the former). Relatedly, Amanda admits her dynamic with Kyle is “hit or miss,” but she’s “willing to put on a good face” to keep him in a good mood on his birthday so everyone can have fun. Convincingly acting like things are okay versus trying to make them even a little bit better for real is superfluous evidence that, for Amanda, this is a relationship worth live autopsying but not saving.

Act 3: Love?! Actually?!?!

Kyle (who notably arrives in a separate car from Amanda) explains that his Peter Pan origins stem from a grandma who insisted age is just a number on her birthday. I support Grandma Cooke’s classic sentiment, but Kyle might be deeping the notion that age is a meaningless stopwatch too much. Age is one of the few indicators of wisdom if you’re living to become your best self over time. Mother Hubbard and her bob are back for his celebratory weekend, with more enthusiasm than Amanda, who greets her birthday boy with a chaste peck. Ciara and Lindsay had more sexual tension with Lindsay’s accidental ass grab fr.

After a passively aggressive, playful meet-cute with Lindsay upon arrival, Carl has to go upstairs to recenter his chi. Carl acknowledges to KJ that he is far too sensitive (esp about a woman who wouldn’t consider his feelings if they were on fire) and that is half the battle with moving on.

Downstairs, Mia is sharing big thoughts about West’s alleged big feelings about Ciara. I’d like to formally declare it her first really wrong take on camera! I’m paraphrasing the Apostle Paul when I say love does not need seven Loverboys to come out through a drunken backrub. Love doesn’t speak with sheepish eye contact and mumbled words when it’s caught in a bind. Love does not take three summer solstices to consider you. Seeing the girls feed into a door of delusion to be left open is worse than when the ship-crazy Bravo fandom swears West and Ciara are star-crossed lovers on Twitter, given they see every sign of the contrary in person.

Act 4: One Battle After Another

The episode’s climax kicks off with Kissaki product placement that I’m sure will bring out all the influencers next season. Lindsay clarifies to Carl’s face at the table that she didn’t give him two thumbs down to Bailey, she rather said he will never fulfill you sexually, know that. This is in no way better than Carl’s previous understanding (and he insists he’s still the best she’s ever had, sorry Turner), but it’s so much better for our entertainment.

More of the worst person in the house to be giving advice on a certain subject doing just that: Jesse advises KJ to take it slow with Dara without recognizing that KJ is putting his money where his mouth is. This leads to a larger conversation about how Jesse used Ciara for “collateral” with Lexi (which, again, no one gave Lexi a modicum of credit for compassionately pointing out last year, but sure, fine, whatever.) Then the whacking moves on to the West, as Ciara breaks the fourth wall to explain the position she put him in by playing her that hard on a national stage i.e., the specific embarrassment of looking like a simp for a mid white dude as a beautiful black woman.

Amidst the conversation, Kyle practically panhandles for a sip of Amanda’s lychee martini, and if snippy comments could freeze, that man would’ve instantly gotten hypothermia. It instantly reminded me of the fact that sharing drinks can be a scientific sign of sexual interest, because it shows willingness to swap DNA. BTW, it’s not that Amanda doesn’t have a right to be annoyed with Kyle, because frankly, Kyle acts very annoyingly almost all the time. But where is the point when you have to let the mouse go when you willingly married it?

Meanwhile, in camera one, West completes an impossible mission: making eye contact while saying sorry. Barely. He apparently did not consider the level of scrutiny Ciara would get as a black woman and, at the time, the only black cast member, for getting involved in his Caucasian nonsense. Truthfully, West isn’t the only reason Ciara catches these allegations. It started with Austen, barely dipped into Kory, and continued now with West and even Jesse. None of these men ever had the right to make Ciara feel objectified, experienced, or left hung out to dry in the public eye. So hate online for the less-than-flattering optics may have overshadowed the section of the fandom that finds it hard to watch for her sake. As a black woman, endless rejection, especially from privileged peers, does a lively number on the psyche.

Ciara’s pattern of being heartbroken or undervalued by one too many dudes who look like the Man In Finance character she dressed up as last summer looks bad, but it has to feel worse, and as an empath, I’m tired of this grandpa! Watching protagonists (even nonfictional ones) struggle on screen comes with the hope that you’ll get to see them break cycles thanks to the heightened awareness that comes from having tape to roll on their hardest moments.

Even though it seems fair, atp, to wonder if a try with a guy who shares more of her lived experience, like KJ, might leave her somewhere less discarded, it would not be any better if Ciara’s latest relationship flop were at the hands of a man of color. Her biggest battle seems to be selecting a guy who sees her worth to give her the type of relationship she wants, regardless of his race. The demographic she absolutely has to date next is a grown-up good guy.

Best SUMMER HOUSE Performance Of The Week:

Lindsay⭐⭐⭐⭐/5

From the haircut comment to the sex review, she always puts the brutal in brutal honesty.

Outstanding SUMMER HOUSE Flop Of The Week:

West ⭐/5

It’s his summer of realizing things, I guess.

I’d Like To Thank Andy…

For producers who love mess.

Unfortunately, we have to talk about Jesse Solomon’s singing career. To be clear, like many middling Bravolebrities before him, Jesse has every right to attempt becoming “the next Andy Grammer,” a goal suggested by a fan comment left under Jesse’s latest music video, which Jesse affirmed with a double-tap. But just like those other Bravolebrities of varying degrees of musicality (Kim Zolciak, Melissa Gorga, and Gretchen Rossi), the Bravoverse has every right to clown him to hell and back for his lack of sophistication in reading the room before he fills it with diaphragm belting.

Is Jesse Solomon’s music good?

@jessesols

Jesse Solomon on Instagram: "After some serious consideration a…

It’s not that Jesse sounds bad. The tone of his voice is pleasant enough to suffice for any lounge on the wrong side of the George Washington. It’s just that attempting to take on the barren landscape of male pop by bringing back a genre best identified as 2012 AMERICAN IDOL hits begs the question, who is this for, and are they alright? That he didn’t throw on pearls and West’s pleated palazzo pants to try his hand at Harry Smiles or borrow one of KJ’s bandanas and grill to become Long Island Drake is surprising (but also gratitude-worthy).

Jesse’s new track, “Guess I’ll Start,” isn’t bad as much as it is confusing. Is this really the type of music Jesse slaps on the aux on the ride out to the Hamptons? Like Jesse’s “humor” with his gal pals, I can’t tell if he’s being entirely serious, or if this is an auditory bit for clout. To launch his freshman music era (no, I’m not counting the haunting “What Would Jesse Solomon Do”) with a soft-pop haters clapback track that sounds like Comic Sans (“Everybody has got something to stay, how do any of us figure out where we’re meant to be anyway?”) is a choice.

And if I sound like one of those haters, don’t worry, Jesse don’t GAF. The caption of the West Side Highway visual reads as follows: After some serious consideration and seeing all of your feedback online, I’ve decided to say fck it and keep pursuing music aggressively.

Jesse is taking his music on his Happy To Be Here Tour, whether literally a soul that is not a cast member or blood-related, asked or not. You know why? He can! Life is too short to worry about embarrassing yourself in clubs across the contiguous US when you’re already doing it for a pretty penny on reality TV. In a world where Kyle is chasing Zedd, let Jesse Solomon try to make millennial Harry Connick Jr a thing, if only to re-banish the narrative that it’s somehow hard to be a conventionally attractive straight man.

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SUMMER HOUSE S10 E5

Rated P for Performative

Genre: Cringe Comedy

Starring: Bailey’s bad timing, Ben’s ego, Amanda’s abs, and Kyle’s financial record

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐.5/5 stars

Act 1: Sorry To Bother You

Oh good, more footage of Jesse fumbling through this apology to Ciara for tabling her autonomy! He deeply regrets “misreading the situation,” but if he thought Ciara (loud proponent of simp monogamy) wanted a drunk makeout, then he should consider getting his eyesight checked. West consoles Jesse after the daunting task of speaking in sentences that don’t end in ba-dum-tss. The way West shrugs off Ciara’s upset as a given, pushing past to check on Jesse’s (the aggressor in the situation) state of mind, is a reminder that the boys of SUMMER HOUSE will always remain mates before dates* (*Said in Ben’s Aussie accent).

Points for Ben at dinner for baiting Kyle into advancing the Soft Bar Investment (or lack thereof) storyline. Jesse, like many a broken clock up to twice a day, is right here. Kyle spending something, anything, instead of sputtering about bills he paid the previous September Spring Summer, would’ve meant a lot to Carl, who has always been there for him.

Negative points for Ben at dinner for pretending Bailey’s comment was anything other than an obvious joke with abysmal delivery. She didn’t say anything that Ben and Amanda haven’t been cheekily playing at since the moment Ben hopped on the scene like a Kangaroo (too far?). Much like a Jesse Solomon flirt, Amanda and Ben’s wink-wink nod-nod is understood to be going nowhere fast, but that doesn’t mean the performative fraternization hasn’t been happening in front of Bailey and the entire audience’s eyes. I honestly think Bailey’s polite language is what made her insinuation seem more serious. But Levi’s absolutely right, if West had groaned, “We get it, Ben, you want to have Amanda’s babies!” everyone, undoubtedly, would have laughed.

Ben’s not mad, he’s guilty, he’s not saying he doesn’t see Amanda that way, he’s worried other people see his actions as proving such, maybe because he knows he’s got a missus waiting for him on the other side of this season. His holier-than-thou dressing down of Bailey with the behavior of a titular STEP BROTHERS character playing serious adult was a laughable overreaction. If you’re going to storm off, babe, clear your path on the way in. Diva 101!

Act 2: Dangerous Flirtations

I sure wish the way the boys blindly backed each other — new cast or not — would trickle down to the women one of these years. But instead, Amanda plays both sides of the fence, a role she’s been no stranger to, given the nature of being Kyle’s wife. In her bedroom with Levi and Ciara and later Jesse, she totally agrees that Bailey’s awkward commentary is too much, and her flirting is generally uncomfortable. Except when Bailey’s tearstained face is within Amanda’s eyeline, Amanda says Ben’s the one who’s bothered, and she feels for him. When Bailey’s made a mess of macking by the pool, wasn’t Amanda right there, gassing her up instead of having her back like a real sister?

If Mia knew Ben did too much when coming for Bailey, why didn’t she say anything or check on Bailey after, instead of toodling downstairs to report her eavesdropping to the troops? Why didn’t any of the girls, other than Levi, give a damn that Bailey wasn’t going out, or try to patch things up with Ben on her behalf, knowing her harmless intentions? Will we ever see an era of SUMMER HOUSE when the women RiDe aT dAwN for a cast member that spends most of the day upright? These are the haunting questions that keep me up at night. That, and if Kyle pre-plans his Club Send set lists while issuing the Loverboy payroll, or simply freestyles it.

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Act 3: The Chair

You can tell the kids had a big night out when it takes up 3/4 of the episode! Ciara’s post-game of choice is humoring West, despite all evidence that when he gets an inch, he will take at least several laps around the pool in a ridiculous floatie. Sitting on someone to show you have a crush is the stuff middle school class clowns who rule ISS’ dreams are made of. That is to say, the shoe fits. Everybody wants this when it comes to these two getting back together, except viewers with more long-term memory and less Loverboy in their system.

The next day, the gang shakes off the hangover at the vineyard, a place that is different than a winery because of the, well, vines. Amanda jokes (...) that Kyle’s performative Cartier at dinner was more of a gift for him than her, and that even though she’s going to leave him, in the words of Nene Leakes, she still gotta get that watch! They say there’s a little truth in every joke, but I’m wondering if there’s actually any joke in that truth? As a judicious consumer of SheraSeven core, I have no problem with the notion, BTW, especially since she picked it out.

Act 4: The Jinx

In the B-scene of the winery moment, Ben reveals the big mystery as to why he is single, and it turns out it’s the answer for most men: he wants to be! Call me crazy, but the girl they show as his called-off fling looks a lot like his current girlfriend. If so, she did, in fact, wait for him, which is unsurprising given the New York City dating pool is about as polluted as the Hudson and would also add context to why she’s so seriously marked her territory all over their socials.

I cannot be the only one who felt the rush of Robert Durst accidentally confessing in THE JINX when Amanda says ON CAMERA “but we have to wear clothes!” about their jump into the pool. Surely, she forgot she was miced in the moment. And then they callously laugh, “Don’t let Bailey hear that!” ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH YOUR MATE’S MISSUS, YES OR NO?

Are KJ and Dara still together?

This current-day snap of the pair (with KJ wearing a fit inspired by ONE BATTLE meets BARBERSHOP) says yes. KJ is the loverboy West could be with, IDK, a sprinkle of discipline. I love watching a new relaysh play out on camera, but, sigh, I miss the days when Bravo banned social media so it wasn’t so spoiled before the end of the season.

West ends the episode by lamenting to Ben how he misses Ciara but doesn’t know what to do about it. Given his propensity to rendezvous her only rears its head after sundown (according to Ciara!), I’d think the best thing to do (after a year of fraught distance) would be to drunk dial someone else on the roster until you sober up. But old habits and young love (I’m being generous) dies hard.

Best SUMMER HOUSE Performance Of The Week:

Ciara ⭐⭐⭐.5/5

I gotta give it to her, she made her rounds this week, including being the first girl to check on Bailey, but actively ignoring her soft spot for a dude who woos with his undercarriage.

Outstanding SHOW NAME Flop Of The Week:

Ben ⭐.5/5

Don’t start no goo goo eyes at your mate’s missus, won’t be no banter about goo goo eyes at your mate’s missus.

I’d Like To Thank Andy…

For finally showing Levi again. She’s delightful!

We all have that childhood nostalgia flick that feels like a fever dream when trying to explain it to someone else. THE BLACK CAULDRON is one of mine, but in case it’s not yours, the underrated early Disney animation is officially described as a fantasy set “in the land of Prydain,” where “lowly pig herder Taran dreams of becoming a gallant knight.” Eventually, Taran “receives his heroic calling when the evil Horned King kidnaps Hen Wen, a prophesying pig that had been entrusted to Taran.”

Taran was goodhearted but a bit goofy, a side foiled in his ridiculously silly sidekick, Gurgi (a kooky animal of questionable origin). We do, thankfully, know what species the men of SUMMER HOUSE belong to, yet sometimes their behavior comes across just as ditzy as the animated furball’s (a word I feel comfortable using, given Jesse Solomon identified it as a standout trait of Lexi Wood before dating her for several months).

In episode 5, West and Jesse’s epic fumbling of their friend’s feelings comes full circle from their last dramatic summer. A summer, mind you, where these exact concerns about Jesse’s objectification never got their full due.

SUMMER HOUSE S10 E5

Rated F for Full Circle

Genre: Historical Friction

Starring: West’s limp sword, Jesse falling on it, and Ciara’s real feelings

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐/5 stars

Act 1: The Last Duel

This week, loyal steeds of the Bravoverse are ushered into a fantastical kingdom where Loverboy flows like mede and adult men possess the spritely spirit of youth, although that happens every week.

Following Carl’s ceremonious announcement at the stairs, the Ren Faire festivities begin. The house is gussied up in chainmail and milkmaid dresses for the occasion. Amanda sports a goat prosthetic because, yes, sure, goats existed at the time, and Ciara risks heat stroke for the clout that comes with dressing like a giant rat for the Bravo fandom. Rats weren’t even the main ring leader of the plague, but whatever.

Lindsay, keeping brand consistency in an Evil Queen aesthetic, wastes little time carrying thee bone of last week back to Ciara: Jesse seriously asked West permission for an unserious makeout with her. As the gravity of such an unworthy proposition settles in, you can almost see the scenes of Jesse’s douchey schmoozing and West’s back-burnering over the previous summers flashing through Ciara’s mind. Call it Eternal Floptime.

In a break from the emotion of Ciara’s epiphany (guided by Mia’s much-needed no-nonsense), Bailey takes on the role of comedic relief. Her “truly uncomfortable” flirtation feels like the beginning of the nerd-makeover romcom trope, except no one, including Amanda, is attempting to help the poor lady find her romantic sea legs! How can Stella get her groove back when she’s spinning herself into a punchline at the popcorn machine?

Sometimes I’m really not joking when I say Bravo is Cinema, and West and Jesse misogyny-lite jousting for Ciara’s maidenhood is very much one of those times. I can almost feel the Hamptons heat beating down the back of my neck as the camera zips between the boys’ testosterone-heavy chest beating over to Ciara’s tears. West’s boozy declaration (”He has permission!”) is an act-a-fool act-out if I’ve ever seen one.

Act 2: The Dark Knight

West and Jesse end their face-off with a kiss, another case of straight dudes kissing on Bravo that (unfortunately) misses the mark for good old-fashioned homoeroticism. But there is barely-buried sexual tension between KJ and Dara. Switching earrings isn’t weird; it’s weirdly intimate, creating the easy connection this group dynamic needs now more than ever.

While it’s hard to watch Ciara cry at the hands of a dude who expresses his sexuality through his eyebrows, it’s heartening to see her acknowledge that Jesse’s cartoonish flattery is not unconditionally flattering. Jesse has been indiscriminately unleashing his relentless brand of “Can I get a hug?” humor since his arrival in the Hamptons. Though it’s now finally landing wrong with Ciara, the truth is, Lexi Wood was the first to call out his bit as weirdo behavior.

Back then, none of the women (Paige, Amanda, nor Ciara) bothered to validate Lexi, but something was always strange about Jesse’s determination to constantly employ his female castmates as sentient punchlines for sexual ribbing. Maybe because there’s a little bit of truth in every joke, and their acceptance was always, unwittingly or otherwise, a questionable stream of validation for a grown ass man with every opportunity to make a real move if he wanted to.

“I just feel like everyone wants to experience me,” Ciara admits in her confessional, as opposed to forming a real relationship. Oh, Messy Jesse King Solomon, the town square (Bravo Twitter) will be hearing about this. But first, Ben makes a valiant attempt to steal Dara’s attention at the party, showing genuine interest for the first time. But, like a woman who knows how to enjoy a good courting, Dara gives nothing away.

Act 3: Princess Pied

As the weekend comes to a close, Jesse picks up Ciara’s less-than-pleased energy. I continue to resent the boys’ implication that it’s “scary” to be on her bad side, even if I recognize it’s because their preferred version of verbal accountability (as we saw in the pool last week) is eye-contact-less half-baked observations. Jesse tells the cameras that he feels like, no matter what happens, he always messes up. This vulnerability should be empathy-inducing, at least on the face of it.

But it’s a statement more fitting of a much younger lad, stumbling through different, well-intentioned approaches to dating. As opposed to coming from a 31-year-old adult male who repeatedly wraps selfish tomfoolery in a big toothed smile. Are we supposed to shed a tear as Jesse puppy dogs in the driveway (dressed like he’s off to Mar-A-Lago, for whatever reason), passively watching Ciara flee on her steed instead of addressing the issue?

KJ, on the other hand, nervous or not, knows how to make a conversation happen. In the city, he reveals he’s been texting and FaceTiming with Dara all week (!), which is why they’re meeting up for a date. A real drinks date, within seven business days of meeting? Unheard of chivalry in the modern dating scene, only compounded by how smoothly KJ guillotines Ben’s chances to stake his claim in the process.

Act 4: Game Of Nos

There’s a lot of fodder about how SUMMER HOUSE used to showcase city slickers’ weekend debauchery, but the producers have given us city life every episode of season 10. This week, it continues with Carl, who, despite Lindsay’s doubts making him feel high school, has been in Brooklyn trying to create an NA lounge that can survive in this economy. When Ben stops by to check out SoftBar, Carl divulges that Kyle has not been financially supportive. This is even though Carl, at the height of his More Life mischief, scrounged up $15K to invest in Loverboy.

In the boys’ car out to the Hamptons the following weekend, KJ gossips about his dating sitch with Dara, something I fear he may need to be more careful of with this group (namely, pot-stirring town crier, Kyle Cooke) if he wants it to last. Ben proclaims he’s not miffed about being bested. Knowing that in the offscreen present Ben is deeply wifed up with a woman fond of collaborative couple’s content really took the sails out of this discourse, anyway.

Levi and Bailey are the first to arrive in the rainstorm, perfectly setting the spooky vibes for their well-planned hijink. It’s the stupid brilliance of their plant prank that keeps a show like SUMMER HOUSE so light amid the drama. Which quickly follows when Jesse pulls Ciara for a chat (who is surely intentionally dressed on theme in a Boys Lie pullover).

Jesse’s apology, totally couched in the boys’ interpretation of Ciara’s feelings — rather than asking her how she feels — is expectedly underwhelming. He wastes time defending why he went to West first, not knowing that’s only the face of the problem. Yes, what he needed to ask West for was a blessing, not permission (two very different things), but the deeper issue is how his insensitivity triggered Ciara’s insecurity that she’s not worthy of a real relationship.

Admittedly, this is something Ciara needs to resolve within herself. But that doesn’t make it any less obvious that there are more goofy sidekicks than knights in shining armor in this Hamptons castle. Ciara does well in tabling Jesse’s dueling feelings by friend-zoning him (prayerfully in the name of the ancestors and all that is holy) for good.

Best SUMMER HOUSE Performance Of The Week:

Lindsay ⭐⭐⭐⭐/5

Two weeks running, Lindsay made time between Facetimes with Gemma to move the house’s story forward. She didn’t even break a sweat doing it. It would’ve been five stars if she’d gotten activated, for old time’s sake.

Outstanding SUMMER HOUSE Flop Of The Week:

Levi ⭐⭐⭐/5

I can’t recall a singular sentence uttered by Levi, like, ever, come to think of it, and her absence amongst the newbies has grown conspicuous. To make a grand re-entrance covered in plastic plants — breaking out of her wall-flower status with literal flair — was my kind of irony. Go, Levi, give us something!

I’d Like To Thank Andy…

For whoever on production floated Carl the cash to make this party pop. Seriously, one of the most memorable SUMMER HOUSE themed bangers, ever.

Don’t for a second think THIRST GAMES is an insult: like a moth to a flame, such is palpable thirst to any good summer. Dissecting the art of the zillenial flirt is one of the longstanding joys of partaking in SUMMER HOUSE because it comes in so many shapes and sizes. You have Kyle’s brand of frat star flexing, Lindsay’s cougar prowl (she’s always been distinctly feline in approach regardless of age), and Jesse’s Fabio meets fuck boy glomming on (last week I told TikTok he sprays pheremones like Pepe Le Pew, and the statement stands).

Watching this cast’s tipsy liaisons is like Animal Planet for nosey neighbors who are too lazy to be out Hamptons whoring (Amanda’s words!) themselves. It feels so good to be back in the jungle.

SUMMER HOUSE S10 E4

Rated F for Flirty

Genre: Romantic Comedy

Starring: DJ Kyle Cooke, Gemma’s mom, a Gen-Z Michael Bublé impersonator, and Ben’s blue eyes

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐.5/5 stars

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Act 1: Dawn Of The Dead

The episode opens with the ultimate comfort watch: hungover people recapping the night (without actually having to endure the hangover oneself). Naturally, the happy vibes at redneck casserole breakfast dissipate with a quick cut to Amanda and Kyle marriage counseling each other in the closet. Kyle gives what feels like his first heartfelt apology of the season: he’s sorry for being “the drunkest he’s been in a year,” last night, but it helped him realize he’s “not good.” Amanda pushes past the drinking (well, only after getting her little dig in) to tackle the root of their issue: they are not communicating as partners, through bad or good. Instead, Kyle feels emotionally abandoned while Amanda feels her presence is perceived as too miserable to penetrate. It’s clear as day to anyone looking from the outside in that this marriage is a deep breath away from needing life-saving resuscitation.

In the city (location switch!) Ben’s singles mixer ensues. And, I must admit, West raises a good point: an Australian guy with blue eyes doesn’t need help finding a date in New York. So what is Ben’s deal? And why won’t the producers give him one single interview so we can find out? For now, Ben is restricted to Bailey’s female gaze. Bailey sings Ben’s praises to anyone who will listen (except Ben). When the two wifed of the bunch, Mia and Amanda, try to coach her on how to spit game, Bailey admits she believes Ben’s too good for her, and to that point, is worried she’s not good enough for this group. What a number that toxic relationship with Sweetgreen did on this nouveau fashionista’s confidence! Round out an exciting first act, West introduces another fumbled hottie as a friend of the cast, Dara.

Act 2: My Best Friend’s Girl

If you were under the impression that Kyle skipped the singles party out of respect for his marriage, expect less from the Kymanda unit. Kyle DJed through the pain at an away game, without Amanda by his side, to his dismay. Because if playing groupie on C-tier tour stops is “what it takes” to save their marriage, it’s a no for Amanda. The sentiment stands, apparently, even when Kyle’s TWO-HOUR show is in the Hamptons, where the gang’s returned for regularly scheduled shenanigans. This man is already broaching Scorcese feature-length liberties on his DJ set? Oh, to be an influencer who can front the cost of DJ equipment.

Lindsay, with all of the confidence Bailey feels she’s lacking and then some, gets to work unwrapping the Benigma in the kitchen. They don’t immediately feel like a romantic fit (it’s apparent Hubbhouse would devour him in one bite, like many of her previously unsuccessful male suitors), but I’m so grateful one of the ladies is actively trying. Do we get to hear how Ben feels about this? Nope! Producers said read between his blue eyes.

Later, Jesse shares, to the shock of literally no one with a pulse, that he’s interested in more than caricaturish flirting with Ciara: he might be open to dating her (or probs just a drunken makeout thing, as he downplays it). Given the fantastic fallout between West and Ciara, surely, West’s bestie will approach this topic with humility and grace, right? Wrong! Instead of a one-on-one worthy of tense instrumentals, but ending in a man hug, Jesse plants the seed as locker room chat in front of all of the boys in bed.

Act 3: Sliding Doors

In an eerie reenactment of many Bravoholics’ sleep paralysis demonic encounters, I’m sure, Jesse Solomon does the honor of introducing Kyle’s DJ set during the night out. It’s funny to think there is a parallel timeline in which Amanda is in the crowd, blacked out in support. But in this one, she’s in bed (along with Levi, who is quickly slipping through the stacked cast cracks).

Lindsay arrives home from the rave all smiles, eons away from another alternative universe where she’s again fighting with Carl in the back of a Lyft. She’s much better off carefully planting those ridiculous (genius) cardboard cutouts with Mia.

Ciara and Jesse arrive home with the last of the bunch, and are the first to go to bed — separately, even though in Jesse’s fantasy world, they might be going to bed together. But instead, the boys are downstairs unpacking how weird it is that Jesse asked West permission to reheat his romantic nachos, when the only logical choice ATP would be to request forgiveness. Kyle, Ben, and KJ don’t think Ciara would actually go for it, but the fact that Jesse thinks he has a chance speaks volumes to his delusion, her indulgence, or both.

Act 4: That Awkward Moment

Bailey tries to flirt with Ben…by asking Ben if he thinks she knows how to flirt (21 seconds after a deliberate attempt, as the editors aptly remind). It’s an endearing and relatable voluntary friendzoning that is a canon event, though Amanda really would be doing her a solid by interfering instead of egging it on.

In climactic build-up before the episode’s end, Carl set dresses the house for next week’s Renaissance party. Lindsay, never one to be a supporting character regardless of her screentime, gets the goss from West about Jesse and calls it by its name. Jesse is calling dibs on Ciara, a gross repeat behavior of his, but is he doing it this time because he’s caught real feelings? Being honest that he was never joking about Ciara being wife material last summer would actually be welcome character development from Jesse’s haha jk unless playbook.

But he peels back a cloyingly cringe layer instead: Jesse writes a song when he gets a new crush, and then immediately sends said musical masterpiece to become the soundtrack of their romance. A moment of silence for all the women who have heard Jesse’s “little piano” over voice note.

In the pool with West, Jesse tries to make his case for the Ciara makeout by continuing to hide behind the bit of it all. Unfortunately, his subterfuge is as successful as a three-year-old playing hide-and-seek in a new-money Real Housewife’s mansion. The tension could just about sink the pool floatie. So, West uses Ben as a shield for his own reservations, landing on the awkies truth that some people might call Jesse a weirdo or a dickhead (why not both?) for moving so messy. I think the most astute label might be pro bono court jester.

Best SUMMER HOUSE Performance Of The Week:

Lindsay ⭐⭐⭐⭐/5

She came, she gossiped, she conquered, and she didn’t let those Australian dimples go to waste.

Outstanding SHOW NAME Flop Of The Week:

Jesse ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐/5

“Secretly, I want you so bad / But we’ve always just been friends. [Forgets the words], but once I say this, we can never go back.” I am shaking. This is hard to watch and yet impossible to look away from, a glorious lane of reality TV.

I’d Like To Thank Andy…

Music licensing rights are annoying until they save you from a nonconsensual DJ set.

Not to bring Jean-Luc Goddard into Bravo discourse, but, you know, I will. When Kyle and Amanda announced their separation, I assumed things got bad on camera. I did not assume we’d be immediately immersed in a millennial remake of J-LG’s CONTEMPT, where Paul Javal’s artistically corrupt screenwriter is replaced by a DJ with an attention deficit, and Brigitte Bardot’s disillusioned wife is reimagined as a disillusioned wife with a penchant for doomscrolling TikTok.

I would no longer classify Kyle and Amanda’s breakup as a car crash in slow motion; it’s a meltdown Bravo is airing drip by drip. I’m eating every awkward moment up, but am I too ambitious for wanting to see a little more of the other zillion zillenials filming this show also?! Don’t get me wrong, my favorite episode of THE OFFICE is “Dinner Party,” but that didn’t go on for 120 minutes, and Kyle Cooke isn’t as dynamic as Steve Carell. I’m officially impatiently waiting for summer to at least be a little more fun. Let’s get creative and IDK, show Ben’s abs or something, just spitballing here!

SUMMER HOUSE S10 E3

                                                        Rated D for Dunzo

                                                      Genre: Family Drama

                 Starring: Kyle’s pout, KJ’s backwards hat, and Carl’s sunscreen

                                                      Rating: ⭐⭐⭐/5 stars

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Act 1: The Passion Of The Kyle

Welcome to part two of Kyle’s crucifixion. Just for clarification, in Kyle’s world, the violent public humiliation practice is akin to his friends snickering while he stumbles through a performative apology. Kyle only half-committed to his dramatic storm-off, knocking over an idle painting and quickly taking refuge on the plastic chairs by the broken front door, as if even he isn’t buying his open table apology, which was a second take, mind you, as the editors showed. Carl goes out to give Kyle the attention he wanted. Is there anything more ouch than when a friend tells you they have no friends while you’re comforting them? What is Carl, chopped wedding officiant liver?

But no matter how sorry he is, staying home won’t fix things (it’s literally what Amanda’s been begging for in every previous season, but whatever), so Kyle tells Amanda he’s heading out. Which Amanda is used to because she always goes to sleep alone, according to her recollection. And every night this week that she’s rested her presumably unwashed head on her presumably dirty pillow case (Kyle’s recollection), she did so without an apology from her husband for the previous weekend. Once Kyle realizes Amanda is not going to acquiesce to his belated apology, he flips it right back on her: maybe if she weren’t too busy ingesting the devil’s lettuce, he could emotionally fulfill her. The urgency with which Amanda insists on setting the record straight (she does not smoke until she’s walked the dogs) seems too mother to be false.

After Kyle goes, Amanda still can’t sleep because she’s too worried about him bullying their future children, or worse, a future where she can’t find somebody else to fulfill that dream, a ledge Ciara immediately talks her off of. Meanwhile, Kyle washes away the blood from his crown of thorns by dropping unironic DJisms, cannonballing into the pool, and sweating out the hanxiety on a run the next morning. Oh, to be a Hamptons local driving past Kyle Cooke, hitting the pavement after a long night at Common Ground instead of finding common ground with his wife.

More male suffering continues in the barely nurtured B Story: poor Jesse Solomon has been single for so long, and he can’t find love, even though he’s admittedly not looking for it (?). No, his full-court press lovebombing of Lexi Wood last summer doesn’t count, duh. I choose to sense by Mia’s silence that she’s not buying his casually-dreaming-of-settling-down act. Not when that might ruin Jesse’s favorite summer pastime, objectifying his female housemates.

Act 2: Point Break

The second act kicks off with some delicious foreshadowing. Amanda complains that the boys will never fight — that is, until whatever sets off the testosterone between Kyle and Carl goes down in a future episode.

At the beach day, maybe tellingly, Kyle seeks advice from West (not Carl). To be fair, none of his friends on the sand are exactly relationship experts, and even West can understand why Amanda wasn’t partial to a crowdfunded apology about spilling their most intimate relationship issues. Kyle barely keeps this note in mind when he announces an invitation to Amanda to join him at the Apology Dune. This is not LOVE ISLAND sir, you don’t have to bid for a chat.

At the Apology Dune, shit gets real for Kymanda. Again. Honestly, it’s never been realer, despite the fact that they’re about to have a dialed-up iteration of the same argument they’ve been having since season 2. Amanda wants Kyle to respect their relationship more than his right to party, and Kyle wants compatibility, intimacy, and personality (OUCH) to keep him home in the first place. He’s disturbed that Amanda would think she is in charge of assigning where her resentment lies, on national television no less, and instead declares the dissolution of the common interests that they once shared (partying), the problem. But they’re actually saying different sides of the same coin: Kyle is not interested in this boring Amanda, Amanda is not interested in this drunk Kyle, and the audience is not interested in watching this sad Clash of the Titans for another minute of continuous screentime. It’s a total impasse.

Act 3: Twenty Seconds Without War

Kyle’s tantrum has now spanned three acts. He baptizes himself in the unholy Hamptons water (Alex McCord is somewhere on an Australian beach shaking) to help him realize he has to make a genuine apology if he wants to make headway with his wife. Or keep this showing moving along. Not sure which is most top of mind. But the truth is, by the end of their huddle, nothing has changed. That’s because Amanda insists Kyle change and grow, but Kyle’s most interested in changing his tracklist to grow his followers.

In her confessional, Amanda says she doesn’t know if Kyle cheated or not, and it looks like, at this point, she barely cares to find out. No kidding, they announced the separation before the show aired. With that terrifying female apathy, the secret would’ve been out, anyway.

Act 4: A Tale Of Two Cities

The episode ends with one of its strongest setups: showcasing the duality of the house. Half of the group is going out to dinner, and half stays home to order sushi. Thankfully, Kyle and Amanda take opposing teams.

The home crew comes down from an overload of vitamin D by unpacking their emotional issues through a “game”. KJ opens up about his estrangement from his unfaithful father, West dips his toe back into his Ciara situationship, and Kyle says, with a straight face, that his biggest fear is starting a family too late. This is a man who has voluntarily taken up DJing to make ends meet, when being an influencer or starting a podcast is right there.

On the other side of the peninsula, the dinner crew chugs martinis and watches the light Amanda used to love watching Kyle fill a room with leave her eyes. His sweet girl? Yeah, she’s gone.

Best SUMMER HOUSE Performance Of The Week:

Trish ⭐⭐⭐⭐/5

Just imagine what producer Trish goes through every summer as a professional emotional regulator behind the scenes. I want to know everything about her, I want to read her memoir, but from her power stance alone, I know she’s that girl.

Outstanding SUMMER HOUSE Flop Of The Week:

Jesse Solomon ⭐⭐/5

The Bravoverse is marked zero episodes safe from hearing Jesse utter an iteration of the word boobs.

I’d Like To Thank Andy…

For producers who know when to split the group up. But can they start producing other storylines with urgency, too?

During my Sunday doomscroll, I enjoyed a TikTok where a woman proudly shared her lack of sympathy in response to men’s tendency to suffer loudly through the most minor of illnesses, while doing nothing to really resolve the issue. Meanwhile women will have an imploded ovary, limb falling off, and resurfacing PTSD drop on a random Tuesday and still be like, “yeah sure I can pick up dinner on the way home!” These are obviously mass generalizations and big hyperboles, but I’ll be damned if this episode featuring Kyle and Amanda’s stage two descent to splitsville doesn’t mimic that pattern. Kyle is saying so much but doing so little to remedy their distance; Amanda is smiling (and snapping) through the pain, flexing the tolerance she’s been actively building over 10 seasons of skinny dipping and sorrys.

SUMMER HOUSE S10 E2

                                                       Rated C for Clenched

                                                      Genre: Hitman Thriller

                   Starring: Amanda’s last nerve, Lindsay’s bob, Carl’s bagel, 
                                                  and other supporting whiners

                                                       Rating: ⭐⭐⭐/5 stars

Act 1: The Invisible Man

In our opening scenes, what was poised to become the PROJECT X night out of the summer takes a sharp plot twist to a silent film about two archenemies who are openly plotting to destroy each other. After catching Kyle campaigning to the boys (and the audience) at the bar against her, Amanda calls cut on their heated rivalry before Kyle can even get to bed to restart their argument. The next morning, she transitions to a cold war; I can almost hear the thought running through her head: if Kyle feels so alone in this relationship, I might as well leave him alone, too!

In the city, Lindsay Hubbard returns, triumphant mama bear, bob and all. Lindsay’s causal whirlwind-romance-turned-co-parenting setup is fascinating (and camera-worthy, if only Turner were open to them! Collectively, we must manifest this). But she, Ciara, and Amanda only spend a few seconds reveling in the latest of Hubbhouse’s hero’s journey before Amanda drops the trailer bite heard round the world: Kyle slept at some “fan’s” couch, and, yes, it is “fucking insane.” The silliest bit of it all is that Kyle clearly fancies himself a budding Diplo (no, I’m not saying like that) and yet Diplo would never fall asleep at some random groupie’s house. Why? Professional paid partyboys don’t crash with a groupie; they bring dozens of random groupies to an exorbitantly priced hotel suite they stocked with illicit party favors ahead of time. If you’re going to be a pseudo-celebrity man about town, not being budget-movie about it feels like a key part of nailing the act.

Act 2: The Founder

Act 2 pivots to the boss babe portion of the episode. Bailey gets some interiority sans Levi by showing the Bravoverse that she isn’t just a reality star. She’s an MTV-style fashionista TikToker who made her hater (her salad ex) her motivator to get in rooms with Dianne Von Furstenberg.

Kyle continues to play the world’s smallest violin for himself, potentially as a swan song for the real love of his life, Loverboy. Apparently, the canned cocktail concoctions are experiencing a decline in distribution, which has led to a decline in profit, which has led to Kyle forgoing his salary since the previous fall. So, in Kyle’s eyes, he’s not just staying out all night as a DJ to get drunk, like Amanda has been painting it. He’s staying out all night as a DJ to get drunk and validate himself in a sector that isn’t crippled by food and beverage regulations. Maybe the fan’s couch he fell asleep on after his brother left was in contention for Loverboy’s next angel investor.

Act 3: Open Season

A new weekend arrives, and Kyle opens the episode’s approach to the “All is lost” portion of the flick (mirroring the “all is lost” vibes of his marriage) by jokingly (not at all jokingly) begging Amanda to remember she has him in the house, even when Ciara’s not there. “I keep forgetting!” she giggles back. In a brilliant setup of irony, Kyle will soon wish his wife had forgotten his existence entirely.

Before that, Ciara introduces her friend and new cast member, Mia. Mia has the vintage reality TV day job of realtor and the vintage kitten heels to match. She steals Jesse’s room but announces her plan to make up for her late entrée: cooking dinner with Ciara.

Around the unlit fire pit, West plays producer by dropping hints that Kyle got a little too drunk last weekend. When Amanda discovers that Kyle left his credit card and “ate shit” at the bar before being ushered to bed last weekend, it unleashes The Beast In Her. John Wick would be shaking at Amanda’s sniper on the side shots at her husband, with room to put a pin in West’s backpedaling defense of Kyle, too. West is not only not married, like Kyle, but he’s also not a mere few rotations around the sun from mandatory colonoscopy age either.

Act 4: The King’s Speech

KJ and Ciara take the audience on a quick departure from marital discord: their upbringing as black youth in white America and Ciara’s complex relationship with her mother. Their sidebar gains rapid depth into unpacking taboo territory, but after Kyle and Amanda’s outbursts, feels like a walk at the skate park, frankly. “We’re going to be better than our parents were.” Can someone get KJ on the ballot for president?

At Mia’s pasta dinner, everyone at the table clocks in slow motion that this play is about us, us being Amanda and Kyle’s marriage. Kyle’s apology/toast/tirade about making the group uncomfortable by putting his marriage on blast might be really effective if he weren’t literally making the entire group so wildly uncomfortable by once again putting his marriage on blast. Yes, everyone knows one of Kyle’s pet peeves is being interrupted mid-speech — there’s an entire meme queen podcast empire in existence because of it. But to pretend Ciara’s simple sidebar is the reason his train rolls off the tracks (when Amanda summoning previously unknown ancestral ties to Ursala the Sea Witch to steal his voice was the real reason) is comical — in the laughable not laughing way.

Before sunset, Kyle had worried to Australia’s finest (Ben) that his prickly cactus wife was trying to make a fool of him in front of everyone. For the first time in his incredible and memorable Bravo career, I’ve questioned if he’s ever watched himself on TV.

Best Performance Of The Week:

KJ ⭐⭐⭐.5/5

In somewhat of a dark-horse decision, the best of the week goes to KJ, though technically, I’d score Amanda’s overall performance as a cruel but far assassin higher. KJ played accidental producer, went deep with Ciara, but never did too much or said too little. A balancing act officially meriting the title of one to watch.

Outstanding Flop Of The Week:

West Wilson ⭐⭐.5/5

Put the pleated pants and degenerate sympathizing opinions down, sir.

I’d Like To Thank Andy…

For the network’s return to valuing weekday scenes in the city.

Andy Cohen said it best: marriage should be fun. As a living, breathing Bravo encyclopedia, it’s alarming that the mental archives I’ve specifically cleared of useful things (like basic algebra or how to ego-stroke powerful idiots) to make space for insular pop culture minutia are struggling to produce a memory of Amanda and Kyle having fun together. Like, sure, there were those few blackout hot tub nights in season 1 before things were official, and therefore Kyle’s filandering couldn’t be classified as such. But pretty much every season since, That Man has been putting That Woman’s nervous system in a state of shock either from cheating, fear of cheating, or the iconic yelling-about-the-ridiculosity-of-DJing-to-becoming-a-DJ pipeline. Don’t get me wrong, Amanda in turn has taken a Vegas residency on Kyle’s neck behind his back and in front of his face with digs so sharp she’s surely hit his molten lava core. But Ciara has never been more articulate when she replied, “That’s insane” to Amanda’s revelation that Kyle fell asleep at “some fan’s” (derogatory) house. It’s a sentence a relationship therapist has never heard before.

The best I can come up with in the way of happy families memz for SUMMER HOUSE’S longest-lasting couple is when they united over the issue of evicting Hannah Berner. Honestly, that alone isn’t the worst of greatest hits, but it’s still fairly alarming, considering they’ve been together for all 10 seasons the show has been on, and married for three. If Kyle and Amanda’s relationship were a movie (which it basically is in extremely long form, thanks to Truly Original), it would be much less THE NOTEBOOK and much more ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND, as far as struggle relationship propaganda goes. The good news is Amanda seems happy as a clam in her new, possibly temporary (probably not) single life. The better news is we have 17 episodes of awkward, sometimes subtle, more often blatant MARRIAGE STORY type shi.

SUMMER HOUSE S1 Premiere Recap

                                                           Rated Y for Yikes

                                                     Genre: Horror-Comedy

                           Starring: The last of Kymanda’s marital dignity, 
                           Ben’s dimples, Ciara Miller, and supporting cast

                                                    Rating: ⭐⭐⭐.5/5 stars

Act 1: The Long Drive Home

In Act 1, our Hamptons transplants set their affirmations for the season: West wants to be liked by Ciara, his new friend KJ wants to be Drake pre-A-minor, Carl wants to be in the mix for “The Summer of Carl,” Jesse wants to show us all 32 teeth for another summer (inference), Ciara wants to be light and fluffy, The Newbies (Bailey and Levi) want to be crazy AKA earn their screen time, Amanda wants to avoid sharing airspace with her husband for as much as humanly possible from minute one and Kyle wants to pretend that’s not killing him inside.

The best part of the first arrival of the summer is every cast member pretending that there aren’t rivers of anxious anticipation coursing through their veins to make a good impression on the cameras and each other (in that order, for some). I actually could feel West’s heartbeat through the screen as he offered Ciara a jokey-joke handshake. The whole meet and greet is akin to the beginning of a horror movie where all the hard-bodied teens have no idea a slasher is about to hunt them down in the pool (yes, that makes Bravo fan discourse akin to Jason Voorhees).

Act 2: Alien Versus Predator

Amanda’s nervous tic of choice is taking every opportunity to dunk on Kyle, from small grammatical errors (modelS!) to naming larger character flaws (his becoming a DJ to spite her). Her line-reads are a master class in breaking a Big Dog’s spirit. The room probably preferred Bailey’s tears re: a boyfriend who broke up with her over a $22 salad. While Amanda laughs it off with her remaining Bed Bug, right on cue, Kyle spirals. Kyle has been literally DJing everywhere (State College, PA, apparently, is everywhere), but now that he’s made time to be validated through a television audience as opposed to drunk 20-somethings, he thinks it’s really odd that Amanda won’t accompany him until 12:30 AM at Surf Lodge to save their marriage.

CUT TO: Amanda revealing why she’s so annoyed with Kyle’s DJ life. It’s not just because he uses his sets as an excuse to stay out and party, but also because the rumors of Kyle’s infidelity in Page Six (reality TV’s New York Times) are back. Instead of sending Amanda into panic mode, she’s now Ray Charles to the bullshit. She’s not mad, she’s not sad, she’s “numb” to the fact that her marriage isn’t what she signed up for. I’d argue she’s more than numb — she’s ice cold. The flawlessly delivered “no” to Kyle’s ask for an extra eye mask (that I spiritually intuit she actually did have) was chilling. Amanda’s cold shoulder in bed solidifies: this summer will not be fun. It will be an explosive unfurling of long-buried traumas, and everyone will be swept up in the emotional chaos.

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Act 3: The Ben Who Fell To Earth

Cue the Hans Zimmer music, SUMMER HOUSE has a new heartthrob. Ben is an Australian bachelor who starred in The Bachelor, and that truth somehow doesn’t make him any less hot. In fact, if I read Ciara’s forehead squints correctly, it may have made him even hotter. I have to believe the editors perfectly timed Carl’s “Are you decent?” knock at Ciara’s door was positioned to quell the fire in viewers’ loins from getting too hot over Ben too soon. In their one-on-one, the central conflict is built further because even sweet, soft, hug-me-tighter Carl is clocking Kyle’s tea: you can’t be married and at Penn State on a Thursday.

There’s something so satisfying about the first party of the season. The decorating, the GRWMs, the blackout building. Producers lull us into a false sense of security by sprinkling in campy County Fair storylines: Carl humble-brags about his 8-miler, Messy Jesse is orchestrating a rekindling between Ciara and West (that he will later intentionally interfere with, according to the trailer), and Ben the Australian shows chest and ocean eyes. But, as with all good horror movies, the monster returns, meaner than ever.

Amanda admits that “the whole internet” commenting on her marriage has made her consider THE D WORD. Dun dun dunnn. Sure, it was obvious this was coming, but episode 1? Tak about satisfying viewer expectations. I find this reveal particularly compelling given how Kymanda worked overtime to mock fans who commented on their suss dynamic (like spending Christmas apart). I guess while Kyle was pressing play, Amanda spun the block on the hate comments.

Act 4: What Ever Happened to Baby Cooke?

After dueling slurred poolside rants and a quick comedic B-story of the gang pie-ing each other in the face, Kyle and Amanda’s conflict comes to a climax. The SH crew goes LOVE ISLAND with a group dunk in the pool. Amanda, perhaps in a subconscious act of rebellion from her mottled marriage and forgotten dreams of producing a little Kyle, and definitely trying to relive her Italy skinny dipping moment with Ben, enters with only her skivvies on. To be fair, there’s zero difference between Amanda’s strapless bra and her South Moon Under bikini top. To be even fairer, Kyle seemed mostly mad that he didn’t think of it first.

Best Performance Of The Week:

Amanda Batula ⭐⭐⭐⭐/5

Amanda is whacking Kyle like she’s at an arcade and he’s an animatronic mole. It would be overkill if we didn’t have ten seasons of Cookie Monster counter-evidence to justify it. So, get him, girl. Get him again for me.

Outstanding Flop Of The Week:

Kyle Cooke ⭐⭐⭐⭐/5

Kyle’s role as an elite man-child is likely one of the best of our time. His fuckery has enough layers to merit a one-man show on Broadway (and he’d be the first to believe it). His insolent, under-the-breath, childishness is “insane” without being insidious (at least this season). He gives Tom Schartz before you realized Bubba was actually just a frightening act of foolishness. He’s the best Bravo villain we have right now, and for that, he gets many stars.

I’d Like To Thank The Andy…

For airing an episode without mention or instance of Jesse Solomon singing.

We wait for this strip tease every year. THIS is my Christmas in July!

Island Briefing

• NicOlandria final thoughts…the turmoil these two are putting us through. First, the unstated chemistry in the challenges, then the radio silence on any signs of a romance, then the KISS, followed by the premature "mutual" pullout (it was really Olandria, stuck on stupid Taylor). Ohhh, nooo, I didn't feel anything either, cool, cool, cool.

  • On Sunday night, Nic's tough guy act over Elan's tough guy line (see below) wasn't fooling anyone, except Cierria. Nic literally licked Olandria's FEET??? My poor girl Cierra's movie night experience is now perfectly teed up to remove her mascara, foundation, and dignity :(.

• Are these producers trying to outdo the summer blockbusters or summn? Are they trying to put Tom Cruise out of a damn job or put AMC stubs out of business?! It is comically American of them (after ONE mainstream successful season, mind you) to supersize the format to such an action-packed degree the Brits would find unforgivably distasteful. The Casa elimination twist, the contrived Nicolandria return recoupling that was dragged out across three (!) separate reveals (like, at what point does it become psychological warfare), and now a double heart range challenge where you strip tease not for your partner but with them?! Simply absurd!*

  • *Episode 24's twist was groundbreakingly freaky shit. The pervert who came up with it probably should be awarded an Emmy, but it still would've worked wayyyy better with solid couples, which this show has ruthlessly deprived us of thanks to their hijinks. IMAGINE Huda and Jeremiah in this challenge. I rest my case.

• What was so horrific about Huda's ass clap, though? Don't get me wrong, NBC would’ve been sued by the FCC for the number of complaints they'd have received from JD Vance fanboys if they had aired it on broadcast TV. But, was Huda's dry humping really sooooo errotically ergonomically egregious compared to her partner Chris thrusting Cierra in the air up and down, Olandria's dick dropping on TJ and Taylor or motorboating Bryan with her ass, Nic and Cierra practically 69ing Iris, Elan Magic Mike-ing Cierra, or what Chelley herself did to Chris? I think not.

  • And furthermore, were all the costumes overnighted from Amazon Prime?

• Best Quotes Of The Episode

  • "My true emotion is fuck that man." - Chelley, defining a new primary emotion for the female masses.

  • "You've been inside me, you freak." - Iris, getting her first bar off after two weeks.

  • "I would never kiss my friend's man who has had sex with her." - Iris, getting down to brass tax about the fact Nic does not like Cierra as much as he should.

  • "I was singing a song. I don't know if you know it — it's called — by Stevie Wonder, My Cherie Amour?" - Chris genuinely asking a black American woman if she's heard one of the most beloved songs of all time.

  • "Mmmm spicy mami" - Olandria hilariously brushing elbows with a microaggression, quietly proving she and Nic belong together.

  • "Is he a fucking Flintstone?" - Clarke asking a valid question about Ace's outfit.

  • "It's your turn to watch, bro." - Elan, making us give it up for the rehearsed read.

  • "I was mad. I'm still mad." - Nic, pretending he was jealous about Cierra and Elan when he was really mad that all the girls skipped him.

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Conch of the Challenge

Amaya Papaya and her turnt out pink Carrie Bradshaw pumps were *perfect*.

Loser's Lagoon

Chelley is really going to send a tall king out to Huda's pasture for a breakdancer with busker energy? And while we're at it, why do the producers keep giving this cast audition tape material in these bizarre one-off scenes? I know Ace and Taylor are practically lovers, but why did they deserve a sauna date for the hard work of giving us NOTHING in Casa?? If I want to stare at Ace in a futuristic sauna, I'll wait the three years until he's cast in a Tubi spy thriller as an AI cop.

Winner's Circle

As annoying as it may be, I still see Chris' nephew (Ace) and Chris' dream girl (Chelley) taking it home at this point. Nic and Cierra would have a chance if literally 2% of the fandom were half as excited as Cierra is about their relationship.

Biggest Conspiracy Theory

I'd bet Vanna's whole injectibles budget that something happened (a kiss, a touch, a risky turn of phrase) between Nic and Olandria when the cameras were down on the ride home from their date or in bed and we sadly won't hear about it until one of them shows up on Viall Files or Call Her Daddy. Damn it.

Greetings! Love Island USA is back and that means so am I, with the curated recap content you need to digest 56 episodes of pure, slutty chaos. If you’re thinking “babe, you’re a little late,” my only response is I’m on Fiji time, luv.

LOVE ISLAND Week 3: Recap

Island Briefing

• The first OG Islander to be sent home was Belle-A. She's already back stateside, and though she's done a few tell-A all interviews, honestly, it's like she was never there.

• Who else went home?

  • In episode 12, Charlie the Greek God with a latent unibrow gifted straight from Zeus (this is a compliment) got played sooooo horrifically by Hannah. Hananh was all over Pepe, only for her to come crawling back to Charlie, but not before the American voting pool assumed Charlie was already chopped liver. The best part was Amaya refusing to humor Charlie's (yes, spiteful) advances only to vote to send him home that very evening! Her screams are still ringing in my ears from the whole ordeal a week later.

  • In episode 14, the semi truck driver, who ironically was also built like a semi truck, Jalen, gave Taylor an undeserved second chance at bagging Olandria. Sigh.

• Who just landed in Fiji?

  • The first bombshells, Amaya and Hannah, left much to be desired — at first. And, being real, I still don't care for Job Hannah. But the minute Amaya started verbally boxing Ace because he wouldn't let her call him babe…we need her in Fiji badly, y'all.

  • The second batch of bombshells includes Iris. She seems nice enough, but under the shadow of Hurricane Huda, I'm forgetting her face as I type. She'll be gone in a week's time, and I'm wishing her a safe flight (and hoping Huda didn't poke a hole in her window or something).

  • The third batch of bombshells (first revealed on Jigsaw blocks assembled under the watch of Megan Thee Stallion) gave us a Dominican woman named Andreina and a Ken doll named TJ. So far, my only read on Andreina is that her dad is probably named Andre (men are lazy), she definitely exudes “I just graduated from college” energy, and I feel confident she will be fighting BBL allegations. On the other hand, I have no read on TJ, because when he said New York has "too many sidewalks and streets," so he prefers New Jersey, I stopped listening.

• Best Quotes Of The Week (and some from weeks 1-2, too, because I have to)

  • "Can't get no coochie out this queen!" - Bell-A, arms waiving in the air, owning her sexuality or lack thereof.

  • "Mommy? Mamacita? A mom of what, a dog? In real life?" - Nick on finding out about Huda's secret motherhood.

  • "Take care, brother, enjoy life." - Huda, to a man she lives with in deserted quarters (Jeremiah). I will be saying this henceforth for people I intend to see again imminently.

  • "Get off my dick bitch, like fuck off." - Huda, to a man she would marry tomorrow (Jeremiah).

  • "He's using Iris as an escape goat!" - Huda getting a little confused with American English idioms in a pretty iconic way.

  • "No, we don't want to do that. We don't want to do that! We don't want ot do that, though!" - Amaya, on voting out someone on the competition show she got to about four days prior.

  • "Bitch I don't know how to iron clothes. How am I supposed to get married?" - Amaya, before definitely burning her satin pajamas.

  • "I guarantee there's a million things you won't like about me" - Pepe giving a subtle warning about his likeability to a female suitor.

  • "It was one of the best 25 seconds of my life" - Nick, proudly, on having not-so-secret sex with Cierra.

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Conch of the Week

A title reserved for the Island’s MVP. Week three showed Olandria is a star and even better a star with an undeniable ass. She's a girl's girl, a friend to the guys, and she humored Huda's tears with a level of grace that needs to be added to the Love Island history books. On top of that, she's been patient as a saint with Taylor, despite the Tomahawk Truck of a man offering her affection without persuasion. I still hold out hope for her and Nic-o-las.

Again, it must be acknowledged: body tea. She even looked 10/10 in the possibly questionable, definitely shiny Hot Girl Summer swim. Olandria also made out with a whole island of boys without complaining or getting a cold sore. Her work ethic to culture that made me say culture for me could’ve even inspired Paige DeSorbo to clock in for work, had she not already quit SUMMER HOUSE.

Loser's Lagoon

This one has to go to Huda, even though there's hopefully a rainbow on the other side of her now-passed category 5 storm. I don't know that I've ever seen someone on reality TV pull an ear-hustling to crash-out move not once, but twice, in the same news cycle! But here we are. Huda tried everything (the very harsh stick, the soft spoken carrot, and expelling Iris from her sight on several occasions) to hold onto her man who apparently wasn't making her happy, needed punishment for undercooking pancakes, and still was worth trying to bait back after calling him a bitch on several occasions.

In their heart-to-heart after two recoplings that Huda barely escaped, Cierra said, "There will be a version of Huda after Jeremiah," nearly making my head spin. Even in Love Island terms, this level of down bad ass-showing, so soon, is alarming! On the positive side, her eyelashes stayed on through all of the screaming, crying, and spilled milk. I smell a brand collab!

Winner's Circle

Ace and Chelley have organically clicked following Huda and Jeremiah's early angling (orchestrated or otherwise) for the number one spot, falling dramatically apart. So, if I had to pick a winning couple from the early bunch, these two would be it. They look good together and have so much chemistry that fans are making up conspiracy theories that they're already a couple IRL!

Biggest Conspiracy Theory

Despite the whispers about Chelly and Ace being a secret couple who entered the show just for the money (wouldn't it make more sense for just one of them to go on, then?) I have a bigger, more ridiculous seed to plant. So far, Paige and Megan have visited Fiji. So, I suspect we're due for more famous faces in the NBCUniversal fam to be sent to The Villa. Here me out…Ariana Grande! The Ariana What Are You Doing Here memes write themselves. And/or Jalen Hurts to tease the return of football at the end of the season. Producers, just make sure he’s in a bikini too — for scientific reasons!

As a proud member of Conclave hive, it was a tough Sunday, and not just because Ralph Fiennes (allegedly) went home with Chelsea Handler and I wasn't there to mix them martinis and talk shop about whether Stanley Tucci or John Lithgow was a bigger diva on set. (I'm pulling for Lithgow, obviously.)

No, my favorite bitchy papal candidates did not get the respect they deserved from the Academy, but I do take solice in the fact that their culture of secrecy in melodramatic capes will be continued for one final week on TRAITORS. In a different reality, Alan Cumming would've been a Cardinal from Scotland who gave His Eminence from Kabul a run for his money for the throne. Or at least an archbishop who shared excellent banter with Isabella Rossellini in the back of the cafeteria when the nerds weren’t looking.

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D-Day For Danielle Reyes! A TRAITORS Season 3 Episode 10 Recap…

Surpriiiise Brit, Danielle is apparently just as dumb as you thought. But she has somehow made it to nearly the end, so Danielle is, technically, doing something right. Danielle's finger may be in a different zip code than the pulse, but girlie doesn't care because she finally has someone on her side in the turret. They decide, for truly inexplicable reasons, to kill Sandoval.

Sandoval being "onto Danielle" was as important as his "love" for Racquel — no one gave a shit, no matter how much he yapped about it. The Traitors probs should've gone for Ivar or Gabby to strip Dylan of someone he actually listened to, but I don't expect strategy from anyone in a green cape, ATP.

Sandoval's send-off scene was so delusional, I simply had to wonder: did he get on a plane back to LA, or was he able to float home using all the hot air between his ears, blowing up his head 5x its normal size, because of his clinically overinflated ego?

I'm not gonna lie y'all, the final challenge was a hodgepodge of callbacks from games earlier in the season that went in one ear and out the other. I did gather Dylan was the closest Faithful to winning the position of The Seer (who will be able to know for sure if a player of their choice is a Traitor or a Faithful) before he ultimately flopped. We still don't know who The Seer is, but let’s hope its Dolores bc she would probs squander it by asking Tom just to make fun of him.

At the final roundtable, Dolores is the only thing standing between Danielle and eviction. Dolo suspects Ivar, and with rent due, Danielle jumps at the opportunity to make Ivar her scapegoat. Brittany rounds out their coalition of three, even though she started the night by trying to pin Gabby, who, for her part, doubles down on team Danielle-Is-A-Traitor. Dylan flips on his other bestie because of Gabby's evidence, along with Ivar, making the split a three-on-three tie.

There is no tying in baseball (or whatever the saying is), so the group votes again, and it all comes down to Britney Haynes to break or make the tie. Will she flip on Danielle in the eleventh hour AGAIN? Golly gee, I sure hope so because that would be one of the best scenes in TRAITORS history.

Now, onto the TRAITORS Season 3 Episode 10 Power Ranking…

And the award for Most Powerful Player To End The Season goes to…

evanrosskatz

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Gabby Windey!!! Whether Britney betrays Danielle or not, she'll be suspect number one because of her relationship with Danielle in the final round. And Gabby has the evidence from her conversations with Brit to prove a bitch has been moving mad weird when it comes to Danielle.

And the award for Least Powerful Player To End The Season goes to…

ivar_mountbatten

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Ivar, for a role he auditioned for over and over again in almost every episode. Even if he doesn't go home at this roundtable, I don't see whoever wins going out of his way to take him to the end because they'll probably forget he's there.

So, who is going to win season 3 of TRAITORS?

My final prediction: Danielle is going to get voted out by Britney. Then, in the final roundtable, Gabby is going to lead the charge on taking out Britney, but before Britney, who is my pick for The Seer, goes, she will distract them with a fake seeing on Ivar and turn the group against him.

With Gabby, Dylan, and Dolores left, Gabby and Dylan won’t trust Dolo for her bad picker and will vote her out. That is UNLESS Gabby or Dylan is The Seer, and then, in that case, Dolores will be included in the winning team.

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When I think of the greatest odd couples of all time…Sherlock and Watson…Raven and Chelsea…Jesse and Walt…Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn…even Tom and gotdamn Jerry, I can't help but smile at their chaos. They’re just toxic enough to keep things spicy but never let their absurd opposition outweigh their mutual one true desire (solving crime, surviving middle school, committing crime, making me laugh, and cheese/psychological warfare). But never in a million pop culture-laden years have I witnessed a duo as dastardly as Carolyn and Danielle. The noises these women made eschew from my mere mortal body on this week’s episode of TRAITORS…illegal, unbelievable, iconic, and frankly historically unhinged. Happy Black History Month to my favorite moronic marauder, Danielle, and three cheers for Carolyn surviving as long she did. Praise God, the mouse is let go!

Not me, Not Hermoine, CAROLYN! A TRAITORS Season 3 Episode 9 Recap…

The episode picks up back in the turret aka the Scottish Highlands’ Bad Girls Club where Danielle and Carolyn are at each other’s throats about whether to seduce a new Traitor or bumble through another completely unstrategic kill. Because Danielle has a one-track mind for Britney and Carolyn wants Danielle to choke, they barely agree on killing the superior Britney’s ex, Sam Asghari (when they should've agreed to recruit Gabby). And just when Sam had found his voice, like Ariel!

With Sam gone, Alan (in a headpiece that Erika Jayne is trying to source as we speak) informs the remaining players they’ll be living out their Harry Potter fantasy with a game of life-sized chess. Danielle and Carolyn previously filled in the blanks on superlatives about the group and every time the Faithfuls correctly guess the Traitors’ answers, a chunk of change gets added to the pot. It feels important to note at this time Dylan was wearing a fuzzy blue and green sweater that brought out the sparkles in his eyes for obvious reasons.

But during the game, Demure Dimples is not the center of attention. No, the tone deaf (literally and figuratively) Tom Riddle of the Castle steals the show with unprecedented delusion. I let out a Ramona Singer witch’s cackle when Sandoval suggests he is the Traitors’ biggest threat and the Faithfuls’ strongest leader. Was I laughing when Carolyn and Danielle’s utter mania (“Well, everyone would choose Dylan soooo let’s pick Tom, ensuring it will be impossible for us to win the money!”) egregiously proved Tom right? No, I wasn’t. Luckily I suspect multiple cast members' commentary about his hygiene should bring him back to earth.

By the end of the game, Carolyn might as well have wedged herself between Kate and Parvati with a megaphone to announce she was a Traitor after how blatantly she pushes for the unintuitive answers only a Traitor would know. Danielle’s choices have made less sense than the US Treasury since day one, but she did kinda eat by tricking Carolyn into exposing herself by naming herself the most ignored Faithful when Ivar was RIGHT THERE.

Speaking of ignoring Ivar, they do exactly that at the round table when Danielle and Carolyn could squabble up 2.0. While I want to hit Carolyn's school bullies over the head with a Looney Tunes Anvil, the tearful pleas about being a weirdo just aren't convincing. Danielle, on the other hand, locks in for the first time ever (possibly because she is dressed like ET). She points out every time Carolyn matched no one's freak well, leaving Carolyn without shit to say back. In the end, Danielle gets the votes and Carolyn gets the boot. At least she manages to give the second best reveal speech of the season on her way out. Someone give this girl a hug! And someone give Danielle the card of an acting coach, pronto.

The episode ends with a hilarious dig at Danielle from her own ally, Britney. Britney can’t believe her closest friend in the house would be so painfully obvious as to recruit her as a Traitor. And yet we know that Danielle defies more than gravity. Rest assured, next week is going to be 10/10 clownery and carnage.

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Now, onto the TRAITORS Season 3 Episode 9 Power Ranking…

Most Powerful

Gabby

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The only thing that scares me about Windey’s steady, measured rise to the top is the Traitors getting their hands on her.

Dylan

dylanefron

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Dylan was once again the deciding vote but he handled the pressure well. He went through some real detective work against his best friends this week that you had to respect, even if in reality he couldn’t have picked wrong.

Britney

Britney Haynes has the opportunity to do something soooo cutthroat and betray Danielle on TV a second time. I actually think she might have to out of self-preservation.

Least Powerful

Dolores

The throwaway Sandoval vote is so boring, Dolo.

Ivar

He’s actually not bad at clocking game, but it's hard to be a strong player when you're literally not allowed to finish a sentence.

Kate Chastain

None of her jokes made a dent. I just know they called Phaedra first.

It only took the world's goofiest group of Faithfuls SEVEN episodes to catch a Traitor (no Bob TDG doesn't count, as she was really only caught because she was exposed by a fellow Traitor). Those seven episodes have been full of laughs (mostly at Tom Sandoval's expense), confusion (mostly of Danielle's doing), and fashions (mostly from Alan because the rest of the cast is slacking). But one thing we haven't seen much of? Common sense.

In an era where some of the most moronic men walking the planet are the most famous and powerful, common sense has been grossly undervalued. Discarded, even. If I see one more TikTok comment where a presumably literate adult asks an OP where they bought something that is explicitly stated in the three minute video, I am going to make the app go dark again myself. Tana Mongeau tweeted a screenshot of herself asking ChatGPT how old she was in third grade (??????) and I, personally, feel like that should be a criminal act. I'm coming to the brim, as it pertains to superfluous stupidity! And I know the original S word is a little controversial, but there are three conditions under which calling someone's action stupid is always okay: when they are acting stupid, they are above age 10, and it is not their birthday.

In 2025, declaring a dumb choice to be exactly that, out loud, is a genuine act of defiance. Like, fine, we might be living in The Bad Place, but at least we don't have to pretend that sentient mustache your friend is dating "made a few points" with his hot take on Severance. The grace period for "no question to be a stupid question" disbanded the moment that girl used Gorilla Glue as hairspray and our refusal to abide by the sovereign power of "fucking duh" is how so many crucial mistakes have slipped through the cracks. Not one person said "Hey Jacques, lylas, but maybe put Final Draft for one second so we can talk" ??? When the French aren't being honest, that's when you KNOW we're in trouble.

The good news is reality TV is still a safe space for questionable decisions and traditional intellectual inferiority. I hope they never stop flipping tables, conceptualizing European geopolitics in bikinis, or questioning if the Underground Railroad was a mode of transportation for our entertainment. But in a game where you're trying to figure out who the killer is, and every player who said "Hey, maybe it's this guy?" gets murdered, I am legally obligated to point out you're displaying a wee bit of wind between the ears behavior when they won't even consider that dude could be the bad guy.

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Who caught The Big Bad Wolf? A TRAITORS season 3 episode 7 recap…

This week in truth is more of a summation than a recap because it is Super Bowl Sunday and my brain is in bird mode, but basically picture one of the lower-stakes episodes of Fear Factor, now add Tom Sandoval with a top hat, and you've got the challenge for the week. Then, at the round table, Britney the Silent finally spoke and when she did it was huge: she finally got the group to believe Boston Rob (who said verbatim "Everyone who accuses me dies" several times in the episode) was, in fact, a Traitor. The cliffhanger was teeing up the face-to-face kill Alan's been teasing with each remaining Faithful giving their own eulogy dressed in red. That scene alone deserves more awards than Em*lia P*rez.

Now, onto the TRAITORS Season 3 Week 4 Power Ranking…

The Most Powerful

Tom Sandoval

Listen, I hate it as much as you do!!!! But the fact is the village idiot used common sense to listen to what Wes screamed as he exited the castle: THAT GUY DID IT. No, it doesn't make him a genius, and no, it doesn’t make Dylan like him (the casual “we don’t have anything in common” roast? PLS) but it does make Tom smarter than almost everyone else in that room, apparently. I think for at least a small honeymoon period people will have to take him 1% seriously.

Gabby

Gabby not only was not only a brave legend during the millipede mayhem crawling all over her hands and body, but she listened well and acted accordingly at the round table, again. Unlike her fellow Bambi, Chrishell, she's not making any rash snap judgments known but she's also not blending in too much. Her solidity as a Faithful was confirmed by everyone's shock when Dylan said her name. Unfortunately, everyone I predicted to win thus far gets killed the subsequent week, but I'll say it anyway: Gabby could go all the way.

Britney

Britney has been quieter than the pause in Heated at the Renaissance world tour all season, but she defended herself out of banishment against Boston Rob, a feat none before she had achieved.

The Least Powerful

Ciara

Ciara's taste in men has once again proven to be on the wrong side of history (tbf Boston Rob would be leaps and bounds better than her previous beaus on looks alone, but in terms of the game, I mean). The confidence with which she said "for sure" when Rob shrugged "IDK, guess I'm being framed" like a Tim Robinson character at breakfast took me out. Since Ciara made herself a known suspect's cheerleader for a few episodes, so there is an obvious target on her back now.

Chrishell

Throwing away multiple votes at a round table is not cool, even when it's against Tom. If you don't feel comfortable going with one of the arguments made, and you don't trust yourself to come up with your own, that means you're too ill-equipped to be in the castle, babe. Her blowout still eats, though!

Ivar

I love the little Princess Diana shoutout, but this Lord is such a non-factor he's not even worth murdering, apparently.

Who is left on TRAITORS season 3? The remaining US contestants after episode 7…

Danielle (Traitor)

Carolyn (Traitor)

Britney

Dolores

Dylan

Ciara

Chrishell

Gabby

Sam

Ivar

Tom

The Faithfuls (and Traitors) incompetence was all fun and games until MY fave got sent home. See when you do clownery, the clown comes back to bite, and I hope the pale-skinned red-faced beast that is Wes Bergman bites every misguided Faithful at the roundtable who voted him out essentially because he was a meanie pants. Don’t they know that meanie pants get shit done? Fun fact: Tina Fey almost named her book Meanie Pants but the cowards at the publishing company weren’t ready for that conversation (this is obviously a lie, but feels true). Tina’s wise words to Bowen Yang, “authenticity is dangerous and expensive.” are absolutely true, and a lesson that Wes had to learn the hard way.

On THE CHALLENGE, hatred for inferior plays is not only encouraged but a necessity. If you don’t have an allergic reaction to weakness, you’ll be accused of it yourself. On THE TRAITORS, idiocy doesn’t just run rampant. It prevails. And the first person to say “By the way, you all kind of suck at this” is the first to pay the price as the majority fails upwards. Let’s just say I’m not mad, I’m disappointed. Actually, I’m mad AND disappointed, and I want blood now.

44 minutes of pure chaos from all three traitors?! A TRAITORS episode 6 recap…

Danielle and Carolyn should’ve been teaming up to stop letting Boston Rob take wild shots, but since Danielle (weirdo) was too busy spiraling over Carolyn (extreme weirdo) all of episode 4, that didn’t happen. Instead, Rob yet again strongarms the group into killing Bob H., because Bob H. called out exactly what Rob has been doing at the last round table.

Now, do any of the Faithfuls clock this, or even dare ask the question: why would the Traitors want to kill Bob H.? No, none, except for Derrick the cop (ACAB for life, but ya know, he’s grown on me) and Wes. They are the only two functioning brains clocking Rob’s “flying close to the sun,” Joffrey Baratheon-level of subtly game.

The whole world (Faithfuls and myself included) is laughing about Tom Sandoval’s season-long Clue audition (I guess his agents didn’t tell him the reboot is animated). Tom points a finger at Dolores out of the blue, tries to wrestle a shield from Carolyn by saying “Do you mind?”, elicits several guttural groans and eyerolls from The Bambis, and is quite literally dismissed by Derrick and Wes. Derrick basically said, “Leave us, child, the men are talking.”

But don’t let Tom’s clownery distract you from the true buffoonery going on in this castle. Even though Wes explains in lamens terms what Rob is doing, it seems the Boston hottie is going to have to get “TRAITORS” branded onto his forehead for these (adorable) morons to get it. At the same time, no one takes a second to digest the wildly unhinged back and forth between Danielle (who has given up a shield TWICE) and Caroyln as suss. No, the girliepops are too worried about Wes’ brusk tone to take him seriously. Britney The Mute even whimpers to Dylan to not vote for Rob, her sudden champion (stand up, girl).

In the end, Wes is ousted but leaves with a bang and a middle fingers. He honestly should’ve and would’ve done more if this was MTV. And what do the pitchfork-carrying women, especially Ciara, the clueless CLUELESS transplant who signed his death certificate, do after learning they skewered the wrong person, another person who was coming for Boston Rob and is now gone?? Raise an eyebrow of suspicion like any logical human being would do??? OF COURSE NOT!!! Ciara hugs Rob and calls him daddy (I’m translating loosely here).

Sheesh! With Faithfuls like these who needs Traitors? The level of comprehension is far too low. Am I still enjoying the show? Obviously, Rachel. But still…I’m starting to worry if some of these people are going to be able to navigate the airport home after the imminent murders.

Now, onto the TRAITORS Week 4 Power Ranking…

The Most Powerful

Boston Rob

Didn’t expect to see him back at the top so soon but alas, despite playing with brazen hubris, this dude and his mystical eyes have almost the entire castle wrapped around his finger.

Derrick

The only person in the right zip code as the truth this entire game (except for Dylan, who I believe Derrick will recruit).

Gabby

Gabby did something so brave at that roundtable…allow the blatantly obvious facts to overrule blind suspicion. With a thought process like that, Derrick may keep her as an ally.

The Least Powerful

Chrishell

Not only did she kill her own best friend because her “energy shifted,” she led the charge on Wes because she “didn’t like the way he spoke to her.” I think it’s safe to say Chrishell’s status as an empath has been revoked.

Danielle

Oh no baby what is you doing??? Danielle’s gameplay is like, in the gutter, right now. One more toe out of line and Carolyn is literally going to yell “She’s a Traitor” and quit. On the other hand, with the level of discernment in this cast (nearly zero), Danielle’s unhingedness could ultimately allow her to be discounted as too crazy to be a Traitor for the entire show. Flipping the hysterical woman stereotype to her favor? That’s feminism, luv.

Tom

I mean, he’s just there for comedic effect atp.

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My deepest apologies if you’ve been hearing an annoying ringing in the back of years since last Thursday because holy shit episode 4 of TRAITORS went absolutely ape shit. For all of his chaotic and unwieldy gameplay, Bob The Drag Queen went out with a tirade so nasty and so rude that I have to (keep) stan(ning). I’m going to miss Bob’s colorful brand of shady terrorism, but I can sleep well at night (not better than Britney Haynes who seems to be sleeping through his competition) knowing there’s another bitchy queen in the house. And her name is Chrishell Stause.

The way Chrishell would be in lockup for life for the first-degree homicide of Tom Sandoval if looks could kill…inspirational. Which is why the producers, cheeky little bastards that they are, keep seating her next to her arch nemesis, Worm With A Tartan Kilt, so Chrishell is perfectly positioned to wack him over and over again. It feels inevitable that Jason’s hottest ex-girlfriend will go after Tom’s girlfriend-juggling jugular like she did when she declared him a bad, bad, bad, bad, boy for what he did to Ariana, thus making him the perfect Traitor.

I’ll be giddy and sat like Ellen getting ready to verbally torture her guests as I wait for another moment to come, but the truth is Tom would never be chosen as a Traitor. Not because it’s too obvious, but because he is, of the male cast at least, the ultimate beta. In fact, what comes after beta in the animal kingdom analogy universe? Gamma sounds too powerful for someone who scampered away from Alan Cumming like a Scottish schoolchild. (Imagine Ariana ending her iconic post-Racquel confrontation by yelling “GO Tom. Do not linger!”)

The point is Tom wishes he was a supervillain but he only has the bark, and none of the bite, of a wild reality TV rabid dog like Jax Taylor. Is that something to applaud Jax for? No. But if you’re going to be a maniacal agent of the underworld, for fucks sake, at least do it right.

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Heads up, Nikki Bella is done playing nice! An episode 4 recap…

I am being so serious when I say I would not lay in a closed coffin for $250K. Not because I’m unwilling to try. Because I’m too proud to soil myself on national television and as a certified claustrophobe who has to take deep breaths whenever I remember I’m stuck in a metal tube hurling through the sky for six hours at a time, that would be the harsh reality.

But Nikki Bella (sorry that’s so much more fun to call her than Nikki Garcia), Ciara and Jeremy do exactly that (probably because they signed ironclad waivers) when they are chosen as the starring trio of the Traitors’ murderous top 8.

Shit gets real during the statue challenge when many people, including Biggest Loser and sweetest bitch Bob Harper, struggle to carry the weight of a massive figurine up a hill. If it makes you feel any better, Bob H, I’d wager the vast majority of the population could not sprint up a hill carrying three times their body weight myself included. My geriatric neck and shoulders couldn’t take it. Good Cop (Derrick) helps Bob out, cementing his campaign for Most Trustworthy Man. I have a feeling this will get him quite far.

But not at the roundtable where he incorrectly guesses Ciara is a Traitor. No, Ciara isn’t the scheming type, evidenced by Wes having to spell out for her that she needs to pile onto someone else if she doesn’t want to get eliminated. But in the end, Bob TDQ’s reckless finger-pointing toward Boston Rob allows the mob that’s been quietly hunting him to strike. Goodbye, Bob. You will be sorely missed. Now please go make a TikTok with Dorinda so the freakish Bravo stans (I’m a Bravo stan, just not a freakish one) can take a deep breath.

Now, onto the TRAITORS Season 3 Week One Power Ranking….

The Most Powerful

Dylan

The Efron with a lil less jaw’s power is now extending out of the castle. Dylan is the certified it boy of TRAITORS season 3, picking up the crush mantle where CT left it. Inside the hallowed halls, he has now perfectly taken down a loud ass Traitor, earning the respect of so many. Sure, this sort of puts a target on his back, but he’s just so dang cute I think it’s going to be hard as hell to get a group to turn on him.

The Bambis

Chrishell, Nikki, and Gabby’s alliance is not only smart, it has proven to be essential. Without her girlies riding for her, Nikki was the next to go behind Bob. I don’t think they have the pull to win yet, but they’re basically the Housewives gang everyone was so afraid of.

Wes

Wes has clocked Boston Rob as a big fat lying Traitor and indoctrinated Sandoval and a few others with that thought process in mere minutes. Wes has started to hold court with the minor players in the game as he works his way to cut off the head of the snake. It’s called moving in silence.

The Least Powerful

Ciara

She almost got voted off and her best defense was “I’m a nurse.” First of all, girl, haven’t you opened social media in the last decade? Love and light to our healthcare heroes, but the mean-girl-to-nurse pipeline does indeed exist. Second of all, Ciara ditched nursing to be a model a while ago. I’m not saying I wouldn’t do the same if I looked like her but fighting over mid white dudes on Summer House is a lot less altruistic of a resume flex, ain’t it?

Carolyn

Kim Zolciak’s doppelganger is a hoot and a half, but she has literally no say as a Traitor. When Bob said kill Dorinda, even though she didn’t want to, she did. When Rob said kill Bob, even though she didn’t want to, she did, again. Danielle solidified Carolyn’s rank by even suggesting she should go into one of the coffins.

Boston Rob

Rob still has his rep as a legend, but he’s also raised alarm bells for Wes, who can turn into a dog with a bone when it comes to getting people out. He was way too gung-ho in declaring Bob a bad guy, and he’ll have a LOT of work to do throw the suss successfully on anyone else.

I’m not sure I’ve ever witnessed a reality show gather a grip on the throat of the zeitgeist as fast as TRAITORS. It feels like overnight the US spinoff hosted by Alan Cumming, and homed by Peacock, is such an essential part of the culture it’s hard to think of a time when it didn’t exist. Should we adjust the historical cataloging of time to BT and AT? Possibly. The first three episodes of season three have been so fire that I’m considering moving to Scotland (as long as Fergus will build me one every night).

Who has been eliminated from Traitors US season 3 so far? A recap…

In episode one, the Housewives did what Housewives do best: commit to outrageous scene-stealing behavior without a moment’s hesitation to consider the consequences. The way that it took Robyn less than one swish of the Loch Ness Monster’s tail to volunteer to stay on the dock? Real Bravo girl shit. Don’t these foolish little faithfuls understand, there is nothing a Housewives loves more than sitting down and talking shit? Apparently, not, as Ivar’s suspicions made the perfect fodder for the Traitors to drum up a perfect killing.

^ me when the last faithfuls entered the room WITHOUT FREAKING DORINDA.

I get the producers can’t intervene in gameplay, but when premium talent (aka a blonde who has coined upwards of five instant catchphrases on network television) gets sent home too early, I can only pray they didn’t ship her back to the US.

Prediction: the fan reaction could def result in a Dorinda return. I can feel it in my tartan-cloaked bones.

In episode two, the big reveal hit. Three new formidable bad boys entered the mix. While I always applaud the question “Why not a woman?” I officially became a pig in shit at the sight of Wes, the ultimate CHALLENGE villain in this house. (Also, lest we forget, Kate was the surprise twist last season.) By the end of the episode, Bob orchestrates Wells’ removal at the roundtable

In episode three, Bob gets a little too big for his feathered britches. Sending Chanel Ayan, the queen of Dubai, home so soon was an error. People have started to suspect that his refusal to shut up is out of guilt, which is really just their way of confirming they’ve never watched a lick of DRAG RACE. But with the Bambis’ support, and Boston Rob’s masterful excellence to deflect the attention away from him, Bob overcame Dylan’s delicious pushback. Tony goes bye-bye and like everyone else in The Castle, I wasn’t sad about it. Over eager son of a gun.

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Now, onto the TRAITORS Season 3 Week One Power Ranking….

The Most Powerful:

Boston Rob

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I’m not a SURVIVOR head, so I didn’t get the hype upon sight, but his devious eyes and backward black hat/blazer combo were the first hint this man was not someone to fuck with. At his first round table, Rob’s Alan-mandated silence was so loud. At the second, he somehow managed to point the Traitor finger at Tony without pointing three back at himself. Also, I can’t say the pics of him being ridiculously hot as a youngblood have nothing to do with this ranking.

Dylan Efron

I had high hopes for baby Efron the minute he was cast. Actually, the youngest Efron is like three years old, but Dylan is the youngest on TV right now. He might be cherubic as fuck, but his prowess is understated and underestimated. Dylan has overcome a nepobaby/B-list shadow to become a star overnight simply by being his adorable (ripped) self. I’ll say it: Dylan is everything y’all wanted Peter to be. I bet Ekin Su is thinking “Damn. timing is a bitch” rn.

Bob The Drag Queen

Bob is unfuckwittable-ness embodied and an excellent choice as a Traitor. But he’s going to need to lower his voice (literally and metaphorically) if he expects to win this game. A man who walked into the room in blue feathers certainly can’t play the shy lane, but he’s going to have to lean into more strategy and less chaos if he doesn’t want to be pushed off of his throne of lies.

Honorable Mention: Wes

I giggled and kicked my feet when CT showed up in The Highlands on season two. When my sweet ginger freak, Wes, showed up, I SCREMT. Unfortunately, despite all the downtime I know these fools possess in their day to day, not enough have watched THE CHALLENGE. Thus, they will soon have to learn the hard way the havoc Sir Westofer can incite.

The Least Powerful:

Ciara

Ciara’s previously displayed talents as showcased on SUMMER HOUSE are lying in bed all day, being thin, and flipping her silk press. None of these traits are especially helpful in winning a physical and intellectual challenge. She has also been played by unremarkable men who were far less formidable than the minds in The Castle multiple times. Relatedly, the fact she has gotten about three seconds of airtime implies she’s very much not a threat to the group.

Britney Haynes

Outside of her brief BIG BROTHER drama shoutout, Britney has been even less of a non-factor. She admitted she was afraid to speak and then did an abysmal job in the clown challenge.

Sam Asgari

I appreciate that Sam hasn’t milked his relationship with Britney any further, but it seems like he may have overcorrected. I’m not sure he’s made a single audible statement outside of his exponentially louder jerry-curdled hair.

Honorable Mention: Tom Sandoval

It is deeply hilarious that Sandoval’s crime against humanity (cheating on his life partner and then being such a prick about it) has landed the man with a Scarlet A that transcends genres. I don’t think anyone will suspect him of being a Traitor but he’s just so goofy they’ll eventually vote him out for aura’s sake.

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I’m going to open with an obvious question. Why didn’t any of the boys even consider putting on a shirt before they met their partner’s parents and child siblings? But then again, I have to remind myself. This is Love Island USA. Where men act first and think second, in the name of “testing” anything good because that’s how they know it’s really worth it. Sigh.

I was hoping for fireworks tonight, but instead, what we got were more like the sparklers Hannah is carrying in each hand from table to table at a Florida club at this very minute. I can almost hear her ass clapping from here. My wish list included Aaron being scolded by Kaylor’s mom, who is in fact named Kara Kaylor-Stewart, according to Facebook, where she textually laid his ass out, essentially calling the little boy (not man) busted and a sufferer of “emotion dysfunction.” I also wanted to see a Kendall in its natural habitat. You can’t be fake in front of your own parents, right? (Spoiler alert: wrong).

My last wish was already dead on arrival. It would have been one THOUSAND p more compelling to see the swamp creatures that raised Robert Rausch, dick on denim icon, talk to their precious baby boy (fight me) on camera. Alas, he and Kassy failed the newlywed's challenge terribly (but more than made up for it in bed). Sadly, I cannot blame the girl. She’s only human. Andrea, baby, cover your eyes. The rest of you…here’s the underwhelming tea.

Aaron is already defensive just talking to Kaylor about the eventual alleged interrogation to come before said interrogation even starts, soooo yeah, this isn’t going to go well, right? No matter how yummy the avocado freaking toast is, surely this international emotional war criminal is about to get his ass handed to him, RIGHT?? Wrong. Fawwwwkkk!!!

Kara Kaylor-Stewart, I was rooting for you. Even after every cell in my body registered you were truly a woman from the middle of Pennsylvania that I wouldn’t want to cross seven beers deep outside the Linc, and regardless of your Big Love style-locks, we were ALL rooting for you! But the moment she pivoted from telling Kaylor she was (past tense) a bit miffed that Kaylor had been “wasting her experience on one guy” and that Aaron had previously caused “mixed emotions” because “when you cry, Mommy cries” to now being so happy to see Kaylor happy, I knew we were in trouble.

Kara kinda hints that movie night was a paltry display of being an accountable partner on Aaron’s part, but not half as feisty as she did when she boomered it out on her Facebook newsfeed. Then Aaron strolls in, barely pretending to be afraid because unlike in his real life when his fuckshit was done behind closed doors, but mostly full of shirtless laughs and giggles. The only people in the Stewart family with sense are Kolt and Kada (lol, srsly Kara?).

Kolt: “Stop crying so much.” Okay so even her FAMILY thinks the tears are excessive. GOOD TO KNOW.

Kada: “You REALLY like him? Oh…okay” How is the prepubescent babe seeing through Aaron's shtick clearer than a psychology graduate? A true mystery.

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I’m not going to come for Memers out of respect for the elderly but let’s keep her eighty-something-year-old eyesight and hearing in mind regarding the validity of her positive Aaron commentary.

They give Aaron some vague motivational speech about loving who Kaylor loves, and everything working out in the end, so middle of the road that my throat started itching. Then Aaron’s family comes on screen, and his brother is the only one brave enough to say he’s “made a bit of a dick of himself” on TV. I know the English are famously understated, but good Lord, is that the understatement of the century? All of this chummy camaraderie finally makes sense when the moms reveal they’ve been texting. I’m sure Aaron’s mom begged Kara for the families to become a united front ~for the kids~.

By the time Kaylor dares to utter the words “You’ve raised a great man,” I declared to God, the universe, and unfortunately, my next door neighbors that I need not want these clowns off my screen, TOoOOoOOMORROW night. Aaron spends more time waxing poetic about Rob than about how much he supposedly loves Kaylor. Even his mom is kinda like, yeah, we get it, you’re friends. All in all, these two kids aren’t just clowns. They’re the entire Barnum and Bailey more than Zac and Zendaya ever were. 

Nicole’s and Kendall’s meeting is pretty sweet and uneventful except for one thing. Nicole’s fam has apparently seen her through a relationship with a real dog who lied and cheated on her, so in that sense, Kendall is a total prince. Lucky him! But Kendall pretending to be ho so shocked and embarrassed that his Taylor said he was falling in love with Nicole is peak Kendall core. With the level of theatrics, you would think this man was headed for Broadway next to follow in Ariana’s footsteps. God, I hope I get it!

Like Kendall’s sister says, at least Nicole finds it cute. Are you shaking, Kendall? Because you’re actually on TV and the shakes aren’t translating. Golly Gee Willikers, did you REALLY just admit that you’re falling for Nicole!?!?! Yes, yes, you did. It’s actually one of the less alarming things you’ve said/done in the last two weeks. You have to wonder, did he really just gag himself that hard, or is he milking the moment to build out his Love Island love-story win package? Possibly both. But if I can trust America, we won’t have to cross that bridge (wait, actually, I can’t, so I guess I should mentally prepare).

Finally, Serena and Kordell. At this point, I needed to feel something, anything. I’ve loudly not been Serena’s biggest fan, not because her feelings after Casa were invalid, but because smashing avocado toast on a boy you barely looked at for the first three weeks seemed like a bit of a reach. Yet her family wins me over as soon as they start talking. Serena’s mom struggling to follow directions? Apple, Tree behavior. Plus, someone finally gives JaNa (and L**h) her props…thank you, Serena’s sister, we needed to hear that.

Now, why Serena’s family gave Kordell the energy Aaron needed ten times more, I won’t understand. But I do appreciate Seth’s insistence that Kordell come correct and Serena’s mom’s written threats to roast him over the firepit since surgery had her camera unready because that’s what families do!!! At least the ones that love keeping it real for their babies more than helping their kiddos steal a win (oop, yes, I said it).

Kordell’s dad has just enough black pastor energy to quell my Aaron-induced demons for the night already, but then an OBJ cameo? In this economy?? I like that his family validated Serena, and made her comfortable enough to admit they’ve both mistakes but are genuinely better for it now because they’ve actually learnT and grownT. Do I…do I actually stan Kerena now? I mean, there aren’t really better options for a viable winner, so sure, why not? As long as JaNa knows we will follow her above all else to the ends of the earth, throwing the prize $$$ at black love is a win in my book.

Truly, abeg, anyone but Aaron and Kaylor. And a final kudos to these producers who work their ass off every week. Even if I wish we could afford to fly the fams out IRL (though I appreciate the money being poured into the challenges), I’m actually extremely thankful to not have to sit through eight ultimately predictable meet-and-greets in a row. Your discernment? Unmatched. Don’t let anyone (L**h stans) tell you otherwise.

I’ve said it before, and I wasn’t joking: this season of Summer House sent my cortisol levels through the roof. Watching these silly little gooses pop off at the reunion without the ability to run on stage with a Kenya Moore megaphone and scepter so I can pull a Porsha on everyone speaking out of turn blew up my coronary artery bigger than one of Ballon Guy’s balloons. Bravo should be fun, and if I’m being honest much of season 8 was. But when this particular group of overgrown party children steps into the reunion arena, something possesses them to channel the distant relatives of Stassi’s dark passenger and it almost always gets directed at one Lindsay Dale Hubbard. Am I a Lindsay apologist? YES. Is Hubbhouse tough enough to take it? HELL YES. But as an enneagram 1, Cancer sun, Scorpio rising, watching people be loud and wrong gives me a Luis Ruelas red rash all over my (otherwise perfect) body.

Everyone pretended to have love for both sides of the breakup from hell this summer, but it seems that was all just a ploy to not get chewed out in the media again for bullying (yeah I’m drinkin’ using the B word LuAnn) another woman solely because she’s kinda sorta a stone cold bitch. Meanwhile, Amanda and Kyle’s relationship has been on hospice for some time now (I’m sure Jax will be trying to bang a side piece next to it any day) but did Andrew F. Baby hold Kyle’s crusty toes the the fire? No. No, he did not. Instead of taking the first private plane directly to The Clubhouse, I decided to snark rage on the winners and losers of the Summer House reunion below. Truth be told, the real winner is all of us, for getting through this electric shock therapy reunion in one piece! Hey, it could’ve been worse. Hannah Berner could’ve been there. Onto the show!

SUMMER HOUSE REUNION S8 WINNERS

Jesse Solomon - for not getting smacked by Ciara when he tried to take up for his best friend West. Also for beating cancer twice. Pretty cool stuff.

Gabby - for being hot and not breaking a sweat. Which to be fair, is easy to do when she gets asked a criminally low number of questions! I get a lot didn’t happen for Gabby this season, but maybe if all her so-called friends didn’t suck all the air out of the room, her dating storyline could breathe. Justice 4 Gabby.

Lindsay - Credit must be given where credit is due (unless you’re a bed bug who doesn’t clock in for work for 16 episodes and then chirps for the entire 2-hour filming of a television reunion). Whether Lindsay is your glass of rose or not, any singular cast member willing to field that much heat for that long coming from all angles, who doesn’t cry, storm off, or cuss everybody out, should be applauded as a winner. When she asked if Carl wanted a pat on the back for paying rent he legally was obligated to supply, I simply had no notes. I do wish she had a better explanation for Paige’s bizarre photoshoot sabotage story (I’m sorry, you were crying on your birthday because your photoshoot that clearly went well was almost sabotaged by the venue owner who allowed you to shoot there?). But for the most part, she managed to stand her ground and clarify her POV when everyone, Andy included, shouted and/or laughed down her opinions. I have waxed poetic enough about Lindsay’s (mostly) impressive (but not faultless) handling of her breakup on this very blog, should you want to read more about how the only people who can’t understand Lindsay’s side are willy igs.

Carl - All things considered, he handled himself pretty well. Do I still think he betrayed his partner’s trust and frankly embarrassed TF out of her by telling anyone but her it wasn’t going to work? 1000000%. But he’s allowed to defend himself, and he didn’t do it with an unreasonable amount of malice either. It is better they’re broken up, and he did have every right to hold Lindsay to task for talking reckless about his sobriety, though maintaining it is now his mission alone in life to pilot through any storm. I honestly wish the best for Carl, which is probably not being in a relationship (or on TV) for a bit. Not because he has baggage (which it’s okay to admit addiction comes with) but because he’s clearly figuring out who Carl is still, and he doesn’t seem to need an audience for that.

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SUMMER HOUSE REUNION S8 LOSERS

West Wilson - Oh lord, where to start? You’re telling me you liked someone sooooo much for like six months but ultimately broke up with them because promoting the 8th best show on Bravo would be too harrowing of a gig? As if he’s a 1930s soldier sailing off to Germany with a lady to make it back to. I don’t know if West knows this…but Ciara is really hot. I’m pretty sure more than half of the male population would happily sign up to stand in her shadow if they got to bill cuddle hours with her too. His whole bizarre explanation and sweaty blank stares lead me to believe his EQ is either under the earth’s core, or he honestly never liked her that much in the first place. Which is even more confusing, because how in the world did he think he was going to manage his image well enough to get away with wooing the always a bridesmaid never a bride and then breaking up with her before the next season? Too few thoughts were had, bud.

Ciara - Girl……..is he THAT funny? The goofiest thing about West is how he slept with Ciara despite all her reservations, took him to meet his family across multiple state lines, and spent the entire summer telling her he liked her before deciding that now it was too messy to stay. But the sad truth we have to acknowledge is…she let him. After everything Austin did to make her look dumb, she went back on the standards she preached from the NYC happy hour rooftops. As a victim of male bitchassery, I’m not victim blaming. But it’s true. The real reason she’s in the loser section is for saying out loud he could get her back if he changed after being vulnerable about all of that mess. Even West was gagged after being indicted in front of a jury of his peers for emotional terrorism that Ciara could possibly still have feelings for him and would essentially never say never to round 2. Ciara, I beg of you, stand up. And just say no to any mid white dude with a questionable haircut who walks through those doors next summer.

Paige - Calling yourself hilarious is cringe, even if you are, and Paige’s interviews get a chuckle out of viewers at best. Let’s just keep it a hundo: Paige hates Lindsay. Stop pretending to build a friendship for viewer approval with someone you OBVIOUSLY want to see methaphotically six feet under. Her big photoshoot gotcha was blatantly teed up so that she could then go in on Hubbs for the rest of the night without looking like a flip-flopper, which she did anyway (like did eight months without cameras not go by when she could’ve brought this allegedly birthday ruining issue up?). By all means, give Carl support. But to throw the very things she claimed to empathize with Lindsay on over the summer back in Lindsay’s face (like trying to shut down Lindsay’s job concerns by presuming to know their influencer income disparity, esp when Carl was the one who said it wasn’t a job?!?!?!??!) — criminal. Straight to jail. Do not pass go.

Danielle - She honestly was fine (except for her delusional stance that somehow Lindsay wasn’t being a friend by no longer allowing her to continue to lie….?) but she’s in this bunch because the styling of her fit was so insanely wack. Can someone from Team Donne help a sister out?

Kyle - Most of my complaints about Kyle start with the fact that he is 42 years old. What’s wrong with staying out until 4AM? He’s 42 years old. What’s wrong with pretending to lose your swim trunks at the beach so you can run around naked? He’s 42 years old. What’s wrong with him taking DJ lessons once a week in New Jersey the state he refuses to move to even though his legally bound wife is begging him to settle down? HE’S FORTY TWO YEARS (!!!!!) OLD. His lack of maturity doesn’t just plague Amanda’s life though, it became Lindsay’s problem when Kyle decided the way to finally give Carl a voice was to yell over him for the entire reunion. The misogyny flying off of him while definitively shutting down Lindsay’s experience as delusional, hysterical, drunk, factually wrong, and the sole cause of all of her problems made my tummy hurt. It was also p ironic considering he did an abysmal of showing what a grounded, level-headed, sober, thoughtful, solutions-oriented partner looked like this season, or frankly any.

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Amanda - Let me hit you, dear readers, with the hard truth: Amanda is not a girls’ girl. I know it’s hard to clock in Kyle’s shadow because she truly often moves in silence, but it is so apparent when you watch with both eyes open that when she’s given the platform to twist a knife or stir the pot she often does, and under the guise of wanting to get to the bottom of things involving people she clearly doesn’t care for in the first place. If you think Danielle is a wacko, and Lindsay is a horrible friend, walk me through the math of why you’re mediating their problem? I’m not saying Amanda is the Regina George. She’s more like the student council president that everyone thought they could trust but when you look in her agenda book she has everyone’s deepest darkest secrets written down for blackmail. And like Cinderella’s carriage turning into a pumpkin, once Amanda’s friends turn up, that’s her cue to take the gloves all the way off. The way she made every word Carl uttered an opportunity to pit Lindsay as the big bad of his universe was almost an art form. Andy said Carl wanted to take ownership (the most neutral good statement in the world) and Amanda (who truthfully had no reason to be speaking) said “yeah but he takes too much of it!” Sorry, you’re team let’s have men be less accountable? Cool, cool, cool. I could go on and on about all the annoying jabs she made about a situation that doesn’t involve her but it’s obvious miss mamas has enough on her plate when comes to sticky relationships atm so I’ll lovingly leave it there. Pls go design some swimwear or summ next summer, abeg.

I would like to wholeheartedly apologize for my absence re: the two penultimate episodes of this grizzly eighth season of Summer House. Like The Last Airbender, when you needed me the most, to shine a pitch-perfect spotlight of words on Carl’s quiet rage as he drove off leaving Lindsay’s massive suitcase to fit in Cacio e Pepe, I vanished. To be fair I’d been tasked with typing up quite a storm for my day job that required me to flash my badge as a card-carrying member of the HubbHouse apologists club on more than one occasion. That, plus bad internet, plus my out of town celebrations for the Memorial Day Holiday (if I have to thank the troops for my freedom then it's going to specifically be the freedom to believe that Kyle Cooke and The Town Crier’s wife should be put in jail) dragged me away from my God given duty to serve my troops: the Bravo community.  Specifically, the members who know Paige Desorbo can make a few good points without us pretending she’s as smart as she thinks she is. 

So I humbly come to you, hat in hand, to say sorry for the delay and get back to motherfuckin business before it’s too late. In the words of Timbaland (who I swear better not be outed as a sociopathic predator): it’s been a long time. I shouldn’t have left you. Without a dope beat to step to. Without further ado, let’s pop lock and drop it to a totally uncensored rundown of the gagworthy season finale episode of Summer House ahead of the reunion. There will be serious psychoanalysis of the male psyche, a girls’ girl ranking in which Danielle is shockingly not last, AND…most importantly of all…West bashing!!! Building them up to break them down isn’t a threat in this house. It’s simply a reality.

The Hans Zimmer scored season recap, has me coming into this episode ready for battle. How much money did Bravo give West for this party?! And why won’t they acknowledge the theme is based on a movie (Mad Max) when they shout out copyrighted Hollywood pop culture references on Housewives all the time!?!

Anyway, hearing that Carl needs huggies and kissies when his partner talks with him about the future makes me turn to stone below the waist faster than Medusa. Poor baby just wants his wifey 4 lifey to tenderly hold his hands through filling out a W4. What’s wrong with that? Well, nothing is wrong with intimacy and affection, but why does it have to be traded for doing your basic job as an adult human being? Lindsay is not one to suffer fools (sorry Shep can’t ruin that phrase for me) and Carl stuttering over his words about a kinda sorta job offer from Kyle Cooke after a year without a “real” job (by his own standards since the woman-dominated field of influencing is thereby inferior) is cringeworthy to watch and I’m sure a major turn off to be marrying into. He’s been begging Lindsay to believe in him all summer but did he ever consider she’s the type of girl that needs to see the proof to believe? Boy is not Santa Claus.

As much as she tries to downplay it, Ciara wants commitment from West. She rightly points out in her confessional that a relationship shouldn’t equal a feeling of dread or being a neutered animal, despite the two current examples we have on this show. The fact that West is so terrified to face the daunting potential reality of being stuck with only Ciara as the lady in his life, as if some Godsent angel better than she is going to arrive on his Murray Hill doorstep via Amazon Prime, is the baffling problematic reality with men in our generation. The thing about relationships is they are voluntary — if he did try with Ciara, and it didn’t work out, he wouldn’t be tarred and feathered for letting the alleged dream girls in his DMs give it a try next.

Carl talks more shit about Lindsay after the lights go down, his favorite post-party activity. She apparently not only doesn’t care about how she makes Carl feel, but other people in her life, and Kyle knows “exactly” what that means. It doesn’t even matter if that’s true at this point. It’s just strongly indicative of a guns-blazing hate campaign that Carl has initiated ahead of a breakup he refuses to go ahead and take ownership of. It’s not that Lindsay doesn’t complain about him too. There’s just something so obviously calculated about the way he plants these bombshells about her solely behind her back that she would never expect her fiance was saying about her.

Later in bed, West tries to equate saying ‘I love you’ to Ciara as the same thing as if he said it to Kyle. If it’s true, then what’s wrong with that? The problem is West wants Ciara to feel like the most special girl in the world. Just without giving her what she obviously wants to feel comfortable being his girl. His little vision of Ciara being on one side and his best friend on the other while watching the Chiefs isn’t wholesome to me. It’s making me think that he thinks adult relationships are Friends where he’s Joey instead of something more appropriate to aspire to, like SATC where he’s Steve. 

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Let’s just be honest about this too. I think West is concerned with more than the ability to pack his bags at the drop of a hat and voyage to Italy on his sports marketing salary. West is also worried as the weeks go on about his image as the new good boy of Bravo. His reveling in this title donned by the effing New York Times is a warning sign to me. It’s not that Bravolebs don’t deserve their moment in the sun. It’s just all a little soon for him to be our new king, openly polishing his own crown. West is feeling himself and the reunion seems to show that he’s hip to the fact that dating Ciara means if he does something wrong he’s gonna have to hop down from the throne (because I don’t care what that pulse-off-the-thumb profile says, he is absolutely shorter the 5’10”).

Praise the producers for not subjecting us to Ballon Guy spicy content part II, for our sake and Danielle’s.

Carl’s “worst time he’s ever had” at a party is because Lindsay made him anxious? I’m calling bullshit as someone who didn’t have a substance problem but would have to lay myself to rest if I saw footage of myself acting up at a random college party that I have now blessedly forgotten about in my thirties. In their MILLIONTH not-fight about what Carl needs to get to work, he does make a good point. He is telling her what he needs, but neither of them can accept that she simply isn’t the person to give it. He then quickly loses his credence by suggesting the words “yes babe you’re a rockstar!!!!” would come from Lindsay Hubbard’s mouth let alone any woman that is not an AI-generated doll who was programmed to love Smash Mouth.

Here’s the kicker of this scene: Lindsay asks Carl point blank if he wants to call off the wedding. And he says he isn’t, but their lack of conflict resolution makes him have second thoughts. Is having second thoughts NOT wanting to call off or at least postpone the first thought AKA the wedding??? Yeah it would be awkward to break it off around the kitchen island, but why didn’t he just say yes, and save them both the trouble of picking back up the cameras? Lindsay tosses it out because she thinks it's a crazy deflection that will deescalate the situation because it's surely not what he wants in her mind. But since Carl knows at this point it is, why not run with it? Instead, when the door is opened he runs from it and promises that he’s committed to working on things. For some unclear reason, she definitely is too. Even after he asks for a hug with repeated commands to go “harder” and “squeeze him.”  After I heard “Do you still like my hugs?” I’d have floated in the pool until the sun turned me into a raisin and the male species was just a distant memory of the past. Otherwise put, EW.

I’ll just get this out of the way now: I will never think Lindsay is lying about feeling blindsided. But I need her to put in the work on herself so that accepting a relationship like this doesn’t feel like a viable option in the future.

Kyle and Carl's sit-down is the only evidence I need to prove that Carl initiated the on-camera breakup. Just own it baby. The scaaaaary rattling water bottle story is exactly what I’m talking about when I say this man is so clearly painting a vision of this door-slamming villain so that when he backs out he won’t get in trouble with the powers that be when all he really needs to say to justify leaving with the audience is nothing because we’ve seen the damage done and don’t co-sign. He’s so worried about telling people about this summer which is a hilarious thing to be afraid of when you filmed a TV show. The only person Carl was having issues with in the house this summer was Lindsay? Considering he has virtually zero genuine relationships with anyone other than Kyle (who he beefed with last summer to the tune of lines on laptops) that isn’t too surprising. Carl’s “revelation” that Lindsay is who she is and isn’t changing making me launch a thousand Loverboys into the sun. It led me to the revelation that men are just two Little Rascals hiding in a trench coat when it comes to possessing EQ. Lindsay can move past extremely hurtful things like taking off an engagement ring (or accusing him of being on drugs). Me personally…probably couldn’t, as the doer or received. But I would tell my partner they’ve broken the terms of conditions of me loving them, quickly, and first, instead of everyone else. But as we all know, Carl is *FINALLY* about to do just that. LFG.

“You’re not an actor / what do you mean you want to do that” — we should’ve spent 25 minutes on that point of their conversation alone. Carl has a laundry list of potential careers like a fifth grader at the career fair, and he doesn’t understand why Lindsay couldn’t cheer him along every step of the way. It seems like everything about her is rude and wrong for him, so I respect her asking the obvious question of why he even proposed. The fact that he didn’t have an answer means they should’ve ended that day. Why did Carl think marrying Lindsay would work? Why would signing up to be a side character on the TV show of a professional victim be an option for him? My best guess is he didn’t actually consider the reality of it. Maybe becoming sober made him want to put together the pieces of a perfect life, and marrying Lindsay fit that goal. In a different way, I think she thought the same. He was her best friend turned love story come true, and they had a good first year, which she thought they could get back to after the stress of wedding-planning (famously hard) and Carl-job planning (famously cigars) was over. 

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I have never been more stunned watching Summer House than when Carl says he thinks Lindsays wants him to relapse on his sobriety so she can control him. If you feel that way, which it seems he genuinely does, why in the WORLD are you even having a long conversation that he still insists isn’t officially a breakup? His final sentence “I’m hurt. I’m really unhappy. I don’t think our communication is going to improve.” needed to be said, and a long time ago. I don’t know what fifteen things Lindsay had to improve the relationship, but he is wholly right that planning on lifelong couples therapy isn’t normal. To her credit, the things he’s so upset at Lindsay for being aren’t new personality traits. I guess clocking her for who she is is just a part of his Kylie Jenner year of realizing things. 

Carl then reads himself down boots from Lindsay’s POV as an insecure, overly sensitive, unmanly, jobless flop. He takes no ownership of any of the flaws he says she is identifying in him because he doesn’t think they’re true. And you shouldn’t have to be with someone who perceives you as some horrible person you believe you are not. But he could have started and ended this conversation by presenting a firm decision that their relationship was, in fact, at long last over (which ironically would’ve finally proven her wrong that he was capable of being the man she doubted he could step up to be). 

Lindsay rants to her dad whose “oh boy” reaction tells me at least he wasn’t exactly blindsided. Carl and his veneers run to production to lament that he loves Lindsay and wanted this to work but she unfortunately is too much a gaslighting noise-compliant-obtaining bully who tried to ruin his life for that to happen now. Lindsay’s raging about her future being taken from her while Carl is worried about being canceled. Maybe it would comfort him to hear the mantra I stole from one of my favorite podcasters: you can’t get canceled if you’ve never really been greenlit. Let it free you, Carl! 

Danielle got prosecco for the final scene because this is lowkey the best day of her life, though I deeply appreciate her respectful efforts to hide it. Paige, on the other hand, wants Lindsay to STFU with her “fake tears” while Amanda has the gall to defend Carl to hardcore Lindsay’s face. How bizarrely cruel to be at the bitches’ bitch sesh but refuse to refrain from parroting your man-child’s opinions when all your so-called friend needs 48 hours after an epic breakup is a GD pat on the back. But it makes sense Amanda is riding for Carl’s brave departure from a toxic relationship because it’s “something she could never do.” Yes girl, we know…. 

But most of us aren’t going to applaud Carl for doing what needed to be done regardless of “how it happened” because how you handle things in your lowest moments is the biggest sign of character. Pretty sure that’s what Carl was trying to say to Lindsay about needing her support through his anxiety-inducing job search. You can end a relationship of any kind with care even if you have every right in the world to not want to be in it anymore. You also don’t have to want to protect them anymore if they’ve fucked you over. You just can’t have it both ways.

Final notes: after seeing Ciara and Paige’s painfully two-faced after-party scene I don’t understand why they just didn’t come. They don’t just play both sides and make sure to also advocate for their “friend” Carl (whom they literally have not engaged with on camera for years now). They go as far as to bash Linday’s entire credibility as a human being, finding it impossible for her to do an act as simple as cry. Even worse they call Gabby Lindsay’s puppet for pointing out that Carl could’ve been more forthright about his feelings, a sentiment much of the continental US has been saying for weeks. Paige claims to be a tough baddie who doesn’t bare all the emotions Craig wants from her on her sleeve. But the real ice-cold bitches with hearts of gold know that though we have a shell-like exterior it takes specialty tools to crack open, it doesn’t mean there aren’t real feelings underneath. Sure this girl group is better than VPR. But it doesn’t make them any more real.